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New Member
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Jun 13, 2007, 12:56 PM
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18 year old stepson moved in, should we kick him out?
Hi all,
Before I get started, let me apologize for the length of this. You'll need some history to judge this properly.
My DH was married 2x before we were married. Has children from both marriages.
His 1st wife left him for another man when their only son was 1 yo .He kept up visitation till child was 3,at which point his ex said that she was marrying the man she had left him for and moving across country, would he please give his rights to visitation up and let her new husband adopt their child? My husband agrees to do this to satisfy his new wife, who doesn't want the child around, and never sees or hears from the child or his ex again.
Nine years later, his 2nd wife divorces him. They have 4 kids, who he doesn't get to see because ex interferes with visitation,etc.
Now we are married, have 4 kids, all girls 6 years and under, and I am expecting a baby. My husband calls late one evening from work - he is self-employed- and tells me that his son from his 1st marriage just showed up at his office, and is coming home with him. He turns out to be an OK kid,he is now almost 18, and his mother helped him locate his father. Turns out that she never moved away, divorced the guy she left my DH for, and married another guy who she is still with.
About 5 months later,when our baby was about 1 month old, my DH tells me that his son needs someplace to live, his mother had kicked him out. Seems that he had been failing every subject in school for the last year, was kicked out of school, had several speeding tickets,refused to get his GED, was involved with a girl that was no good, and was anti-social at home.
My husband had told him that he could move in with us. We live in a tiny house with 2 bedrooms and 1 bathroom while we are looking for a home closer to our girls school and hubbys' office.
So my SS does not have a room, he is sleeping on the couch, and shares a closet with my kids.
At the time of this writing, I have four girls, ages 7,5,4,and 2, and a 4 month old son.
Now, my problem is this. When SS moved in, my DH supposedly told him that he had to contribute $35 a week toward groceries and utilities, and he would need to help around the house,he had to get his GED or finish school, and get a different job.
SS went to work for my husband, making minimum wage, 40hrs weekly. My DH told him that he needed to get a weekend job also, but he "didn't want to". He did say he put out some applications, but I haven't heard anything since.
My husband pays for his sons' cell phone through his business, gave him a business truck to drive, and gave him a fuel card. SS basically doesn't have any expenses.
He refuses to go back to school or to get his GED.
He never paid the first bit toward his $35 weekly, and after I started asking my husband every week about it -he eats a lot of food!- , he told SS that he didn't have to pay it until he was making more money.
SS does not do anything around the house, even his own dirty laundry has been piling up for 2 weeks now. He will do things if I ask, but only if it involves him getting to drive somewhere.
He stays out till 3-4 AM almost every night, and nights that he is home he stays on his cell phone while playing games on the PC till 2-4AM.
As soon as he gets home from work, he crashes on the couch and sleeps till his dad gets home.
He refuses to fix anything to eat for himself, and will actually go all day without eating until we fix something for everybody to eat.
He stays on the computer all the time that he is not out with friends on weekends.
When he urinates, he leaves puddles everywhere. When I told him that he had to clean the bathroom the last time that he did that, he wiped the toilet rim with TP and did nothing else. My husband cleaned it after I told him that SS had left it like that. Said, as usual, "he is just eighteen, he doesn't know any better".
SS won't shower unless I demand it.
Leaves his pillows and blankets on the couch, won't even fold them.
Leaves his shoes all over the house, and blames my kids when he can't find them.
Leaves dishes and cups just wherever is convenient for him.
I actually had to move our shampoos, combs, brushes,hair styling stuff, facial cleansers, nail clippers,etc. out of the bathroom because he would use ours instead of buying his own.
Let me say here that although I have all these complaints about him, he seems like a good kid, no drugs that I know, not prone to too much attitude, just lazy, immature and more than willing to be a slacker.
My DH won't say anything to him, and actually seems rather peeved when I say anything to him about the SS. I knew that he felt guilty for giving his son up, and I knew he would try to make up for lost time, but I feel that he is giving in to too much. What really gets me is that he acts like his son has more rights to comfort than the rest of us, like him insisting that I give SS the bedroom instead of our daughters because "he needs privacy". And DH treats him like a buddy, not a parent.
At the same time, I admit that I have never had an 18 year old child, so I don't know what is appropriate.
I have not said anything directly to my SS except for telling him 2x to clean the bathroom.
Should I kick him out? Or should I let him stay? If I let him stay,should I talk directly to my SS about what he needs to do around the house, setting hours to be home or off the phone by? Or should I ask my husband again to do this? I know that he has a problem with setting limits and boundaries for his kids, he did the same thing the few times we had his kids from marriage #2, and I had to step in and set rules.
I don't know what rules and chores are reasonable for an 18yo male.
Please give me your honest opinion, if I am expecting too much from him I need to know!
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