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    MadlyHatter's Avatar
    MadlyHatter Posts: 3, Reputation: 1
    New Member

    Dec 20, 2018, 03:48 PM
    How do I tell my family I'm moving

    I'm a 26 year old woman in England and I recently got into a relationship with a 27 year old woman in Scotland; I live in a village of about 280 people 2 hours away from my girlfriend and I have a lot of family here including my parents and grandparents who have both tried their best to control every single aspect of my life and made me feel like utter crap (And made me cry) if I ever did something they didn't like (go to university, go on holiday, date a girl, get a cat, gained weight, was too loud, read too much, swallowed a drink too loud etc).
    But I love them, despite all that; I'm very close with my mam and my grandma.

    I'm not happy here, I never have been, I've tried to get out over and over and the only reason I stayed was because a really good career option came up that had the potential to get me out in around 2 years.
    I don't have any friends here, I missed out on making any by going to Uni far away, and before that I just didn't socialize.
    My family aren't supportive of anything I do.
    I'm not earning enough to live; my rent is ridiculous and my electric company is trying to wring me dry.
    Some of my colleagues use me as a scapegoat and it got so bad I was signed off for a week by the Dr for depression and suicidal thoughts.

    However in Scotland I have friends from university, I can transfer my job up there, and my girlfriend and her flatmate have told me to move in with them to save on bills - and I've got nothing to lose by doing that, so I'm going to.

    But I don't know how to tell my family; this relationship is only 3 months old so I know they're going to freak out about me moving in with her, but what's the point of getting a flat myself if I'm just going to move in with her in another few months?
    Plus they don't like the fact I'm dating another woman, so I've already got that against me.

    I was thinking I could tell them I got a new job up there and I'm moving in with my girlfriend to save money. But I'm not sure that will work, and I'm worried that I'll only be able to give them 2 weeks warning from getting a job.

    I won't move until I have a job lined up for sure, so it could be months down the line, or it could be mid Jan, who knows?

    I'm just scared they're going to hate me for it. I've already messed things up with them by getting a girlfriend, this will just run salt in their wounds.
    I know it's their problem if they don't like it but I still feel horribly guilty about it; they're my family and I don't want to hurt them.

    Any advice?
    talaniman's Avatar
    talaniman Posts: 54,328, Reputation: 10855

    Dec 21, 2018, 06:12 AM
    Forgive my confusion, but you are very close to mom and grandma, are they the ones trying to control your every aspect of your life, or are we talking about the males being so dominating? Please explain.

    I think everyone goes through those growth periods with our families, when we are on the brink of going from dependents to independence. I feel that's rather normal, especially the fear of being able to build your own life that you enjoy for yourself. You are not alone, as it's a big deal to transition from small town environs to big city options and opportunities and the challenges that presents.

    Follow your plans is what I suggest, stay focused and proactive in making it work, and I wouldn't worry as much that your family will hate you for it, they probably won't (Though they may be very emotional a while about it.), since they still feel like they know best, and you still need to be raised right. What is concerning is that the actions of others puts you down for a week, and seems more emotional based than anything. I know its hard to articulate everything that's bothering you into a few paragraphs, I can see you are overwhelmed and stressed. Events can do that, make us feel isolated and alone. I hope your doctor can or has helped get you through those issues.

    I think you should be very aware that young people getting into new relationships often go through frustrations and dissatisfaction with the situations they are in at HOME, made worse if they have had a taste of something out there that's better than HOME. I can remember those yearnings very well, and the challenges those yearnings bring, and can assure you it's normal to go through them. You have it tough with the double whammy of family AND work in your small town but be patient with yourself and stay FOCUSED on your plan.

    Let me ask what is stopping you from that job you want in another location NOW? It seems once that's secured, things will fall in place, and all will make adjustments around it. LOL, especially family who just want you to find a nice local boy and settle down and have babies, just like they did. Obviously that's not what you want, so don't be distracted by what everyone else wants for you, and what your present job is putting you through. I guess I wrote a bunch of stuff just to say go for what you want and let everything else and everyone else adjust to that. No doubt your family is just as stressed as you are.

    Heck even if you get that new job and friends, there will still be challenges to keep it and make it work for you and that's just LIFE. Everybody just wants to be happy and that's why we do what we do. At least YOU have a plan to work, so work it. Lose the fear, and the angst will fade too. I would very much like you to fill in those blanks with details to my questions if you can.
    Wondergirl's Avatar
    Wondergirl Posts: 38,815, Reputation: 5431
    Jobs & Parenting Expert

    Dec 21, 2018, 11:01 AM
    During the early 1960s, I left my tiny farm town of about 500 people plus my family whom I loved dearly to go off to college 800 miles away in the Chicago suburbs. Four years later I married a classmate whose family lived in a nearby suburb. It was scary but also exciting to be on my own and married to a guy I had known for only a year. I missed my family and my hometown terribly, but matured quickly as my husband and I did all sorts of grown-up things, like renting an apartment, shopping for groceries, finding new friends and socializing with them. Back then, my only contact with my own family was through snail mail and phone calls, plus a once-a-year visit. They finally figured out I would be okay on my own with my new spouse, and my life was busy enough and filled with new experiences so that I was no longer homesick.

    Now, we have the Internet -- email, messaging, Skyping, texting, and additional ways to stay in touch.

    The lesson is, don't be afraid to be an adult and have new experiences. Your family will eventually understand and cheer you on -- and still love you and even admire you for being willing and able to strike out on your own.

    Now, reread tal's excellent response above mine.
    ma0641's Avatar
    ma0641 Posts: 15,681, Reputation: 1012
    Uber Member

    Dec 22, 2018, 05:11 PM
    In 2014 you wrote about your insecurities about moving and taking your cat. 4 years later... When you are 36 you may be asking the same questions unless you GIRL UP! You're 26, not 16. I have a 68 YO customer who calls herself the "always wondering spinster". She admits she had plenty of suitors and men who wanted to marry her but she was never sure about the "what if..., can I do this....., am I sure....?". So now she is a lonely women who has no parents, no living siblings and is basically a shut in with her CAT. You have 42 years left to do better.

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