[Sh4de]

In April, I'll have been with my girlfriend for almost two years. In the last month things have gone horribly wrong, and I'm afraid.

I'll try to start at the beginning, please bear with me. My girlfriend and I met in high school, she had a crush on me I had never had a girlfriend before, so after some coaxing... very welcome coaxing I expressed that I'd like to start a relationship with her over an internet messenger. Beforehand, I had shared problems with her and talked to her in the same way, so I figured it'd be appropriate to have a meaningful discussion in the same manner.

So we started our relationship, and all was fine. I had known her for a few years, and we started going out in my senior year, and she came back to school during my senior year to upgrade some classes, which after I found out was because she wanted to be with me. So now flash forward about a year. The year was good, had some fights and disagreements but it was young love in it's finest, and trust me, I still love her so much it hurts. I graduated with her as my escourt, had a lot of fun... then we decided to look for some jobs. She was on a waiting list for school, and I wasn't ready for school yet. So as luck had it we got a job together, a Monday to Friday, 9-5 job. As some of you probable assume that caused some problems because working together can definitely create problems... but that's natural... fights happen right? We had our fun too, kissing around corners, hugging when nobody was looking. It was great. We were janitors in a community center by the way.. an art center so we got to work on various projects aside from the obvious cleaning.

I got to see her every day and even though there were fights, it was great... the relationship was fun and... just great. Now, the job we were at had a term contract and we couldn't work there for more than a year... now when that year was up I had to move into town from my home, which was about 20 minutes away from where I worked. I wanted to move into town for easier access to jobs, and all in all better place to be. I moved into a place about two blocks away from my girlfriend, and started looking for a job. I got one and it didn't work out, then I got another. I started to work at the same grocery store as my girlfriend, which was fine because we didn't work together much, or in the same department. We still blew kisses at one another the odd time we worked similar shift times... things were fine.

In the evenings we'd usually watch a movie, or cuddle/sleep then she'd head home if she worked or whatever. I'd kind of get irritated at pointless things at this point... kind of like when we were janitors... but not over work-related things this time... which is normal. This time it was about how she didn't initate things... which she really didn't initate things... things like going out, fooling around, what to do... that sort. There were many fights about this. Sometimes I'd say "Maybe we should break up" and then she'd cry and I'd realize how much I love her, and the differences were something we could work through.

The fights became more often and over more and more pointless things. I'll skip ahead a month or few, and tell you the current story. Recently she's been distant, I didn't really know what was wrong until not long ago when she said all the things I've said have caught up to her. NOw I understand her feelings... I shouldn't have gotten mad at pointless things. She also said that she oversaw a conversation (posted on the internet) between her long time friend and his friend, which included her longtime friend saying that she liked my girlfriend for a long time, etc etc. She said she was confused, and afraid and didn' tknow what she wanted. Now when she said she didn't know what she wanted, It hit me really hard how much I want to be with her, and how much I love her. I tried to explain how sorry I am for taking her for granted and getting angry at pointless things... how much I want to work it out. I've tried to talk to her a lot in the past few days and now she's saying she needs space.

And now it's been hitting me harder than ever how afraid I am to lose her, how those pointless fights were so stupid and I should have never taken her for granted like that... I've told her so many times how sorry I am... and how it would be terrible if she wanted to leave me for another boy and not try to work things out after being together for so long. She's felt like I have before, and I've always tried to console her, make sure she knew how much I love her... and I can't repeat enough how much I love her. She says she still loves me, and likes me... but is just confused... that the fights and stuff were clouding her mind and she needs to think. I've promised to get better, to work things through, but I think now she thinks I'm being needy, and wants space even more... and I know for a fact that she's trying to work out her feelings for the other boy too... she told me herself.

There's been a lot of crying on both parts... and recently it's been me crying. All I want to do is hold her, get her support... and treat her how she deserves to be treated... but after reading some other posts in this forum I know that smothering and whatnot isn't a good thing... but it's just that I miss her already and it's not even over... she just needs to think. I really want this relationship to work out, and I'm so afraid that she'll leave me for the other boy. We've always said we'd be together and work through everything, but now it's like she doesn't want to work through her feelings with me, like I'm getting in the way.

I called her today... tried to tell her some of my feelings and how I don't understand and wish she'd explain to me why she feels how she feels after everything we've been through, and all she really did was ask for space... so finally I've decided I need to stop being selfish and just not talk to her for a while... which will be hard enough in itself.

