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    xxsamxx110's Avatar
    xxsamxx110 Posts: 104, Reputation: 0
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    #1

    Jun 2, 2011, 06:55 AM
    Why would my dad keep his engagement secret from us?
    I'm the eldest of 3. I'm 23, brothers aged 21 and 18. My parents split up about 4/5 years ago. My mum has remarried. However my dad has starting seeing a woman which I cannot stand. She is nearly 50 with no kids and still living with her mother. (He has seen another woman which I quite liked but that didnít work out/ last.) Well my problem is that she turned up one night in Sept and slept over. No introduction etc... She has been on the scene ever since. Now she has made it very obvious that she does not want myself or my brother at home and has gone out of her way to make it as uncomfortable as possible. I always had plans to own a my own house and was at home saving for a deposit, however situations at home have got so strained that I cannot stand to be there. I have resorted to putting my name on housing lists to rent and am hoping to be out ASAP. However the lists arenít great and Iím so far down that it isnít happening. I now will never be able to buy as every penny I earn will have to go towards paying rent.
    Now as things have gotten so bad (I wonít go into huge detail as it gets complicated.) For example they check up on what I have said. Asking my brother what has been said even if I havenít mentioned them. My dad feeds back to her what Iíve done / said each day. She is stirring trouble continually. I used the cooker to put 1 pan for rice for my tea at which point she turned off all she was using and walked out for me then to have my dad come and shout at me as I ďtook over the kitchenĒ etc. She never said a word to me while doing it and wasnít using the hob I was using. Iím now am not allowed to cook if she is there. (Itís easier to miss out tea / dinner so I don't have the arguments later). He has threatened to chuck me out so many times and I have left the last time he told me to get out. But with nowhere to stay had to come back. I have OCD which is dreadful at the minute and the fact that she has come in and replaced / got rid of things in the house is driving me mad. She even has the nerve to throw out my things hence why I have now gone around the house and taken out all my belonging and put them in my room. Even down to my toothbrush and toothpaste. They are even going on holiday which we werenít told about, which was really humiliating when we were over at my neighbours and she asked if I was going and I knew nothing about it and had to reply with ďI guess notĒ. Now he knows what I think of her and despite the fact that I tried being nice and making a real effort it is one sided and never going to work. We don't get on at all.
    Besides all this my main problem is that I found out only 2 days ago that they are engaged. They got together at the beginning of Sept and were engaged by Christmas. Now the bit that gets to me is that my father hasn't told me or my brothers. (He doesnít know that we have found out.) Now he has had 5 months so far to tell us. I don't think it is acceptable to find out on Facebook or that her family and friends know but they havenít told his family. Also that he keeps lying to me and my brothers. Only a few weeks ago he told my brother and me that he had no intention of getting married again. Only yesterday they were talking and he told my brother he had no intention of getting married any time soon.
    So if this is the case 1. Why is he engaged to her? 2. Why has he not even told his own kids? 3. What are you meant to say? I mean do I pretend I donít know and wait and see when / if he ever tells us or do I confront him? I have so many things spinning around my head now. I know I canít trust anything he tells us. He has completely changed since she has come on the scene. Sorry itís so long.
    JudyKayTee's Avatar
    JudyKayTee Posts: 46,505, Reputation: 4600
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    #2

    Jun 2, 2011, 08:34 AM
    Quote Originally Posted by xxsamxx110 View Post
    ... So if this is the case 1. Why is he engaged to her? 2. Why has he not even told his own kids? 3. What are you meant to say? I mean do I pretend I don't know and wait and see when / if he ever tells us or do I confront him? I have so many things spinning around my head now. I know I can't trust anything he tells us. He has completely changed since she has come on the scene. Sorry it's so long.
    1 - Because he loves her and wants to marry her.

    2 - Because he knows you don't like her and doesn't want to argue with you. Maybe he doesn't tell you because he doesn't think it's your decision or, for that matter, your business.

    3 - Confront him? Why would you confront him? You tell him you learned he's engaged. If you still don't know why it's a secret, ask him.

    Maybe the problem is that your stepmother-to-be thinks you are old enough to live independently.

    Why do you think your father has to get your permission to get engaged, get married, move a woman into HIS house, date someone, go on vacation (or take you with him on vacation)?

