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    katie_forder's Avatar
    katie_forder Posts: 24, Reputation: 0
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    #1

    May 18, 2011, 07:14 PM
    I'm a mother of two and I have no friends..
    My question is where do I find friends? Or how?
    I'm young but I'm a mom and I'm not interested in going to parties and doing selfish things that most people my age are. My fiancÚ has a couple friends and goes out with them often and sometimes has them over. I'm so lost with myself because I'm always with myself. I'm starting to dislike myself and I really want to be a positive person and good role model for my children. Especially for my 5 year old daughter.
    I could go on and on but not sure if it will help at all. Any advice would be great. Actually a friend would be great.
    Thanks
    mystific's Avatar
    mystific Posts: 340, Reputation: 308
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    #2

    May 18, 2011, 08:12 PM

    Take your daughter to the park to play with other children and start conversations with other mum's.

    If you have any hobbies you like.. see if they have any groups going in your area, school activities...

    Fastest way to meet other mother's or like minded individuals is through your child.. I did.. then ended up having to make a conserted effort to not talk to so many people.. my phone never stopped ringing!
    talaniman's Avatar
    talaniman Posts: 53,909, Reputation: 10852
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    #3

    May 18, 2011, 08:32 PM

    I agree, doing things with your daughter can be a lot of fun, especially with activities you can both learn from. For good clean, adult, stimulation though, nothing like classes, causes, and volunteer work.
    Wondergirl's Avatar
    Wondergirl Posts: 37,769, Reputation: 5427
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    #4

    May 18, 2011, 08:35 PM

    Volunteer at the hospital or an animal shelter or a nursing home or the library. Join the book discussion group or writers' group at the library. If there isn't one, start one. (I'll tell you how.) The librarians will love you! Take your daughter to the library to pick out books and enjoy some of the kid programs. Chat with other parents while you are there.

    Stick around here and answer questions. You'll meet some very interesting people.

    Most people are friendly and talkative. Get involved with life!!
    mmresd's Avatar
    mmresd Posts: 2,001, Reputation: 553
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    #5

    May 18, 2011, 10:01 PM
    I would definitely try some group activities. Maybe volunteer someplace that has child care and talk to the other volunteers? I know my mother did that for a while and they offered free child care while volunteering was happening.

    Good luck,
    Javi
    katie_forder's Avatar
    katie_forder Posts: 24, Reputation: 0
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    #6

    May 19, 2011, 10:20 AM
    Thanks for all advice. I've been taking both my kids to the library once or twice a week and there are always at least 20 moms there! It's a popular library I guess. But every one of them are older than me. I think the youngest one I met recently was about 30. It's just hard to actually talk about the same things (besides kids).
    I am going to sign my daughter up for the classes there and look for other school activities to join.

    Thank you all so much :)
    dontknownuthin's Avatar
    dontknownuthin Posts: 2,910, Reputation: 751
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    #7

    May 19, 2011, 10:26 AM

    There is nothing selfish about taking time to take care of yourself. It's selfish not to create some time for yourself, without your children, to pursue your personal interests because if you are not replenished as an individual, you will become depressive and isolated and will have nothing to give. You will hae nothing interesting to discuss with your husband, and living vicariously through his life experiences outside of the immediate household will put too much pressure on him to be your entire world. Also, it can be too much pressure on children to be their mother's entire world.

    I recommend that you start a mom's night out, perhaps with some of the other mother's at the library - pick one night a week or month when you'll all meet for coffee or wine, or for a book club, or to see a chick flick and go for pie afterwards - whatever the ladies want to do, and leave the kids with their fathers.

    Particularly as you have a daughter, part of your responsibility to her is to model that she can have some independence and a life of her own, that Mom is a person in her own right with her own needs for some privacy and adult time and time for her own interests, as then your daughter will one day feel it's OK to take care of her own needs, too.

    In other words - dump the guilt and dump judgement of other mothers who might work outside the home, leave the kids with a sitter to go out, etc. as being "selfish".

    I loved when my parents went out for an evening without us and we got a babysitter - it was fun, and as a child I needed a break from 24/7 with mom. I loved going to the gym daycare when my mother played tennis or did exercise class, too - it was a fun place to go with different things to play with than we had at home. And when my mother had evening club meetings for bridge (this was some years ago) it was fun to make grilled cheese sandwiches, and tomato soup with my father and he'd make it special by taking us three kids out for dessert - that bonding time just with dad was awesome. Your kids benefit a lot from being in someone else's care sometimes - they learn to adapt, learn whatever that person has to share, learn new songs and games, get special treats, get more adult role models and caring adult people in their lives - it's a win-win if you pick good people. And you come back with something nice to tell your huband and kids, feeling replenished, your social needs met.
    Wondergirl's Avatar
    Wondergirl Posts: 37,769, Reputation: 5427
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    #8

