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Boristheblade · Jul 16, 2008, 04:36 PM

This is so completely irrelevant but... I got confused, really confused then, because my real name is Lola. Lol

losingit77 · Jul 16, 2008, 05:18 PM

Closure is a fallacy! Usually "closure" equates to hearing things you probably would rather not hear. Trust all of us who've been there. Trying to get "closure" usually just winds up dragging on the agony. There's no way to tie a nice little bow around a breakup and call it "closure". Just give your ex'es exactly what they want and exactly what you need to start healing and moving on. And that's NC and to disappear from their lives. It sucks and it sounds heartless and unimaginable, but trust all of us who've been there, it's the only thing that'll start you on the path to feeling better again.

lola nyc · Jul 16, 2008, 05:47 PM

This isn't my 1st break up.. I know how it goes. Usually when I've been in a long relationship over 3 yrs, I've had 3 of them... we break up for reasons.. we say our peace and its over. This is different.. Ive never done a break.. and it may mean we will break up.. but for now I don't care. I couldn't move on to a new guy if I tried. How is that fair to a new guy? I couldn't get romantically involved without feeling bad about it or disgusted. Its unresolved business.. maybe I shouldn't have called it closure...

I think I deserve the respect to get a straight answer out of him. And I will get it. Even if I have to go to CA myself.. I will find out what I need to move on. Ive never had outstanding ques.. or what if's in any of my relationships. We have all ended knowing what was up.

I think everyone's a bit disgruntled on here... I wanted some positive feedback not all negative bashing...

jiltedgirl · Jul 16, 2008, 07:13 PM

Hey lola,

I don't think you should take the feedback on here as negative bashing. Maybe you're looking for a specific type of answer and reaction. I'm sorry you're not getting it.

I've been on a "break" before that subsequently, turned into a breakup. From my experience, they are usually synonymous. Then again, I may be wrong.

I've read your initial post regarding your relationship troubles. I admire your determination and your willingness to take action. Your boyfriend, obviously, does not share these same qualities when it comes to relationships (or at least in continuing them or bringing them to a some sort of culmination). I think the fact that your boyfriend can't muster enough decency to break it off completely (or not) after a serious, 3-year-long relationship says a lot. He just doesn't seem as though he's in a place right now to handle a relationship much less himself.

I'm not sure if I'm of any help, but I say do what's best for you. If this means going to California and demanding answers from him, by all means, go for it. Just know that his answers (or lack thereof) may not be the ones you want to hear and you may even lose your self-confidence, dignity, and pride in the process. Then again, maybe that's what you want to do/hear in order to move on.

I'm really sorry you have to go through all this frustration. I guess the other route is to wait it out, to which I don't think you're too partial from the likes of your posts. (Who is? ) Perhaps you should ask him how long he plans to maintain this "break"? I mean, is it really worth it, if it's driving you nuts?

Keep us updated.

Another fellow AMHD-er currently on a "break,"
J

ISneezeFunny · Jul 16, 2008, 09:55 PM

Jilted:

Couldn't have said it better myself.

LostInHisEyez · Jul 16, 2008, 10:08 PM

Hey NC calender people... its been a week or so since I last talked to my ex of two years. Its been rough... very rough.. I miscarried his baby.. and he said he still loves the girlfriend he is with (together for maybe a month) and that he only wants to be "friends"... im very angry, but has somewhat accepted why things went they way they did... I haven't spoken to him at all, and deleted him from phone/myspace etc. he said he friends are willing to fight to make sure him and his girlfriend stay together, like actual fighting, and I find it so immature... the thing is, I miss the old him.. not who he is now. So... yeah... im just tired of drama...

hjpan · Jul 16, 2008, 10:47 PM

Originally Posted by LostInHisEyez

Hey NC calender people...its been a week or so since i last talked to my ex of two years. its been rough...very rough..i miscarried his baby..and he said he still loves the girlfriend he is with (together for maybe a month) and that he only wants to be "friends" ...im very angry, but has somewhat accepted why things went they way they did... i havent spoken to him at all, and deleted him from phone/myspace etc. he said he friends are willing to fight to make sure him and his girlfriend stay together, like actual fighting, and i find it so immature...the thing is, i miss the old him..not who he is now. so...yeah...im just tired of drama...

He's a piece of trash. He thinks he loves his girlfriend and his friends are willing to fight for him? That's so stupid.

Nobody is going to fight for you in the real world.

LostInHisEyez · Jul 16, 2008, 11:20 PM

Originally Posted by hjpan

He's a piece of trash. He thinks he loves his girlfriend and his friends are willing to fight for him? That's so stupid.

Nobody is going to fight for you in the real world.

