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    racquel58's Avatar
    racquel58 Posts: 84, Reputation: 12
    Junior Member

    Mar 6, 2013, 04:24 AM
    Is my sister emotionally abusive?
    My family was never particularly functional.

    I've always been very low in self esteem and quite withdrawn, haven't set good boundaries... which shows in the abusive relationships I have had, and friendships I have had.

    I have asked my sister not to do these things because they hurt me but she responds with laughing and calling them a 'joke' or denying them, or crying and becoming a 'victim'

    These are the behaviours that she often does:
    -I basically moved out because whenever I was home she was slamming doors, yelling about me to herself (not at me, but so I could hear) re: not turning lights off, not shutting the doors (all of these were her rules btw), feeding the dogs 'wrong', just basically everything I did was somehow 'wrong'.

    - When I would come home from work at night and say Hi she wouldn't respond to me, turn off the TV and storm off to her room slamming the door (like, how dare I be in the house).

    - She would tell me I wasn't allowed to pet the dogs or cuddle them (as she was 'training them' to be more independent)... she still does this now when I visit

    - She would take my clothes/ belongings and hide them, or destroy them.

    - Order me to drive if we went anywhere or have a hissy fit if I asked her to drive.

    - Only wanted to do what SHE wanted when she wanted to. If I asked her to do something with me she would say no ALL the time.

    - Extremely moody with me. I'm constantly walking on eggshells!

    - She tries to make me feel guilty about not spending time with her (but makes it hell when I do spend time with her)

    - If I turn to talk to her in the car she will sometimes crinkle her face up and move her head away from me as if to say I stink (I don't plus we aren't that close she could smell me!)

    - She interrupts what I am saying A LOT (even my mum commented on that).
    - She won't let me talk to my mum alone and always needs to take my mum off to do something else so she doesn't get time with me.

    The thing that gets me the most is she makes 'digs' at me being in abusive relationships in an around about way (she is usually the abuser in her relationships).
    - She will make comments about women in that sutuation being 'stupid' or 'weak'.
    - When I talk about leaving my partner she tries to put fear in me (I,e. "he better not hurt my animals")... when I'm not even planning on living with her.
    - She will say how 'cool' domestic violence men are on the TV, and how the women deserved it because they are 'tarts' or 'stupid'.
    ... that makes it sound like I am thinking too much, but if I try to ignore her comment, or if I try to humour her and say 'yeah, he's a good actor/ singer' she will make a point of how great of a person she thinks he is, and how it is about the domestic violence...

    If I ask her not to say that as it strikes a nerve with me she will laugh and tell me to get over it etc.

    I know when she is winding me up because she gets a glare in her eyes and a certain tone of voice.

    I know I have to set up boundaries but my sister never respects them. Plus, as I said I want to get out of my relationship... I'm just working on a safety plan.
    joypulv's Avatar
    joypulv Posts: 21,593, Reputation: 2941
    current pert

    Mar 6, 2013, 04:36 AM
    It wasn't easy to read all that, because it's just a string of little anecdotes. When we aren't there, we have to rely totally on what someone tells us, and the depth of what you are saying is lost. I guess if I have to decide between 'emotionally abusive' and 'too sensitive,' I'd go with the latter, but what matters more is that you have no one to be your best friend while you break up with a man.
    My sister is one of my best friends now, but I am 66, and she wasn't when I was younger. Why don't you have a best friend?
    Another issue that matters more is how this all ties together. Getting away from an abusive relationship means having a place to go. If you can't go to your family, where can you go?
    racquel58's Avatar
    racquel58 Posts: 84, Reputation: 12
    Junior Member

    Mar 6, 2013, 04:51 AM
    I tried to make it shorter (unsuccessfully) which is why it appears to be in small anecdotes. I listed my sisters behaviour in an attempt for it to be more clear (unsuccessfully). Sorry it's not very clear, but they aren't anecdotes. This is her constant behaviour. She can not stand to be in the same room as me, unless she feels like it. Everything I say is wrong. She is moody the majority of the time. I can't have a proper conversation with her without being told I am wrong, or her having a 'dig' at me for something.

    I would LOVE to have a great friendship with my sister. I have been there for years hoping for the day when she likes being around me. It doesn't come.

    I have a friend, but she doesn't understand the abuse cycle that I am in... she says 'Just leave' but it's never that simple. I don't really have other friends because of my abusive relationship, there is a lot of isolation involved. I'm currently saving money, looking for new jobs, and finishing my degree so that I will more easily be able to provide for myself when I leave. It's also an attempt to gain more confidence.
    joypulv's Avatar
    joypulv Posts: 21,593, Reputation: 2941
    current pert

    Mar 6, 2013, 05:02 AM
    I guess what I meant was that siblings go through this all over the world, and what's important is how important her behavior is to you in the sense of what else you have in your life to give you the support you and we all need. Sure, she sounds like you gives you a tough time, but it just doesn't fit the bill of abuse. It's possible that she is trying to free herself of the same treatment from your dad that you all got, but in a different way. It's also common to get mad at people who are still in an abusive relationship, because they feel powerless to get you out, and frustrated that you don't 'just leave,' and they get tired of hearing about it.

    I'd bet that if you both could get past the petty day to day stuff, you might discover that you are both struggling with the same self esteem problems, and really are a lot alike underneath it all. Not so much in personality, but in what is lacking in your lives. Your sister could be the best friend you ever will have.

    Congratulations on those steps you are taking to get away, and to have more confidence. I went through similar things when young but didn't do what you are doing to gain a better sense of self.
    talaniman's Avatar
    talaniman Posts: 54,187, Reputation: 10852

    Mar 6, 2013, 05:37 AM
    Just for clarity, you have gotten into ANOTHER abusive relationhip since this one?

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