[Johnny c 66]

GOD!! I hate myself John, I don’t know what I’m doing, I don’t know what I’m feeling, I just want to crawl in a hole and die right now. No, I’m not suicidal, it was just an expression.

I’m hurt John, I don’t know what to do. Every time I lash out at you and tell you how I feel the next second I feel guilty because I know how much you love me and I know it wasn’t intentional, but how is that an excuse? Why is it fair to me that people can lie to me and say “it was only to get you.” That’s not fair to me. I care about you. One minute I’m hating your guts, angry and so mad that you couldn’t see all this before, before you stabbed me in the back and the next I’m bawling my eyes out because I miss you. I hate it I hate it I hate it. I can’t figure out what I’m feeling. I don’t know what to do.

The thing that gets me is you don’t think it’s a big deal, you think it was the ONE text. You blame her, you blame your son, you blame your situation but you don’t blame yourself. You didn’t seem to take me seriously when I told you IN THE VERY BEGINNING. “One thing you can’t do and I can’t forgive is lies.” You lied, I forgave. Then I said “one more lie John, I don’t care if it’s what you had for lunch, I’m gone.” And you lied. And then lied and then lied. And I forgave and forgave and trusted again. Call it lies, call it deceit, it’s all the same, it’s all betrayal from the person you love and trust. How many times can it happen to me? How many times can I be a fool. When I called you a liar or deceitful you deny it. How can you deny it, you excuse it “it was only because of this” An excuse for it isn’t good enough, there’s ALWAYS an excuse for a lie otherwise people wouldn’t LIE.

You’ve apologized, you’ve showed me your pain and your regret, you’ve done EVERYTHING in your power to try and get me back, to make me realize how much you understand but right now, at this point in time it’s not good enough. I am still aching and still wounded. I understand you want closure and you want to know what will happen and you need to know if you can move on. I just don’t know what to tell you.

I never felt the way I felt about you about Anyone and that’s not a lie. I still to this day tell my friends that. I am petrified of you though and I don’t know how to extinguish that. How do you let go of fear. My anger john, is the way to protect myself, I think in my deepest of hearts I have forgiven you (otherwise I wouldn’t pick up your calls, I wouldn’t write these emails) but then something’s you say or do trigger the pain you put me through and instead of crying and being sad, my instant reflex is to be angry.

I’m sorry for my last lash out email and I’m proud of everything you’re doing. I just can’t give you anymore than that. I can’t give you an answer of what we are going to be because right now I don’t have interest in anyone, and that includes you. The last time I told you I needed space and you should get your together, you didn’t listen to me and you came down here. Once again I was asking for my space and you are constantly pushing me for an answer about us.. that triggers anger because I don’t think it’s fair. It’s never about what I need or how I feel, it’s about your pain, and you missing me and you need to know and you need closure and it was your life and your problems and your this and that… It drained me and it still does Johnny.

Anyway, I care about you too much to put you through more than you’re going through, I know you’re going through a lot. I will leave you alone after this email but I couldn’t leave it like my last email. This was more like a journal of my thoughts, gave you a glimpse of everything going on in my head. One thing is for sure and you can believe it or not, I will be single, not because I’m waiting for you but because I can NEVER go through this again. You saw my fury, you saw my pain, you saw my anger and it takes too much of a toll on me, I am completely out of positive emotions about people. I’m scared but I’d rather be lonely and scared than anything else right now.

I’m sorry my past without you has made me ultra sensitive to deceit, lies and men but that’s me, it was the package you got. I’m sorry that I can’t mend right away and I’m sorry I can’t give you the answers you’re looking for.

I wish you good luck with everything and hope you know that even if it didn’t seem like I meant those cards, poems, emails and letters, I did, I meant every word, it just ended differently than I expected too. I was in just as much shock as you were, I was in just as much pain as you were, except mine hit me slowly, lie by lie, fight by fight, week by week so from the outside it seems I’m hurting less but I’ve been dealing with this for a year, you have been for a few weeks. You were blind to what you were doing while I was begging for you to see. Now it has turned around. I was patient and understanding with you, you can chose the same for me or not.

Definitions of deceit on the Web:
fraudulence: the quality of being fraudulent
misrepresentation: a misleading falsehood
I’m sorry,
Love
******

after this email she texts me 4 hours later saying she wants to go to dinner in two weeks which is coming up nov. 21st sat. night!

then I texted this time and space thing sucks just let go!

she texted back I did let go but there's a retarded stupid moronic idiotic sucker part of me who obviously hasn't hence the bother I get with things ,the dinner etc. lets just take this break and stick with dinner plans.

