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AllyCat oX · Mar 8, 2007, 04:49 PM

I first realized how worthless I was on the first day of seventh grade. I spent the entire week before hand, cleaning out my room, organizing my books, trying different hair styles, trying to make the first day of school perfect. I was determined to change. No longer would I be the dorky girl with braces. I wanted to be perfect.

It didn't work.

Every day I went to school feeling awkward and uncomfortable. How did I deal with it? I would come home from school and eat. Looking back, I realize that what I ate wasn't a large amount of food at all; a couple cookies, or a peanut butter sandwich, or a bowl of ice cream, but in my mind perfect girls were not supposed to eat that kind of food. That year, I grew five inches and gained fourteen pounds. Now I weighed ninety four pounds. The weight gain was not apparent as I had grown taller, and I was still relatively thin.

Then came eighth grade. Again, I planned the entire summer for the next school year. I saved my money to buy all new clothes, I got a new hair cut, my braces came off, I started wearing make up, anything I felt would make me into the perfect person. The eating junk also stopped in the summer. I felt energized and ready to have the perfect school year.

That didn't work out either.

I felt fat. Although I was thinner than most of my peers, I felt huge. I could not believe that my size 00 jeans were getting too tight. After all, a perfect person wouldn't fit into a size 0. I began to diet. I would not eat for days, and anything I did eat I would throw up. I also began self injuring, something that has not stopped. I was eventually caught and put in therapy, but quickly learned the right things to say and stopped going. I gained the weight they wanted me to in fear of going to the hospital, and figured I could lose it all next summer.

That summer was a blur, I gained the weight I needed to and more, and by my freshman year, was one hundred and fifteen pounds. I was disgusted with myself. But once again, I planned my whole entire year out and marched to the bus with the determination to have a perfect year.

But that didn't work either.

I varied between starving myself and pigging out on food. I would not eat for a week, and then gorge on junk food during the weekends. I hid it well, and remained at the same weight, eliminating suspicion.

Fast forward to this year. I entered this year at one hundred and twenty nine pounds. I felt like a complete lard. I was a size four. I felt like I didn't deserve to live. Again, I set out for the perfect year, and had it for a while. I got my first boyfriend, my grades were no lower than a ninety eight, I was voted into an All Stars team in soccer, I was losing weight; life seemed perfect.

Then the pigging out began, only this time, it was more than two chocolate chip cookies. I am talking about eating nothing all day long, coming home and eating and eating until my stomach hurts. It is disgusting. I can not control it. I can not stop it. All I can do is sit there, shoving my face with fat, wishing I were dead.

I am now one hundred and fourty three pounds, practically obese, and ready to kill myself. I have fat rolls and cottage cheese thighs, ten chins, and a behind the size of Mount Washington. I have no energy for anything but food anymore. This monday I even missed school, something I have never done in my entire life. Why? Because I felt so fat I did not want people to see me. I was jeopordizing my chances of getting into Harvard because I am fat, something I was supposed to change two years ago.

Why can't I get my life together? Why can't I stop eating? Why am I so weird? How can I stop this!? I really don't want to die, but I am afraid that if I don't stop growing sideways, I may be left no choice.

tickle · Mar 8, 2007, 05:30 PM

Why did you write in red print, it is very hard to read

AllyCat oX · Mar 8, 2007, 05:34 PM

Sorry about that, I think I fixed it.

robertsqueen · Mar 8, 2007, 07:43 PM

You are far from fat. It sounds like you have an eating disoder. You see yourself as a fat, nobody, But that's not how the world see you. You need to get professional help with this issue, because if you keep going down the road you are then your eating disorder will get worse.

Shine · Mar 9, 2007, 08:01 PM

Having had a similar issue with food when I was in high school I can totally relate. First and foremost you need to admit that the issue isn't food, it is control. You have the desire to make yourself perfect and what you eat is what is part of your effort to control things. What is going on in your life that you feel you don't have control over? You should seek professional help or talk to a trusted adult. I too, played the therapy game and learned what to say but I soon learned that it wasn't helping me. I ended up having my teeth return from where the acid had eaten the enamel and I am still suffering the health effects from years and years of damaging my body.

And for the record you are not fat, far from it! But in reality it doesn't matter how many times someone says that you aren't at the point where you can see it. It is not what you are eating it is what's eating you.

robertsqueen · Mar 14, 2007, 07:57 AM

Having an eating disorder is hard, and not easy to overcome, but if you get the help that you need then hopefully you will overcome it. GOOD LUCK!

answerseeker · Apr 5, 2007, 08:38 AM

I agree with everyone here I think. I especially agree with what Solid said about people judging you on attitude and not looks. In fact, the people who judge you on looks aren't worth caring about! If you thought you were fat at 115 lbs, then I would say that you have an eating disorder. I'm 115lbs myself and I'm considered pretty skinny. As for the eating, to me it didn't sound like you were eating all that much(I've eaten whole boxes of cookies before!) but it really depends on the person. Some people can eat a lot of food and never see any difference in their body, other's with a slower metabolism see the effect of every bite. But what really counts is what you are comfortable with. If you feel guilty, or bad about yourself after eating junk food, then it's something you should work on avoiding. If eating is your comfort explore new ways to eat, try healthier alternatives. And remember that eating right is never enough, exercise is always key. Not just for people who want to lose weight, but for everyone. Exercizing increases the endorphines that your body releases, and makes you feel great. But if your eating and your weight is resulting in you feeling suicidal then please go seek professional help. I'm no expert, I'm just giving my experience based opinions here. And please don't judge yourself worth on your weight, it is truly such a trivial matter. Our media portrays these "perfect" people as skinny, with perfect skin, and no problems in the world but it's not real. You've got great marks in school, and seem very goal oriented, don't worry about looks, looks don't get people into Harvard do they? Good luck :)