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    ivybelle's Avatar
    ivybelle Posts: 3, Reputation: 1
    New Member
     
    #1

    Nov 25, 2009, 10:59 PM
    Mother Remains Married to Child Molester
    Hello everyone,
    I ran across this site while searching and I wanted to get some insight into my situation.

    My mother has been married to my Step-Father for a little over 30 years. She divorced my father when I was about 4 or 5, moved to a larger city and met my now step-father. I remember that he was very attentive towards me, but once I turned about 8 his affection became twisted and he started molesting me. I had to fight him off continuously until I was out of high school. I went away to college and while I was there I got the strength to tell my mother about what he had done. She did not divorce him, but instead they went to marital counseling. I need to back up and let everyone know one important thing... This man decided when I was about 10 or 11 that he had been called to preach:rolleyes: so he became an ordained minister... all while still molesting me. I feel that part of the reason that she did not divorce him was because they were in a church by this point and she did not want the embarrassment. He had actually started pastoring at a church and is still there some 30 years later:eek:. This church is in the south and anyone familiar with the south knows that "religion" is very strong here. Many family secrets are hidden due to people's "religious convictions".

    I started seeing a counselor in my late 20's and stopped after we hit a wall. I still struggled with how to communicate with my parents since my mother decided to stay with him. I sucked it up and tried to outwardly project an image of being in a happy family, but that grew old and it was too draining. I stopped with the pretense and I had a long talk with my mother. In the conversation, I let her know that not only had her husband molested me, but several other neighborhood kids that were my friends. She started to cry and at this point I told her that I loved her but I could not continue a fašade for the public. I told her that I did not care for him as a person, he was disgusting to me, and I thought that he was a pedophile who would never change. I let her know that he probably had done this to other children and teens but she did not know it. She kept crying. I told her that I would discontinue my relationship with her because she was continuing to stay with this "man" after being told everything. I let her know that he had manipulated her for years and she needed to start thinking for herself. I let her know that I didn't know whether her self-esteem was low or whether she felt like she could not leave because of finances (she is 60 and has been a house wife for a large portion of her life). I let her know that I loved her as a person, but I did not like the choices that she was making. I am not married and I have no children, but I did let her know that if I had any children she could come to see them. They could not come to her house as long as she remained married to her husband. I have given her books to read on pedophiles and she keeps insisting that this is not her husband... I know... Denial.

    I love my mother to death-faults and all, but I am saddened that I have to do this. I feel that I don't have much of a choice. I told her that I would not live the rest of my life in constant dysfunction. I am trying to have a normal healthy life. She could live in dysfunction if that was her choice, but I would not.

    Am I going to the extreme with this decision? Just wanted some opinions. Everyone have a great Thanksgiving! Thank you ahead of time for your responses and thank you for taking the time to read my post. I will check back later on!
    Gemini54's Avatar
    Gemini54 Posts: 2,871, Reputation: 1116
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    #2

    Nov 26, 2009, 12:15 AM

    It sounds to me as if you're doing exactly the right thing. You have been clear with your mother about your stepfather and the effect of his sexual abuse on your life.

    You have been clear with your mother and told her that you love her, but whilst she stays with him you can't have a normal relationship with her, because that is tantamount to her condoning his actions.

    You have been clear with your mother that you've had to make a choice regarding her choice to continue to be with your step father.

    You are entitled to live a happy and healthy life in every aspect.

    Obviously, you should make choices that support this.

    Your mother, for whatever reason, has made a choice to be with a man that abuses children. You may not respect or agree with her choice but you must accept it if you want to move on with your life.

    Even though it was a long time ago, you may still be able to take your step father through the legal system. Or, you may choose to confront him with his actions in front of your mother.

    These are other choices available to you, which although difficult could help you to scale that wall that you hit.

    I wish you all the best. You've been strong and you'll continue to be.
    ivybelle's Avatar
    ivybelle Posts: 3, Reputation: 1
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    #3

    Nov 26, 2009, 01:38 AM

    Thank you for your response Gemini54!

    I may have posted this entire thing in the wrong spot. If so hopefully one of the mods will move it.
    amicon's Avatar
    amicon Posts: 6,066, Reputation: 1911
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    #4

    Nov 26, 2009, 01:44 AM

    Ivy, I can only agree with Gemini, you've done the right thing and you're a very strong person. All the best.
    talaniman's Avatar
    talaniman Posts: 54,327, Reputation: 10855
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    #5

    Nov 28, 2009, 09:54 AM

    You're doing what you have to do to survive, and have a normal as possible life, and I wish you only the best.
    Devorameira's Avatar
    Devorameira Posts: 2,461, Reputation: 981
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    #6

    Nov 28, 2009, 10:40 AM
    You certainly are a strong person and I am truly sorry for what you've had to go through. Your poor mother has been through hell with this man too. I think he's a controlling, abusive man and she's afraid of being alone and thinks she can't make ends meet.

    In my estimation your stepfather is still molesting children. It takes real commitment and years of therapy to change such ingrained behaviors and it doesn't sound like he's been getting therapy. I'd say he's using his title of "preacher" as a cover. Kids look up to them and would probably be afraid to say anything. Look at how many boys the catholic priests molested over the years and no one knew. They all were afraid....the kids looked up to them as gods.

    You are going to have to follow your heart on this one, but I think if it were me, I'd confront your mom and stepfather together. I'd tell him that I was watching every move he makes to ensure that he doesn't molest more children. I'd tell him that the statutes of limitations may have run out for you, but when you find another child that has been molested within the last 10 years that his butt will be in jail. Who cares about embarrassing him in the church??? He's ruined countless lives and deserves much more than a little embarassment. In my estimation he is evil and he needs to be stopped.
    excon's Avatar
    excon Posts: 21,482, Reputation: 2992
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    #7

    Nov 28, 2009, 10:52 AM
    Quote Originally Posted by ivybelle View Post
    I am trying to have a normal healthy life. She could live in dysfunction if that was her choice, but I would not.

    Am I going to the extreme with this decision?
    Hello ivybelle:

    Nope. I think you did good.

    excon
    ivybelle's Avatar
    ivybelle Posts: 3, Reputation: 1
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    #8

    Nov 29, 2009, 09:56 PM

    Again... Thank you everyone for your answers! You have been a great help more than you may realize!
    Jake2008's Avatar
    Jake2008 Posts: 6,721, Reputation: 3460
    Emotional Health Expert
     
    #9

    Dec 1, 2009, 12:58 AM

    I think you are very brave, and you handled this situation with your mother in the best possible way. Clearly you love her, and want the best for her, and I can't think of a single thing that you could have done differently.

    Now that the truth is out, I'm sure that at some point, she will relay this talk you had with her, to him. My advice is to just be careful of his reaction. He has a lot more to lose now, than he did when you were little.

    As a person, do I think the right thing to do is to expose him? Yes, I do. He won't stop, until he is behind bars. Whatever you decide to do, keep track of all contacts, dates, times, etc.

    One other thing is, you may wish to reassure your mother that there is help for her. There are many social service agencies that can help her get back on her feet.

    Good luck to you, and no matter how this all turns out, you did the right thing in talking to your mom.

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