So I stopped calling and texting for her "space and time" I haven't heard nothing from her either its been 10 days of no contact will I hear from her for this dinner? Or does she expect me to call her? If I don't hear from her what do I do stay no contact and move on?

[amicon]

You stay no contact-too much confusion,no real communication:no relationship.

[Johnny c 66]

She sent me this before I left,

Hi Johnny,



I miss you terribly Johnny, I miss the way you smile and laugh, the way you look at me, the way you scrickle me and the way you annoyingly scratch the back of my head to give me split ends. I miss the way you joke and the way you roll up your retarded sleeves to your shirts. I miss the way you slurp hot coffee but stopped for my sake . I miss the way you say bless you proud of yourself that you remembered. I miss the way you get road rage.. OK fine.. I don't miss that! Ha ha.. I miss the way your lips rest on each other when you sleep peacefully. I miss the way you wake me up by holding me and squeezing me unknowingly. I miss the way you shutter when you take cold showers and I miss your touch, smile and face. I miss you going down, rubbing me and making love to me. I miss you period.



This is hard for me too, I don't want anyone but you and I love you more than anything I thought possible. I'm in Dunkin Donuts now, thinking of you and all the things you do. Please keep positive and although you may be in misery, soon enough, you'll be here with me. We'll be going to the beach, enjoying the sun and the daily sun showers, we'll lay by the pool, eat ice cream sandwiches and have BBQ's. We'll make new friends and meet new people. We'll have a great time! It will be really good. There won't be drama or negativity to destroy us.



I'm sorry about last night, see, it's hard to be away from you. Please don't think that I mind if you go out. Of course I don't but I want YOU to be here soon and that takes money. I just figured out with the two hotels, gas and food (none for me) the trip down cost me about 500 bucks. Ugh. I'm below in my account and I need a job now. I just went on my account, it's bad but I guess we'll see how things work.



I love you terribly and miss you so much. Please, please stay positive and keep up the great will power, I'm proud of you, SO proud of you. Go to the gym and eat some veggies, it will help your stress.



Miss you & Love you

******

The whole break up was over a text from my soon to be ex wife,

[wylgwylg]

Do you want it end?

[Johnny c 66]

No I don't want it to end I never loved my heart never felt this way ever I am a complete disaster but still able to accomplish goals to prove I can

[zippit]

If you read the note #3
There is really a lot of negative/yness to it.
Or is just me?

[Johnny c 66]

Yes but she's very angry and hurt and she was totally in love with me the same day she got the email so can you go from being the man of her dreams like she told me the same day to dumping cold turkey

[Gemini54]

What were the lies and deceit John?

What did you do that made her respond like this?

[Johnny c 66]

When we first met I tokd her I didn't have kids we been together for 15 months and I broke it to her 2 weeks after we met all small stuff about my past life she couldn't handle but the break up was over a text from my ex and I told her to change her number a long time ago and she finally did

[wylgwylg]

no I dont want it to end I never loved my heart never felt this way ever I am a complete disaster but still able to accomplish goals to prove I can

She sounds really love you a lot , but at the same time she is really hurt by you . Maybe only time can help her .

This is only my personal feeling-----I can't be with someone who hurt me that much, even though I love this person a lot.

What did you do to her?

[Gemini54]

when we first met I tokd her I didnt have kids we been together for 15 months and I broke it to her 2 weeks after we met all small stuff about my past life she couldnt handle but the break up was over a text from my ex and I told her to change her number a long time ago and she finally did

It sounds as if you've been trying to create a persona that wasn't real - childless, fancy free and who knows what else. Lies can become a habit. Now, the lies have come back to bite you on the bottom. If the lies and the fighting have been going on for 15 months that's a long time...

Ask yourself why you feel the need to lie and deceive, what's going on in your head that you can't be real? You do know that you'll never be able to have an honest, meaningful relationship if you continue to behave this way.

You may be the man of her dreams, but she can't be with you while you're lying and deceiving. You need to man up and do something about yourself. That's' what she's telling you...

It's up to you to choose - go no contact and never see her again or get real and make an effort to understand why you behave the way you do.