    May 19, 2011, 11:00 AM
    Quote Originally Posted by katie_forder View Post
    Thanks for all advice. I've been taking both my kids to the library once or twice a week and there are always at least 20 moms there! It's a popular library I guess. But every one of them are older than me. I think the youngest one I met recently was about 30. It's just hard to actually talk about the same things (besides kids).
    I encourage you to sit with some of them and listen in. You might be surprised what you hear. Yeah, they will talk about stuff that doesn't interest you or about people you don't know. But you might be able to get a few new recipes or find out about groovy info about some local business places. (I like to go to my beauty shop on "old ladies' day." I've gotten wonderful recipes, learned info about funeral homes and assisted living that will come in handy someday, and heard valuable "gossip" about some local business owners.)
    mystific's Avatar
    mystific Posts: 340, Reputation: 308
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    #9

    May 19, 2011, 05:58 PM

    think the youngest one I met recently was about 30.
    I would like to say that even though some of us mums are 30 plus (cough) we are still very much young at heart and very outgoing!

    I like a wide range of music.. activities from reading a book to bungy jumping (note worthy only done it once and never again) and on the extreme rare occasion I go out.. I am most definitely the first one on the dance floor and being dragged off by my friends at the end...

    It's all state of mind.. don't assume just because they may be more 'mature' in age.. they still can't act like a 20 year old :)
    katie_forder's Avatar
    katie_forder Posts: 24, Reputation: 0
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    #10

    May 20, 2011, 05:55 AM
    Comment on dontknownuthin's post
    Thanks so much. I felt great after I read what you had to say.
    I really think that I need "alone time" without kids. My fiancÚ encourages it a lot but I just don't have any friends so it's hard for me when I want to go out. Sometimes I'll just leave and go shopping when he gets home but I end up window shopping (mainly because I don't have any extra money) and coming home feeling the same way I did when I left.
    We're moving next week to a town that doesn't have a large population or much to do and I'm worried about how I'll feel out there. I'm looking for yoga classes and things that may give me some time by myself but at this point I'm going to have to find a part time job for the weekends for extra income and it will take up all my time without the kids.
    Ahhh so much stress!
    Thank you so much I know I will try to be a tiny bit "selfish" although it's super hard for me!
    katie_forder's Avatar
    katie_forder Posts: 24, Reputation: 0
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    #11

    May 20, 2011, 05:59 AM
    Comment on Wondergirl's post
    You're right and I should try harder I just feel a little nervous because I get a vibe sometimes that other mothers are looking at me like I'm too young to have two kids. I can feel it sometimes and it sucks so bad. I have my daughter when I was 17 so I feel like I'm judged a lot. It happens to me everywhere I go actually.
    I'm a proud mother and I don't care what others think of me but I can't make friends when I feel this way.
    Wondergirl's Avatar
    Wondergirl Posts: 37,769, Reputation: 5427
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    #12

    May 20, 2011, 06:02 AM

    We're moving next week to a town that doesn't have a large population or much to do and I'm worried about how I'll feel out there. I'm looking for yoga classes and things that may give me some time by myself but at this point I'm going to have to find a part time job for the weekends for extra income and it will take up all my time without the kids.

    Start with the public library. Not only is it the community hub (groups and activities for both adults and children), but the reference librarians (and front desk staff too) can guide you to find free and entertaining local interests plus even job openings in the area.

    The public library is the place to go! (Oh, and there are books, magazines, audiobooks, DVDs, and other materials you can check out and bring home.)
    talaniman's Avatar
    talaniman Posts: 53,909, Reputation: 10852
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    #13

    May 20, 2011, 07:39 AM

    You're right and I should try harder I just feel a little nervous because I get a vibe sometimes that other mothers are looking at me like I'm too young to have two kids. I can feel it sometimes and it sucks so bad. I have my daughter when I was 17 so I feel like I'm judged a lot. It happens to me everywhere I go actually.
    I'm a proud mother and I don't care what others think of me but I can't make friends when I feel this way.
    Its your own fears that make you nervous, but that's normal for a young 20's something mother. You would do well to look to older, more established people as you figure how to build a life that you enjoy, that will give you a direction to take, and the confidence in yourself to actually do things without fear.
    dontknownuthin's Avatar
    dontknownuthin Posts: 2,910, Reputation: 751
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    #14

    May 20, 2011, 10:33 AM

    When I was home with my son I made a point, too, that every day we had to go somewhere outside of the house and I had to be dressed, with makeup and hair done by no later than 10 am, and he had to be dressed, too. I made the beds and kept the house organized too - it's important for avoiding depression and falling into a slump.

    My community opened park district gyms one morning a week for moms with kids under school age, and we went to that every time. The schools also had a program where moms went to a classroom ith the kids one morning a week for structured activities - then the kids stayed with a teacher and the moms met to discuss parenting and development. The YMCA had mom/tot swimming and exercise classes, and also had child care so I could work out. It's helpful to just find out what your community offers. Churches sometimes have programs, too - and you don't necessarily have to belong to the church.

    Probably the best group for you to tap into will be other moms with children of similar ages, so when you seek out programs for your child, you'll meet other moms, and you can expand by inviting them with their husbands and kids over for a barbecue, or meet on a Saturday for family picnics or whatever. Just be patient - it takes a while to find your crowd.

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