I know this is long winded... I just need some advice... anything... words of encouragement, life stories... whathave you. I don't want to lose her, and I don't know why she doesn't want to figure things out together.

[JoeCanada76]

She does not want to figure out things together because she does not want to be together. Hint: When confused, when there is a hint of another person. That means that she wants to make sure who she feels most comfortable with. Honestly you acting so desperate and calling her and going all crazy on her has made your situation worse with her and the best advice is stay away, no writing, no talking, no phoning, no email, no contact. She wants to be with somebody that is loving and caring.

Never change yourself for somebody else, you need to make changes for yourself and yourself only. This is the only way you will grow and learn. Take this as a learning experience but do not let this become a yo yo situation. Going back and forth and getting back together and breaking up and back and forth.

You yourself have used emotional abuse with this girl, I know this sounds bad but always threatening to break up with her and then let her cry and then change your mind. This is emotional abuse and do you honestly think she wants to go back to somebody that made her feel like crap?

1) NO CONTACT
2) LEARN FROM EXPERIENCE, WHAT YOU DID WRONG WHAT YOU NEED TO STOP DOING BEFORE YOU EVER GET INTO ANOTHER RELATIONSHIP WITH SOMEBODY ELSE.
3) IMPROVE ON YOURSELF, LEARN TO LET GO. NOW IT IS TIME FOR YOU TO STAY OUT OF A RELATIONSHIP WITH ANYBODY FOR A WHILE UNTIL YOU LEARN WHAT IS MORE IMPORTANT IN A RELATIONSHIP.
4) LOVE, UNDERSTANDING, CARING. NO THREATS, NO ABUSE, REMEMBER COMMUNICATION IS IMPORTANT, WORKING THROUGH ISSUES TOGETHER EVEN IF IT IS SMALL. IT IS A NORMAL PART OF RELATIONSHIP, KEEP IT FUN. WHEN SERIOUS, WORK ON THINGS TOGETHER, COMMUNICATION BREAK DOWN AND OVERREACTION IS USUALLY WHAT CAUSES THE BREAK DOWN. LEARN HOW TO COMMUNICATE BETTER.

[AKaeTrue]

You sound like you have a good head on your shoulders.
Since you already know that you need to give her the space she's requesting, I'll share a story with you...

I was once in your girlfriends shoes.
I spent a few years with a guy that liked to nitpick at everything I did or didn't do and it caused a lot of fights mainly because of how much it hurt my feelings.
One day during a senseless fight, I noticed something had changed inside of me - I had had enough. I was "full"... I was full from his BS... there was nothing that he could say at that point that I hadn't already heard, there was nothing left for him to do to hurt me even worse... I was full.

I asked him for my space, but he didn't and wouldn't give it to me. Instead of leaving me alone, which I needed him to do so that I could empty some of the crap he had filled me with, he became the most annoying pain in the azz that I had ever had (still to this day).

My intentions were to only clear my head, but he ruined it.
He caused me to look at him in a totally different way.

Because of his actions toward me, I needed some time away from him, but he refused to let me have that.
He failed to see that HE caused me to need some space and he failed to see that HIS annoyance was causing more stress for me.
I went from being full to overflowing and all I wanted was for him to disappear.
Had he suffered in silence while learning his lesson , who knows what might have happened, but he didn't...

Now, because of that, I've been happily married to a wonderful man for 8 years now and have two beautiful children.

I'm only telling you this so that you can see the potential side effects of not giving her the space she's asking for.
You need to realize the impact of your actions (the fighting and what not) has caused her to need some time away from you. Then, you need to work on how to really change this hurtful behavior instead of just saying that you'll change.
While your giving her space, come up with different ways to express your feelings so that it's not hurtful.
Come up with a new style of approaching issues in a way that does not include instigating a fight.
Inform her of what you plan on doing, then do it while giving her space.

If you give her space, there's a 50% chance you'll win her back. If you do not give her space there's a 99.999% chance you'll lose her for good.
Which chance do you want to take?

If you need help on how to cope with this, ways to change, or anything really, this group is a great one to post to. You'll get a lot of advice and opinions - you may not like all of them, but this is a big group and it could be beneficial for you to see a wide variety of input.

I do wish you the best,
Kae

[Sh4de]

I regret ever making her feel bad about herself. And I wish I could take back the pointless fights... I just wish we could work out the problems together, but I know that can't happen right now. What I really need help with is how to deal with the pain of not being allowed to talk to her, and how long I should wait before calling to see how she is, or what she's been thinking.

