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    Calliebug14's Avatar
    Calliebug14 Posts: 3, Reputation: 1
    New Member
     
    #1

    Apr 8, 2011, 03:10 PM
    I'm starting to really hate my mother
    I used to cut my wrists, and it wasn't until recently that my mom learned this. Last night I wouldn't let my mother check my wrists, and after that she told me that I was forbidden to ever see my best friend again. She thinks I want to be just like my cutter best friend, apparently.

    After that I told her I wasn't going to be ordered around like that, so she grounded me and stormed off to her room. She told my sister to get her a glass of milk but my sister let me do it instead, and when I went in to give it to her these were her exact words "I told Tara [my sister] to get it, not you. You could go jump off a cliff right now for all I care. Now get out of my room." I'm not exaggerating either; that was exactly what came out of her mouth.

    Obviously that hurt me deeply, and I went into my room and cried. Then the next morning she made me go to my own bus stop instead of getting on with my best friend like I normally do. Right before I got out of the car, I told her I hated her then I slammed the door.

    I don't understand why she would do that. She's never exactly been understanding about my cutting, but she's never done that. She's never said such an awful thing to me when I was doing her a favor, either. She used to treat my best friend like she was her own daughter.

    She let her go on all of our family trips, my mom paid for my friend to go on the school trip we took to sea world last year, and she was even going to pay for her to go to girls camp with me this year. Why the sudden change? How was my mom able to go from treating my best friend like her own flesh and blood, to treating her like a pest who was invading our lives? And how do I get my mother to see what she is doing, is hurting me and my best friend more than she could ever understand?
    Wondergirl's Avatar
    Wondergirl Posts: 37,769, Reputation: 5427
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    #2

    Apr 8, 2011, 03:21 PM

    Back up the bus. Who is hurting whom?

    I used to cut my wrists, and it wasnt until recently that my mom learned this...She's never exactly been understanding about my cutting

    You used to cut? You don't any longer?

    Your mom just recently learned about it, but she's never understood why (like she's known for a long time)?

    Just to fill us in, why do you cut?

    I really don't understand. Your post seems to have holes in it as to the cutting history and your mother's reaction to it.

    I also don't understand why you are feeling hurt and misunderstood. What is your mother feeling??
    Calliebug14's Avatar
    Calliebug14 Posts: 3, Reputation: 1
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    #3

    Apr 8, 2011, 04:06 PM
    Comment on Wondergirl's post
    I cut because I don't have anyone to talk to. My dad works out of state, my siblings are still too young to understand, and my mother just doesn't want to hear about it until I listen to what happened to her with her kidney that day (she had kidney failure until January, when she finally got a new kidney) So when I cut it made me feel like all my problems were leaking out with my blood. Its twisted, f cked up logic but I'm serious.
    She found out a month ago, and yelled at me for it. She makes me show her my wrists everyday and last night I told her I wouldn't show her because she needs to trust me more.
    And I wish I knew how she felt. One minute she's yelling at the top of her lungs and the next she's calmly asking me to unload the dishwasher. I honestly don't know how else to explain it.
    Wondergirl's Avatar
    Wondergirl Posts: 37,769, Reputation: 5427
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    #4

    Apr 8, 2011, 04:18 PM

    I cut because I don't have anyone to talk to.

    There are no adults in your life whom you like or trust -- a friend's parent, a favorite teacher, an older teen friend, an aunt or uncle, the school counselor?

    my mother just doesn't want to hear about it

    If she is taking the time to check your wrists every day, it sounds like she has time for you. Have you ever said, "Mom, I need to talk to someone"? Of course, then she just butts in and say, "Shuddup, kid. Lemme tell you about my kidney."

    January...got a new kidney

    So she has a new kidney now. The kidney stuff is finished. Now talk to her about cutting.

    when I cut it made me feel like all my problems were leaking out with my blood

    And you cut because it's something you can control. Otherwise, you feel helpless.

    she needs to trust me more.

    How is she going to get to that place where she can trust you?

    And I wish I knew how she felt.

    Ask her.
    SweetDee's Avatar
    SweetDee Posts: 534, Reputation: 51
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    #5

    Apr 16, 2011, 07:04 AM
    It sounds to me like your mom isn't very "equipped" to deal with knowing that you cut. Between having been ill enough to need a new kidney and the recoup time... and whatever else she has in her head that we don't know, it just sounds to me like you're disappointed in her ability to plug into your emotional needs.

    When people cut... of all the reasons this is done that we already know, can I remind you that it's not the solution for you because even tho' at the time you feel a "release"... ultimately you need to keep going back to it like a drug (addiction) and you're never satisfied because you're not talking about what's really upsetting you deeply in your life. All you'll end up with is a bunch of scars... not to mention the ones inside your head.

    Your friend may have been the catalist, essentially introducing you to the act of cutting BUT the desire to perpetuate this act is deep seeded... nothing you can't stop if you choose an open minded path by finding someone (an adult like a school counselor or family member you trust) to TALK freely with. I say, "Open minded path" because it takes COURAGE to open up and talk about what upsets you with someone. It's easier to keep your problems to yourself.

    I see how much you need your mom right now and it sounds like you feel she's failing you. You have to look out for yourself right now and be your OWN ROLE MODEL and get stepping into finding a way out of this hole you're in right now. You can't make your mom be a better role model, unfortunately... and the fact that you're reaching out shows that you want help.

    Be your OWN hero (savior) and get yourself the help you clearly know you deserve.

    Your best friend needs it too. You can go together perhaps to the guidance counselor at your school and confind in them about your cutting... you both deserve to change your life for the better. You just have to suck it up and risk trusting someone with your secret. You have nothing to lose at this point.

    Start opening the lines of communication with your mom if you can. Try and give that a chance. She loves you and that's at least something, even if she's not getting you right now.

    Be selfish and take care of yourself and get help! This is your life and no one is going to step up more for you other than YOU. You may not feel worth it right now... but there was a time in the past that you did... and there will be a time in the future that you will... but not unless you risk standing up for yourself. BE SELFISH. Just remember you're hurting now... be your best friend and come to your own rescue, please. Xo (hugs<3)

    joypulv's Avatar
    joypulv Posts: 21,593, Reputation: 2941
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    #6

    Apr 26, 2011, 07:17 AM
    Even though I'm old now, I can remember my mean, bitter mother like it was yesterday. When we are young we have no concept of what adults are going through. Keep in mind that your mother is probably taking anti-rejection drugs that can cause people to experience all sorts of effects, emotionally as well as physically, she is probably tired a lot, worried about life and death - and you KILLING YOURSELF. How does she know whether it's just release for you or a suicide attempt? Why should she trust you? And why shouldn't she assume that you picked it up from your cutting friend?

    Sit down with her. Start by saying you are sorry you don't ask her more about how she feels. Ask her for a plan to check your wrists once a week for 6 weeks, then once a month, and so on - put it on a calendar. Ask her if you can get on the bus with your friend on the same type of schedule.

    You know, in some ways you are sisters in pain here. She with her kidney and you with your need to cut. See if you can find some common ground. You don't have to be buddies, just understanding.

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