[Johnny c 66]

So Gemini 54 what can I do to help I'm not a liar she couldn't handle my past and was rushing my divorce was very draining and I wasn't thinking rationally plus I'm not a drinker and I was drinking a lot will she contact me for this dinner should I keep no contact I simply don't know what to do please give me advice,she hates my ex wife anything I did that involved her was evil in her head so I lied about certain things but I know now that was so so stupid

[Gemini54]

so Gemini 54 what can I do to help Im not a liar she couldnt handle my past and was rushing my divorcIt was very draining and I wasnt thinkinbg rationaly plus Im not a drinker and I was drinking a lot will she contact me for this dinner should I keep no contact I simply dont know what to do please give me advice,she hates my ex wife anything I did that involved hger was evil in her head so I lied about certain things but i know now that was so so stupid

You can't change what you did in the past, and you can't change her reaction to it. Clearly you are a liar, because you lied!

You may not be able to 'fix' this situation, because the web of deceit has become so tangled. I don't know if she will contact you for the dinner.

I would not contact her at this stage, focus on your children and stay off the booze.

[Johnny c 66]

She's drinking a ton too and always did,

Plus she sent me this, is she the liar now

You’re so gay. I JUST SAID I WASN’T INTERESTED IN ANYONE OR ANYTHING YOU THICK SKULLED MOTHER ERRRRR.. ha ha.. We will meet for dinner and sparks will fly again I’m sure.
Goodnight my love. Have fun.


Well I guess Saturday I will know that will be the deciding factor for me

[Gemini54]

Let us know what happens...

[Johnny c 66]

Thank you gemini 54 I will, Im sure its over,does anybody ever really get back after time and space ? The same day we broke up she gave me a card saying I was the man of her dreams and the love of her life and she never loved anybody as much as she loves me and then I after the ex texted her she told me I ruined her life because she wanted to be with me forever I guess I will never ever fall for that again,I miss her terribly

[Johnny c 66]

Hi John,



How are you? I hope you’re good. First I want to say I really appreciate you giving me my space. I have had time to think about myself and of course you and our future. I want to apologize first off that I’m not talking to you over the phone or doing this in person but really it’s because I don’t know if things are easier for you now and if talking to me or seeing me will make things harder on us. So, I decided to write you an email.



We are supposed to meet next weekend but I know now John that our meeting won’t lead my feelings to change. My anger has subsided and I’m not angry with you anymore but the feelings I had are gone. I’ve been trying to really figure this out and make sure this is the right decision for me. I’ve been going back and forth, remembering our great times, remembering the way you look at me, the way you do things, I’ve been remembering all your great qualities and how I know that you would take care of me in every way but I’m at a loss.



I wanted to meet you and I was thinking about how it would go but it would just be too difficult. Even though men have told me that I will never find another man who loves me like them, I didn’t believe it. But I know deep in my heart I will never find another man who loved me like YOU did. I know that I will never find another man who I had so much chemistry and passion with but I also know that I can’t force myself to fall back in love with you. To let the belief go on any longer of us getting back together is a battle within myself that I have lost.



I feel like when I warned you about not lying to me in the very beginning and the lies continued (regardless of the reasons) it took such a toll on me John, every lie I found out dug into my heart and soul and took out a chunk, until that last chunk was taken and I was left far too injured. Someone asked me the hardest parting I have had and I told them it was you. It hurt the most.



I hope you don’t hate me, and I understand if you do, but please, please know that it has happened with everyone (males and females) once I get burned bad enough, as much as I want to move on, forgive, and start over, I can’t. It’s almost as that chunk in myself that I had for that person is 100% destroyed.



You are a good man and I know that. I have always (to this day) defended you and I always will. Like I said, I’m not angry anymore but the feelings have not come back and I don’t think it’s possible that they will. I don’t want to open any wounds by seeing you again, it’s too hard. I’m sorry that I couldn’t tell you this sooner but I had to make sure for myself. Maybe I was selfish but I was trying so hard to get back the feelings I had for you so I wouldn’t regret this.



Feel free to call me if you’d like. If not, I wish you the best in everything and I know you will find that special girl now that the timing is right. Start with a clean slate and let your guard down with the right one. You deserve to be happy with someone and I know you will make someone very happy.



Love,

------

[zippit]

Jon you keep posting these long letters from her without giving us something from you,we are here for you so what's your question,feelings about the letter??

[Johnny c 66]

I feel she still loves me she's hurt and I want her back Im in turmoil

[amicon]

I agree with Zippit,could you tell us more of the background story? How long were you together?
How did you meet?
It's tough giving advice from what you've posted so far.