    And as far as how long he's known this woman, I knew my husband 7 weeks when I married him. We remained married until he died. Your dating/marrying schedule may not be the same as his. You have posted about your concerns in the past - are you taking your frustrations out on your father (https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/dating...-504917.html)?
    xxsamxx110's Avatar
    xxsamxx110 Posts: 104, Reputation: 0
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    #3

    Jun 2, 2011, 01:19 PM

    1. Then why is he telling us he doesnít plan on getting married. Thatís just a lie. Why canít he be straight? We werenít bothered when my mother got married and thatís more complicated.
    2. I had thought that but then why not at least tell his 2 sons.
    3. Why not confront him? If I was moving someone is then I'm sure he would say something. My dadís girlfriend is only after the house and money. She has said all along she doesnít like kids and when my dad was talking to my mum about my brothers she nearly flipped. She hates that he has a past which includes my brothers and me. I am fully aware that I am old enough to move out and as I said was saving to buy. Itís quite hard to save a deposit that is large enough now. I am looking to rent now just to get out. But hey itís hard to get started on housing. Why should I be forced to move when I put nearly every penny I have into this house/ my home? My point wasnít the permission. It was the lying. Heís changed since sheís been on the scene and not in a good way. He will pick fights, shout abusive comments and generally has no respect or care for my brothers or myself. My past has nothing to do with him and Iím perfectly fine with that. I live here too and I'm also meant to be family. I'm sorry to hear that it means so little to people. So much for blood being thicker than water.
    JudyKayTee's Avatar
    JudyKayTee Posts: 46,505, Reputation: 4600
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    #4

    Jun 2, 2011, 01:41 PM
    Quote Originally Posted by xxsamxx110 View Post
    1. Then why is he telling us he doesn't plan on getting married. That's just a lie. Why can't he be straight? We weren't bothered when my mother got married and that's more complicated.
    2. I had thought that but then why not at least tell his 2 sons.
    3. Why not confront him? If I was moving someone is then I'm sure he would say something. My dad's girlfriend is only after the house and money. She has said all along she doesn't like kids and when my dad was talking to my mum about my brothers she nearly flipped. She hates that he has a past which includes my brothers and me. I am fully aware that I am old enough to move out and as I said was saving to buy. It's quite hard to save a deposit that is large enough now. I am looking to rent now just to get out. But hey it's hard to get started on housing. Why should I be forced to move when I put nearly every penny I have into this house/ my home? My point wasn't the permission. It was the lying. He's changed since she's been on the scene and not in a good way. He will pick fights, shout abusive comments and generally has no respect or care for my brothers or myself. My past has nothing to do with him and I'm perfectly fine with that. I live here too and I'm also meant to be family. I'm sorry to hear that it means so little to people. So much for blood being thicker than water.

    1 - Because he doesn't feel a need to explain anything to you and if he tells you there will be an argument. He is taking the high road and not telling you, avoiding the "confrontation," as you put it.

    2 - Because if he tells your brothers they will tell you.

    3 - Unless the girlfriend has said "I'm only after your house and your money" (and your father actually has a house and enough money to make it worth marrying him) you are improvising statements or thoughts to make her look bad OR to justify your thinking.

    Your father is so unlovable that this person can't possibly be in love with him?

    She does like all kids or she doesn't like you?

    4 - I was not aware that you are supporting the house, have put money into improvements. Tell your father you want your money back. It would be reasonable for him to reimburse you for the improvements you have made. The majority of people move from their father's house to a rental. They do not buy. That's how the economy is right now.

    5 - You live here, too? You live in your father's house. He gets to make the rules and make the decision in his life. For that matter, he gets to make the decision in your life.

    You want to be independent? Move out.

    The fact probably is that if he ends his relationship with this woman and gets sick you are not going to sacrifice the rest of your life taking care of him. You will eventually meet someone and start a new life. She will be his wife.

    It is totally unfair for you to attempt to direct how and in what fashion your father lives his life.

    Does your OCD have anything to do with your feelings toward her?

    I am both a second wife AND a stepmother, and I am having a great deal of difficulty understanding your attitude. I would think you would be less worried about who inherits the house and all of your father's money and more worried about his happiness.