EXACTLY! That's what I'm saying! He is trash, but he was the father of my baby for a little bit until I lost it, and I just have a lot of unresolved feelings.. mostly anger.when I told him about the miscarriage ( I was unaware of my pregnancy either ) he had the nerve to ask if it was his, WE WERE TOGETHER FOR TWO YEARS!. utter madness.

hjpan · Jul 16, 2008, 11:24 PM

Originally Posted by LostInHisEyez

EXACTLY! Thats what im saying!! He is trash, but he was the father of my baby for a little bit until i lost it, and i just have a lot of unresolved feelings..mostly anger.when i told him about the miscarriage ( i was unaware of my pregnancy either ) he had the nerve to ask if it was his, WE WERE TOGETHER FOR TWO YEARS!! ...utter madness.

Yeh... I knew guys in high school who were stupid pricks...

some got girls pregnant and ran off... =/

Life is harsh D;

My girlfriend (now ex) of one year four months took off a week prior to my finals D;
calls me now & then.... have not spoken to her for about three to four weeks

LostInHisEyez · Jul 16, 2008, 11:34 PM

Originally Posted by hjpan

Yeh... I knew guys in high school who were stupid pricks...

some got girls pregnant and ran off... =/

Life is harsh D;

My girlfriend (now ex) of one year four months took off a week prior to my finals D;
calls me now & then.... have not spoken to her for about three to four weeks

That's good to hear about not talking, its been I don't know maybe a week or two, but the sad thing is that I'm going to visit some old teachers, and he works there at the school.. so we're bound to talk again, and it worries me...

kaneda · Jul 17, 2008, 03:17 AM

Two weeks of NC exactly. Longest. Period.ever.
I wish he'd find and contact me and say he wants to start all over again... and I know that's not happening. Sigh

bigbird213 · Jul 17, 2008, 05:34 AM

Originally Posted by kaneda

Two weeks of NC exactly. Longest. period.ever.
I wish he'd find and contact me and say he wants to start all over again ... and i know thats not happening. Sigh

Would you be willing to if he did? Could you put the fact that he broke up with you behind you? Would you be willing to risk all of this hurt/anger/sadness again, just for something that most likely will end the same way? I've been there - after a breakup and a reunion, its not the same - trust me on that one.

As far as the closure debate goes, I just want to say one thing. It seems to me that most people who use the "closure" word are using it as a guise to have contact one last time. It's a last ditch effort. I'm not saying you don't deserve decency and closure, hell I wish I got it, but it doesn't happen. I never got it, I'm not looking for it, it isn't worth it.

talaniman · Jul 17, 2008, 06:20 AM

Closure (psychology - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia)

Talaniman definition of closure- Accepting the situation, and dealing with it, in a proactive positive way.

After a break up, healing is your closure, then you can see the situation a lot more objectively, after coping with the emotional fall out.

f104 · Jul 17, 2008, 06:54 AM

Originally Posted by bigbird213

Would you be willing to if he did? Could you put the fact that he broke up with you behind you? Would you be willing to risk all of this hurt/anger/sadness again, just for something that most likely will end the same way? I've been there - after a breakup and a reunion, its not the same - trust me on that one.

As far as the closure debate goes, I just want to say one thing. It seems to me that most people who use the "closure" word are using it as a guise to have contact one last time. Its a last ditch effort. I'm not saying you don't deserve decency and closure, hell I wish I got it, but it doesn't happen. I never got it, I'm not looking for it, it isn't worth it.

This is very true. I too said I wanted closure. Thanks to people here I soon realized what I really wanted was to try and my ex to see that she had somehow made a mistake in ditching me. I realize this now and as much as it hurts I know that the fact that she has pretty much ignored me or made false promises over the last 6 weeks is closure enough.

If the ex (man or woman) wants to try again with us they will let us know. This is especially true if they did they dumping.

jammyb · Jul 17, 2008, 07:23 AM

Its amazing how predictable this whole break up thing is. You could almost write a textbook about the feelings you go through, and the progress you make. From what I've seen this is how it goes:

1) You search on this site for, lets face it, a way we can get them back - we know its over but there's part of us that tries to find a way.
2) People say to go no contact, forget them and move on
3) You kind of listen and know it makes sense, but part of you thinks "well this is a bit of a discruntled bunch, maybe they're wrong".
4) You break no contact and get screwed over (this might happen a few times)
5) You stick to NC and recover a hell of a lot quicker than you think. Meanwhile part of you still wants them to contact you. They might do in which case you'll probably end up breaking up anyway somewhere down the line, or they might not which nips it in the bud earlier and saves the hastle.

I don't know where I heard this but apparently only 3% of people get back together after a major breakup and stick together (that needs citing which frankly I can't be bothered to do).

At the end of the day, there's about 3 billion (or 6 depending on your preferences) other people to choose from so why get cut up over 1 of them.

I might be wrong here and if so, feel free to slate what I just said. Im only a newby.

lola nyc · Jul 17, 2008, 07:53 AM

Yea it might be true that if you break the NC we might not get what we want to hear..

But to hear them maybe say it again it could sink in better.. For those of us who hang on to the last thread,

This is the 1st time Ive been dumped. Maybe that's why I refuse to let go.