I'm afraid the longer I don't contact her, the further she'll get away. Please help me deal with this.

I appreciate your replies, and all I can really do is thank yahoo.com for leading me to this site.

[AKaeTrue]

She's not going to forget you... (have I forgotten my ex -LOL)

Make a new post, if you haven't already, on how to deal with the dreaded "no contact".

Kae

[chuff]

My girlfriend and I met in high school, she had a crush on me I had never had a girlfriend before,

I know this sucks at this point in your life and this is not the first thing you want to hear but high school relationships even after high school rarely last. The problem is that the person you are at 16 or 18 is not the same person you are at age 20. The person you are at 25 is completely different than 20. The person you are at 30 is not the same as 25. You have the same body but the personality, values, wants, desires, expectations, and responsibilities of life change.

You, as you point out later are way to smothering but I also get the impression something else is going on that you can’t see at this time in your life. Your girlfriend is changing. She’s not the same person in high school who had a school girl crush on a boy. She’s growing up and wanting other things from a relationship that you can’t give her because you haven’t got there yet or she just wants to experience new things and attempt new goals that have nothing to do with you any more.

This time it was about how she didn't initate things... which she really didn't initate things... things like going out, fooling around, what to do... that sort. There were many fights about this.

Learn from this please. I mean seriously, I’m wish I had someone to tell me this when I was your age so don’t be hard headed and learn from this. Here’s what you need to learn. Women want you to initiate things. They want you to take the responsibility. To a woman that’s one of the things that makes a man. He takes control of the situation and does what needs to be done to get a problem or issue resolved. Making her do it or demanding that she do it goes against what she wants from a man.

Sometimes i'd say "Maybe we should break up" and then she'd cry and I'd realize how much I love her, and the differences were something we could work through.

In the future never do that. It only puts the idea in her head that relationship is not strong and if you do it enough eventually she will leave for good.

Recently she's been distant, I didn't really know what was wrong until not long ago when she said all the things i've said have caught up to her.

Like that. You can only be negative for so long before it does catch up. You plant the seeds and water them with break ups and eventually you’ll grow the permanent split up.

She said she was confused, and afraid and didn' tknow what she wanted.

Which is all girl code for I don’t want to be in this relationship anymore.

Now when she said she didn't know what she wanted, It hit me really hard how much I want to be with her, and how much I love her. I tried to explain how sorry I am for taking her for granted and getting angry at pointless things... how much I want to work it out. I've tried to talk to her alot in the past few days and now she's saying she needs space.

And now it's been hitting me harder than ever how afraid I am to lose her, how those pointless fights were so stupid and I should have never taken her for granted like that... I've told her so many times how sorry I am... and how it would be terrible if she wanted to leave me for another boy and not try to work things out after being together for so long. She's felt like I have before, and i've always tried to console her, make sure she knew how much I love her... and I can't repeat enough how much I love her. She says she still loves me, and likes me... but is just confused.... that the fights and stuff were clouding her mind and she needs to think. I've promised to get better, to work things through, but I think now she thinks i'm being needy, and wants space even more... and I know for a fact that she's trying to work out her feelings for the other boy too... she told me herself.

There's been a lot of crying on both parts... and recently it's been me crying. All I want to do is hold her, get her support... and treat her how she deserves to be treated... but after reading some other posts in this forum I know that smothering and whatnot isn't a good thing...

It wasn’t and it drove her away. It sucks I know when you get emotional because you feel like you can’t stop but you have to absolutely stop what your doing right now. Your going to her with all this emotional stuff and that’s the woman’s job in a relationship. She can get those needs filled from her girlfriends. She wants a man and your not showing her you are a solid man at this point.

but it's just that I miss her already and it's not even over... she just needs to think.

She’s thinking, I promise you that.

Now, quite honestly, you need to out think her. So pull back and give her the space she asked for.

I really want this relationship to work out, and I'm so afraid that she'll leave me for the other boy. We've always said we'd be together and work through everything, but now it's like she doesn't want to work through her feelings with me, like i'm getting in the way.

Women always say that stuff. But that’s her emotional brain talking. Maybe she means it in the moment but she doesn’t mean it in reality for life.

I called her today...tried to tell her some of my feelings and how I don't understand and wish she'd explain to me why she feels how she feels after everything we've been through, and all she really did was ask for space... so finally i've decided I need to stop being selfish and just not talk to her for a while... which will be hard enough in itself.

I know this is long winded... I just need some advice.... anything... words of encouragement, life stories... whathave you. I don't want to lose her, and I don't know why she doesn't want to figure things out together.

