My 19 (almost 20) year old daughter has cut off contact with me.

She has been on again/off again with a guy in California. He is in the military. Whenever he was deployed for the first time he stopped talking to her the week before he left so she broke up with him and started dating another guy then later became engaged to him and moved in with him. Then 10 months later the military guy contacts her and tells her he is coming back and asks her to come to California to see him. She breaks up with the fiancé and gets on a plane (with my blessing and me paying half the round-trip ticket cost). We are happy and having a great time at the airport. She tells me she loves me and will see me in a week. Then she is gone.

I have put her on a plane to see him before and the times before have been very stressfull because she gets out there and forgets to call or text home. We have argued about this so this time I gave her lots of space. The days started going by with no word so I texted her to make sure she knew her return flight plans. Then the boy messages me and asks if she can delay her return a couple of weeks so he can accompany her home (he is from our town as well). I agreed (much to their shock) and everything was fine. Then the 2 weeks turned into next month then that turned into she didn't know when she was going to be able to come back because "well mom, what do you think about me moving out here?". What could I say? No? She is 19 and I couldn't tell her how to live her life. I told her OK but I missed her and wanted her to talk to me. But the old patterns were the same now. She didn't text me and when she did it was basically to tell me she was too busy to talk. The messages got shorter and less frequent. And I was becoming distraught.

I begged her to talk to me. I tried to make sure she was happy and being taken care of. And everything I asked seemed to make her mad. It became such that she resented me telling her I missed her and loved her. She was quickly becoming angry with me. The messages would stop for days until she needed something from me then she would talk to me as if nothing was ever wrong until she got me to send her what she needed or do what she needed me to do. After I complied then she stopped communicating again.

She left on St. Patrick's Day and by Mother's Day I only got a Facebook message and the same on my birthday at the end of the same month. My husband got a nice card and a phone call on Father's Day and before she left on this trip her and her dad were barely on speaking terms she hated him so much. Now he is the greatest dad ever. Her two younger siblings were at first pawns for her to get information out of or to pass messages to me through but when they stood up to her she stopped speaking to them too. The boy even called me and told me how f'ing crazy I am because I grew frantic after being unable to contact her for 5 days in April.

This has been the story (and so much more since March) then in November she messaged her younger sister (16) and tried to turn her against me. When I called her and confronted her about it she hung up on me and hasn't responded to phone calls or messages since.

This is my first born child. I tried for 2 years (and 1 miscarriage) to have her. She was my best friend. We did everything together up until the day she got on that plane. We fought. I am now realizing that I smothered her and monopolized her time. I hovered trying to keep her safe and to prevent her from getting hurt. I know that I chased her away but I just need to know how to make it right. I am dying inside. I don't think I can make it through Christmas. She isn't coming home (she told her little brother this on the phone when she called him last week).

Any advice (other than the one I keep getting... "she will be back just give it time") would be greatly appreciated!