For the last 8 years I have cared for a mom with Alzheimer's disease, and a 38 year-old daughter with breast cancer. Both have died. My oldest daughter was not there to help with the care of mom and her sister; claims no one in the family was there for her; blames me (mom) and never her dad, for turning everyone against her. I just can't please her and she is always so angry with me, and others in my family. We have asked her not to come back. Very hurtful situation.

I am so sorry you have had to endure this pain.

How would you like us to help you?

Not sure... just wonder how everything went so wrong!

Well, we really need more info.

We are/were not there. The more info you can give the better we can help you. Please do not hesitate to give a lot of info.

We really do not know how everything went wrong. From what you posted we can only speculate.

I understand that you were there.. where was daddy?. you were the punish -er... the caretaker... sacrificed your life for the one's you love... while you were taking care of your mother and child... she felt left out... that is selfish and can be considered normal... especially... if she had your attention earlier... never tell a child not to come back because of pain... call her and just say thinking of you... if she wants to fuss... tell her to come over and have a cup of coffee... cuts the sh**... if she does not... give her time and you go take care of yourself... find something else that needs your attention.. mentor to other at risk children or children that just need a friend... in today's society there are many of them... do not waste your time on bad spirits... bad spirits will cause you some pain...

Selfish, self-centered people can't see from anyone else's point of view nor do they see how they push their needs above everyone else's. Its as if the concept of "share" just isn't in their vocabulary. Its as if bitter is the glue that holds them together. If this is the case with your daughter, don't let her perceptions of you color how you feel about yourself. I have had to let go of several family members who were equally as destructive. Its sad but we are powerless over others and not nearly as many people seek professional help that should. I eventually began to think of my family as mentally ill (even if there isn't a name for whatever they have besides dysfunctional) or as them having a soul sickness and came to recognise that it's their illness talking and not really them. That helped create some sense of solice for me. It helped me lower my expectations of them and find alternative sources for support. I hope it does for you too.

Your post gives limited information, but based on it you were right to ask her not to come back, at least not until she gets her act together and starts taking responsibility for her own actions and feelings. She needs to understand that sometimes certain family members need more care and attention at certain times than others. Assuming that your oldest daughter is sound and healthy and living a satisfactory quality of life for which she's taken primary responsibility, then a mother with Alzheimer's and a daughter with breast cancer certainly trumps the whims of your oldest daughter. Now, sadly, your mother and younger daughter have passed on, so now you can certainly be there for your oldest daughter provided she's mature enough not to carry grudges and realize that the whole world doesn't strictly revolve around her.

Okay, I think now I am reading into this a little differently. As a breast cancer survivor myself I understand how hard it is for some family members to watch a loved one go through this.

She is having a very hard time dealing with the loss of grandmother and sister. She is not doing this purposely, this is a process that many family members go through, a greiving process if you will.

You worked so hard taking care of mother and daughter and she felt left out.

In going through my own battle I know that my husband felt much the way you describe your daughter. Everything was about me, my chemo, my doctor visits, my hair loss, my surgeries. Do you see where I am going with this? He felt that no one was there for him, or the pain he was going through watching me suffer.

She is blaming you because she is scared. She is frightened that she may get Alzheimers or breast cancer herself. Whether she is conscious of this or not, this is most likely what she is feeling.

You took care of mother, you took care of other daughter, who took care of her? Do you see my point? She really needs to know that you are there for her and kicking her out is only going to make it worse.

She needs some counseling to get these fears out in the open. She needs someone to love her. Yes, I am sure you do, but while you were taking care of your family, she felt that she was just a shadow in your life.

She is a very hurt and fearful girl right now and she really needs to open up and let it all out. It's going to take some sreaming and crying on her part, but once she gets it out, things will be better.

J9…This is all true. And, when my daughter did not respond to her sister/grandmother or even my needs, I felt she was frightened. She did not witness her sister or grandmother at all and did not inquire about their well being at any time. Had not a single qualm about forgiving/forgetting about her not making herself available. However, prior to all of these events, our relationship struggled at times with me generally being the whipping post when she was not at odds with a girlfriend, co-worker, boss, or ? She said she had “glorious counseling” for two years, and with the counselors recommendation did previously tell me that I was never the mother she needed, was not there for her and just did not meet her expectations. I was devastated, but listened, apologized and agreed to do everything I could to change things. But, it just never is enough. Attempts on my parts to encourage her to appear on her sister’s behalf, grandmother usually ended up hurtful. Since my mother has died, she came back, said she would never let us (dad and me) go again. It was wonderful for a few months, then the demands started coming. I had to apologize again. After that she wanted apologies from my bro/sis/families. They refused even though I did ask them. She said no one was there for her; no one values her; she is always the blacksheep. She said she only wants a relationship with dad and me, nothing with anyone else in the family…and we are not to talk about them, tell her anything about them, and that includes her deceased sister. Is a beautiful, intelligent girl. I just can’t please her.

Wow, she is a frightened gal!!

However, you need to stop apologizing to her. She should be apologizing to you. Period end of story.

You may need to sit her down with the family around, yes, I said the family. All of them. And have an intervention of sorts. She needs to know how she has hurt everyone too. However, those people also need to let her know that she is loved by them and that is why they are so hurt by her actions. It seems as though she was manipulating her counselor to say the things she wanted to hear.

Sometimes some tough love works best. I have had to do this with a particular family member and afterward they seemed to grasp better what was going on in their own little mind. Sure there is anger and resentment at first. And it takes a little time to get over, but when it is all out in the open it is hard to ignore.

I certainly feel for your situation.

J9... Yes, apologizing has not worked, because the demands continue. A friend of mine suggested that perhaps she is expressing narcissistic behavior. I have been reading about it, but, not being very knowledgeable about psychiatric disorders, I am hesitant to apply any labels. But, there are some characteristics that are so true. It frightens me even more to read there is little change in their behavior even with treatment, and the guilt of thinking that I may have caused her to be born this way is just awful.

For the present, there is not much hope of a family session. She told us not to contact her in any way, or to inform her of any family concerns. We have lost two daughters and it is just so hard to accept. Thank you for responding. I am keeping your comments at hand.

It also sounds like it could be borderline personality syndrome too. Actually I am not sure a guessing game is very productive in the long run. She is ill and that's all you need to know. Please don't take on the guilt, its really bad for you, its really bad for them too. Its hard when family members are too ill to have decent relationships with but apparently not ill enough to seek help -- I know this firsthand having been estranged from my father, brother and sister after my mom died. Now my dad is recently gone too and there is just no hope for a reconciliation. Sometimes we just need to let go and free ourselves from the source of pain. Let the grief work begin and count yourself as one of many who knows that you can lose loved ones to worse things than death. You have my deepest condolences.