While I’m glad you quit talking to her and you need to quit. Just stop. She wanted space give it to her.

Let’s take a broad overview of your entire relationship as well. At first you were hesitating and took it very slow which was a challenge for her. When you did that you were busy with other things and not always available. You created an interest in her and you made her miss you by not being around. You didn’t know it but you were doing everything right.

At some point you went from being a fun loving, free spirit to a dependent, needy, sponge. You needed her, you were with her a lot, at school, at work, you even moved two blocks away. That’s just too close. Even if you were having a good time you need to be apart or you just get too much of one another. I’m sure you’ve heard that phrase, “You can’t have steak every night.” It’s the same thing with a relationship. No matter how good the relationship is your going to turn her or anyone away if your around them too much. You have to provide space in a relationship. You became dependent on her which is the exact opposite of what a woman wants in a relationship. You leaned on her and she needs to lean on you.

[Sh4de]

It's weird, today at work we went for lunch, laughed, had fun. I didn't talk about the other boy, and actually made a few jokes about the situation. I explained that even if we stopped being a couple that I'd be happy to stay friends. For some reason things are going well.. but she still says that she needs time to think about things for herself. Like if I'm what she wants or whatever.

It happened when I said that I was going to stop being selfish and give her the space she wants. Then she said I just want space when I ask for it, not all the time. So I asked... basically like this "Do you want space at lunch time?" She was like, no I think I could do lunch.

Am I making a mistake by talking to her? Everything seems fine, like we're best friends... as long as I don't bring up the situation at hand she seems to not get distant or anything. And as long as I joke about it, she can laugh. But if I say it seriously like I want an answer to the questions in my brain, she gets all distant again.

Weird eh?

[chuff]

It's weird, today at work we went for lunch, laughed, had fun. I didn't talk about the other boy, and actually made a few jokes about the situation. I explained that even if we stopped being a couple that i'd be happy to stay friends. For some reason things are going well.. but she still says that she needs time to think about things for herself. Like if I'm what she wants or whatever.

I’m not going to say this was wrong because she saw you being happy and joking. However, I don’t think I would have told her you can remain friends because it gives her an out and gives her power over the situation. It helps her come down emotionally if your there as a friend.

Am I making a mistake by talking to her?

I kind of think so. Or at least talking to her so much. I wouldn’t say don’t talk to her but don’t be so eager to initiate the conversations and keep them short.

Everything seems fine, like we're best friends... as long as I don't bring up the situation at hand she seems to not get distant or anything.

Exactly. Like your best friends.

And as long as I joke about it, she can laugh. But if I say it seriously like I want an answer to the questions in my brain, she gets all distant again.

Weird eh?

No, not weird at all. In fact quite predictable. Let’s take a look at what this Chuff character said in his last post……

At some point you went from being a fun loving, free spirit to a dependent, needy, sponge. You needed her, you were with her a lot, at school, at work, you even moved two blocks away. That’s just too close. Even if you were having a good time you need to be apart or you just get to much of one another. I’m sure you’ve heard that phrase, “You can’t have steak every night.” It’s the same thing with a relationship. No matter how good the relationship is your going to turn her or anyone away if your around them to much. You have to provide space in a relationship. You became dependent on her which is the exact opposite of what a woman wants in a relationship. You leaned on her and she needs to lean on you.

As I stated when you’re a fun loving free spirit she’s into you. When you start getting serious and leaning on her she pulls back. It’s predictable and if you take the fact that she’s your girlfriend out of this she isn’t really behaving any different than most women in the human race.

Human beings, no matter, race, religion, or culture have behavior patterns that are very similar and if you take a step back and see what’s going on you can really help yourself out. Jesushelper, Akaetrue and I have, I believe, given you some good advice but you so emotionally wrapped up that I don't think it's sinking in. Please read and reread what we've written.

I think your thinking with your emotional brain and it’s clouding your thinking here. There have been times when you couldn’t keep her away from you. There have been times when she didn’t want to be around you. What’s the difference? When your smothering her, as you admit to doing, on top of being serious she doesn’t want you. When you don’t give her much attention but are fun and happy she gets interested. If you stop and think about your entire relationship it’s been that way the entire time. I also said you need to out think her now. This is one way to do it. She thinks she knows you and that she can depend on you at any moment for anything. Well, don’t be there at any moment for anything. Be absent, be gone, do something that she doesn’t expect and then tell others but not tell her. Make her wonder exactly who you are.