    And if you're right and he's wrong, then you can say, "I told you so" pretty much for all eternity.
    xxsamxx110's Avatar
    xxsamxx110 Posts: 104, Reputation: 0
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    #5

    Jun 2, 2011, 03:13 PM

    Im really sorry that you can't see the lack of respect for FAMILY (blood related). The way I see it is if you have no respect for your children don't ever have them. Your children should come first no matter what. I will say I told you so. I have already spent many years helping out with his health and many other aspects. You clearly do not understand ocd but yes it can be affected by people and change. As long as my brothers see inheritance I don't care. I don't expect anything from anyone. But he does not get the decisions in my life. But we are all entitled to our opinions.
    xxsamxx110's Avatar
    xxsamxx110 Posts: 104, Reputation: 0
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    #6

    Jun 2, 2011, 03:16 PM

    Oh and in the UK most people buy. That is generally the most preferred method. Only since economy being like it is that people are forced to rent. I have helped through out building the house and improvements but since he doesn't have the cash the likely hood of getting it back is poor.
    Wondergirl's Avatar
    Wondergirl Posts: 37,769, Reputation: 5427
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    #7

    Jun 2, 2011, 03:24 PM
    Quote Originally Posted by xxsamxx110 View Post
    Your children should come first no matter what.
    Nope, they don't. A parent raises children to be independent. The parent doesn't owe the children, underage or adult, any explanation for decisions made.
    xxsamxx110's Avatar
    xxsamxx110 Posts: 104, Reputation: 0
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    #8

    Jun 2, 2011, 03:28 PM

    I'm sorry I disagree. Why have children if you are not willing to support and care and take them into consideration no matter what age. According to that as soon as they are able to look after themselves you might as well kick them out and have no more to do with them. No love here clearly.
    Wondergirl's Avatar
    Wondergirl Posts: 37,769, Reputation: 5427
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    #9

    Jun 2, 2011, 03:32 PM
    Quote Originally Posted by xxsamxx110 View Post
    as soon as they are able to look after themselves you might as well kick them out and have no more to do with them. No love here clearly.
    No need to kick them out. They should be more than eager to move out in order to experience life and be independent. If they don't want to move out, I'd sure wonder why.
    xxsamxx110's Avatar
    xxsamxx110 Posts: 104, Reputation: 0
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    #10

    Jun 2, 2011, 03:39 PM

    Maybe it's not a matter of not wanting but more the matter of being able to. Money unfortunately is a major part and as a young adult, finding the first steps are difficult. Why do you not want to share life with your children? Help and encourage. I think parents are becoming so absorbed with getting rid of children as soon as they are able to. Fair enough they want to enjoy life but they have given life so donít chuck it away at the soonest point. These parents will age then they will then depend on the younger to help support them.
    Wondergirl's Avatar
    Wondergirl Posts: 37,769, Reputation: 5427
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    #11

    Jun 2, 2011, 03:47 PM
    Quote Originally Posted by xxsamxx110 View Post
    Maybe it's not a matter of not wanting but more the matter of being able to. Money unfortunately is a major part and as a young adult, finding the first steps are difficult.
    Does the child attend college? Does the child acquire skills? Is the child willing to work at more than one job?
    Why do you not want to share life with your children?
    I shared their formative years with them and parented them into independence.
    I think parents are becoming so absorbed with getting rid of children as soon as they are able to.
    I left home at 17 to go to college and never lived at home after that. My younger sibs didn't go to college but left home by age 20. My parents were pleased to see us become independent and be able to find our way in the world.
    These parents will age then they will then depend on the younger to help support them.
    In the U.S. that's not an issue.
    JudyKayTee's Avatar
    JudyKayTee Posts: 46,505, Reputation: 4600
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    #12

    Jun 2, 2011, 04:25 PM

    You have posted time after time about men you have met and how difficult those relationships have been. What did your father say about your poor choices?

    Yes, we disagree about who comes first in the life of a parent as well as whether a 23-year old should be able to support herself... and mind her own live (which apparently isn't going very well).

    And, yes, my stepchildren are loving, caring, INDEPENDENT, self supporting people. I'm proud to be their stepmother, actually, and proud of any part I have played in their achievements.

    None of them sit home and whine about their father and their unhappy social life.

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