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    ROZPTE1's Avatar
    ROZPTE1 Posts: 1, Reputation: 1
    New Member

    Feb 26, 2016, 09:23 AM
    Should I be hurt and upset being left out of the obituary notice as daughter in law?
    In my mothers in laws obituary, it said leaving behind her children dean and jenny all the grandchildren...
    Wondergirl's Avatar
    Wondergirl Posts: 37,910, Reputation: 5430
    Jobs & Parenting Expert

    Feb 26, 2016, 09:36 AM
    Are you married to Dean?
    J_9's Avatar
    J_9 Posts: 40,299, Reputation: 5645

    Feb 26, 2016, 09:55 AM
    What did the obit actually say?

    How long were you actually married to her child? Were there any animosities?

    You really don't give enough information for us to give a reasonable answer.
    tickle's Avatar
    tickle Posts: 23,801, Reputation: 2674

    Feb 26, 2016, 10:34 AM
    Yes, if getting upset at slights is your style, then go ahead but I would not. The family is grieving, I would let it pass. Present family are usually mentioned but not in laws unless of course they held a certain prominence or affection in the life of the deceased.
    Curlyben's Avatar
    Curlyben Posts: 18,481, Reputation: 1857
    Admin & Wine Expert

    Feb 26, 2016, 11:10 AM
    It's quite normal for only the immediate family to be mentioned by name.
    After all you're only part of the family by marriage...
    Wondergirl's Avatar
    Wondergirl Posts: 37,910, Reputation: 5430
    Jobs & Parenting Expert

    Feb 26, 2016, 11:24 AM
    In all the obits I've seen, the spouse is mentioned in parentheses after the child's name. "Donna leaves two children, Sally (Robert) and Michael (Fiona), and was predeceased by her husband, James."
    ScottGem's Avatar
    ScottGem Posts: 64,966, Reputation: 6056
    Computer Expert and Renaissance Man

    Feb 26, 2016, 11:24 AM
    I'm with Ben. I just browsed the obit page of our local newspaper and no where were in-laws mentioned. It was always

    Left behind, spouse and children or survived by spouse, children, blood siblings, etc.

    So, no I wouldn't be slighted.
    Jake2008's Avatar
    Jake2008 Posts: 6,721, Reputation: 3460
    Emotional Health Expert

    Feb 26, 2016, 11:34 AM
    I would be hurt.

    Most obituaries include adult children as John, and wife, Stella, and mentioning any other married children, with their spouses. Then the grandchildren, I presume, by the oldest to the youngest.

    To be left out is an oversight, perhaps, but, to be a part of a family, particularly a spouse who has likely provided grandchildren, and to be left out, is disrespectful, and rude in my opinion.

    Both those that work in the administrative end of a funeral home, and those who help with the wording of an obituary at the local newspaper office, would not have recommended the wording to exclude anyone. Immediate family members, sons and daughters, as well as their spouses, and any resulting grandchildren, should be inclusive, not exclusive. Those are but two examples of where assistance is available, with examples, to help with the wording, particularly during stressful times. The internet, friends, other family members, those who have lost loved ones, etc, many sources to help in the wording to ensure nobody is left out. Whether they are 'blood' or not.

    That you are hurt is understandable, but there is nothing you can do about it now, so I hope you will take the high road here, and not even mention it to family members, friends, or anyone.
    Cat1864's Avatar
    Cat1864 Posts: 8,007, Reputation: 3687
    Marriage Expert

    Feb 26, 2016, 12:29 PM
    Does Jenny have a spouse? If so and he/she wasn't mentioned then I would not be offended or hurt.

    Leaving out in-laws could be for money saving reasons. The longer the obit, the more it costs. Some papers offer a very short space for free or at a low cost. Every word after the base amount adds to the cost. They can get expensive very quickly.

    You know how you feel about her and she felt about you. Not being mentioned in an obituary will not change those feelings and the memories you shared unless you choose to allow it to. Does getting upset over it help you and your family grieve or does it add to the stress?
    Fr_Chuck's Avatar
    Fr_Chuck Posts: 81,304, Reputation: 7692

    Feb 26, 2016, 08:12 PM
    Who wrote them, and remember they are written in a time of extreme stress.

    When my mother and father died, we had to give the funeral director the information, when we were deciding caskets, thinking about what they were to wear, about flowers and a 1000 things more important than what the newspaper would say.

    Most of ours do not ever mention "in laws"

    Personally, I think it is petty to even think about being upset about this sort of thing.

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