I've dumped my last 4 bf's... never did a "break" said see you later and moved on. I never made it "maybe" we'll get back together.. I cut it ALL OFF>

So this method is ODD to me.. Who drags someone along? A coward? It makes me sick to think the man Ive been with is a coward. And can be cold hearted? I can't believe it! I really cant.

After all this.. THIS is how you want to end things? Without being face to face? Who breaks up over the phone!! That's why I didn't think that would be IT.

ITS RUDE!! Its disrespecting! BE a man and face me! I seriously won't get over it until I see his face.

You guys see your bf's and girlfriend.. mine is 3,000 miles away...

He said he was coming home.. I figured I wouldve seen him by now. I won't give up until he straight up admits he doesn't love me. Which he hasn't done!

He says he still loves me and to give him some time.

Which he may or may not be dragging me on..

From the outside it looks that way..

But shouldn't I call and find out? Do I start telling my family we broke up? OMG I can't do it! They would all be devastated!

Sometimes I wish I had no family or friends then I wouldn't have to live you to anyone's expectations.

jammyb · Jul 17, 2008, 08:18 AM

I was the same lola, I'd never been dumped before, apart from in stupid relationships when I was about 11. It's a real blow to your pride, I think that's the worst thing; you feel like you've been betrayed. I felt like I'd spent 2.5 years building my ex's confidence and in the end she thought she was too good for me. Weird, considering before I started dating her she was a bit of social recluse and frankly I always thought I was too good for her. Its odd how things change. Your BF's obviously a coward if he left you hanging like that, so you don't owe him anything. You don't need to wait for an answer, especially him saying he doesn't love you. I think all of us on here have thought they wanted that at some point, but after a while you'll realise its bs. Time heals all wounds, not them. Maybe you should at least give it a couple of weeks no contact so your emotions settle down slightly.

lola nyc · Jul 17, 2008, 08:40 AM

Jammy

Yea my emotions are high this week.. Plus with our anniversary next week.. I'm having anxiety over it. Will he call won't he call.. UGH> I plan on getting pretty drunk sat night with some friends so Im hoping I'll forget the pain for a few hrs...

He told me about all the stresses in his life. Said he needs a therapist.. told me that 1st.. THEN broke the news he wanted a break.. and thought that if by telling me he was going to see a therapist id understand more.. not a chance... I exploded with crying Id say over 2 days we were on the phone 4 hrs of me hyperventilating.. classy huh?

He said I make him the center of his universe.. which I didn't see that I did. How can you keep up a LDR if you don't call! That amazed me.

He seems selfish. He always said it was all about me.. that I was his best friend! Just recently he mentioned to his mom how am I going to top this wedding. Meaning his sisters who just got married.. like why even say that! Why throw out a bone here and there!

When we went 5 yrs with not a mention of marriage.. it was all so bizarre to me.. the whole lets break. I was id say 75% sure he was getting himself ready to get married this year or next... the way he looked at me! OMG it was so loving!

I said to him how could you just do a complete 180! He didn't really answer it but said I always make things black and white...

Like that confused me.. what does that even mean. Are we in a grey area right now.. an iffy area? Where it can still go either way...

So you think calling next week is a bad idea? Or do I have a right to know after 2 months?

bigbird213 · Jul 17, 2008, 09:20 AM

Originally Posted by jammyb

Its amazing how predictable this whole break up thing is. You could almost write a textbook about the feelings you go through, and the progress you make.

Its just as amazing that everyone thinks their situation is unique and they are the first to go through it.

chuff · Jul 17, 2008, 09:20 AM

Originally Posted by jammyb

Its amazing how predictable this whole break up thing is. You could almost write a textbook about the feelings you go through, and the progress you make. From what I've seen this is how it goes:

1) You search on this site for, lets face it, a way we can get them back - we know its over but there's part of us that tries to find a way.
2) People say to go no contact, forget them and move on
3) You kinda listen and know it makes sense, but part of you thinks "well this is a bit of a discruntled bunch, maybe they're wrong".
4) You break no contact and get screwed over (this might happen a few times)
5) You stick to NC and recover a hell of a lot quicker than you think. Meanwhile part of you still wants them to contact you. They might do in which case you'll probably end up breaking up anyway somewhere down the line, or they might not which nips it in the bud earlier and saves the hastle.

I dunno where I heard this but apparently only 3% of people get back together after a major breakup and stick together (that needs citing which frankly i can't be bothered to do).

At the end of the day, there's about 3 billion (or 6 depending on your preferences) other people to choose from so why get cut up over 1 of them.

I might be wrong here and if so, feel free to slate what i just said. Im only a newby.

I studied a bit of pshcology a few years ago and the interesting thing I took from it was that human beings are reletively the same once you peel away personality, likes and dislikes, culture, and societal influence. In other words we all have different lives we lead but underneath it are drives and emotions are coming from out brains, which for the most part are designed to do the same things for every human.

Are emotions are should be protecting us and as such they often get in the way of us seeing what's really going on.