Maybe she loved me at one point, seven or eight years ago. But during this new decade, she's done nothing but hurt me, physically at first until I've grown too much and now mentally. At first I tried to believe she didn't mean to. Maybe it was just how she drank too much, too much wine and vodka too much alcohol in general. Then I heard how she'd talk about me. I was her little niggar baby, I had a niggar nose, and my hair was nappy and ugly...
When she's drunk, she hates everyone. My father stopped drinking because he saw how it affected her. The only time he has a beer is when she's gone for her job a few nights out of the week and he says "Thank God." when she is.
I realize I'm not what she wanted when she got pregnant eighteen years ago, I'm a completely different person ever since we moved to California fresno. She's had two other daughters, and they're both completely like her, dimwitted and airy and hopeful and funny and talkative. And I'm none of that. I'm quiet, too thoughtful, I don't spend time talking with her about anything, and when we do its only because she's calling me a lazy , she thinks I don't do anything around the house. She's convinced herself so much she hired a maid for the house. Honestly, even with maids it looks the same as when I clean the house. And its harder because this is my senior year, I need a mother, I love her, I'm scared her drinking is going to cause a divorce. And I want to love her, I want to care, but every time I do, I hear what she's said, how she's never acted out of kindness. She hurts me one weekend doesn't say sorry, and the next weekend makes an excuse to spend money we don't have on things we don't need. I don't know what to do.
I can't love her, it hurts me too much, and she doesn't love me because I'm too much like my father and they've been talking about how much they hate each other for five years.
This is the only year the house has been mildly quiet, only because of the new job she took on the cost so we never see her.

So, she's an alcoholic.
She verbally abuses me, and ignores everything I do for the house, and all that I've accomplished in high school, my honors and achievements and 3.8 GPA means nothing.
I'm extremely depressed and don't know what to do. I used to try and make her stop drinking, tried to force her to listen to me, her daughter, but she refuses. I can't make her understand me, and she insists on thinking I'm a complete idiot, a whore of a daughter who'll fail at college and high school, and who'll depend on them their whole life and because of this image, that she's created. She hates me. That's what I believe, because everything else she's shown does not support me, and does not show love.


Help me. How can I make her my mother again?

Your mom is an alcoholic. There's nothing wrong w/ you or the way you look, there is something wrong w/ your mum...

Even her OWN husband says "Thank God" when she leaves... what does that tell you? She cannot be a very "pleasant" person to have around EVEN for her own "soul mate"...

It's really out of your control if you are a person of more "substance" and depth than your other siblings. It's AWESOME actually that you are unique. You don't have to be anything other than who you are... that's all that's required of you in this life. You can give yourself permission to believe that you're good enough noodle_toast. Take that power away from your mom or ANYONE ELSE for that matter. We all have our own unique traits in this life... and as you grow and live and become older you will see that you always had the power, (it's just right now that you're struggling. This is not your whole life... it doesn't have to be.. ).

3.8 GPA?! OMG!! Your smart and deep and sensitive... you have it going on, girl. YOU DO... you're just feeling so unloved and unappreciated. I wish I can tell you that she'll change... Maybe one day she will, but you can't be guided by how she feels about you. You know better than that because it's hurting you.

Imagine how awesome a person you really are... even after all the horrid things she says about you... and you are still forgiving enough that you want a relationship with her. That speak VOLUMES about you. It says that you are a beautiful and loving person. You're so good that you're willing to forgive and develop a relationship w/ her ANYWAY. Any mom would be blessed w/ a child like you... (I'm a mom... I should KNOW!).

If you want you can consider asking her to go to family counselling. It might snap her out of her self absorbed behavior... but quite honestly it usually does not go over well w/ alcoholics.

Alcoholics are addicts... they are a breed of people that no one can help but their OWN SELVES... do you understand that?

It's ON YOU to protect YOURSELF. Work very hard at being strong. Focus your attention on YOUR OWN LIFE (goodness knows you're mom is not equipped to do this for/with you, as she should be). Continue to impress yourself and others w/ your grades.. it will lead you to a good work ethic and prepare you for your future. That's a positive thing. Develop close bonds w/ your friends... sometimes they can act like an extended family. Lean on your dad for some love... even tho' he's hurting too (as alcoholism affect the entire family... ), I'm sure he loves you BECAUSE you remind him of HIM and he probably needs you too.. Get busy maybe w/ an after school activity? Just to keep yourself grounded and focused on YOU.

You didn't make your mom messed up... you don't pour the booze down her throat. Don't take any of that responsibility on your shoulders.

It's not your fault that your mom is abusive and cruel while she's inebriated. There is nothing that YOU personally do to make her say the mean things she says. She's messed up! For goodness sakes your mom is an alcoholic... they're all messed up. Those people have SEVERE problems that stem from deep down into their past. The words that she says really don't have a thing to do with you... (odd as it sounds. She just bitter about a personal issue SHE HAS). It's not YOU. I know that it's hard to believe.

Listen, I have 2 brothers and a dad whom are all psychologists... I PROMISE YOU that none of any of her cruel words she says to you or about you has ANYTHING to do with you. (I've learned and continue to learn about the human psyche... so I know a thing or two... ).

Please let me know what you're feeling.. I look forward to your response. Xo