Hi I am 30 year old woman. Does anyone here think it is normal for a father not to be there emotionally/psychologically for their daughter? Before my mother died a few years ago my father never had much time for me. When he did he usually used this time to put me down by calling me a waster and telling me that I wasn't intelligent. He never acknowledged any accomplishments and is still the same today. When I speak to him he either ignores me or talks over me. He rarely asks me how I am or shows any interest in my life. He turns on false interest in front of my step mum by asking me maybe one question about myself. It was a relief to leave home when I was 18 as I knew this situation was not healthy. Strangely this behaviour towards me continues no matter what I have achieved in my life. I have tried every angle in trying to understand him. There has been many times I wanted to write him out of my life but didn't because my brother told me it would upset him too much. Also when my mother was dying (from a short illness) she asked me to look after him when she was gone. I gave him a lot of emotional support when she died. My dad used to bad mouth me to my family and play siblings off one another. He also tried to drive a wedge between me and my mother. I was close to my mother as were my two brothers. I never liked my father when I was a child and I still feel the same way now. Problem is I have been playing happy families since my mum died just to please everyone else but myself. I know I am a good person, I work, I have a lot of friends. My mother was quite dominated by my father and she used to get upset when my dad was nasty to me. I know I am rambling but this situation is complicated. My father has a Jekyl and Hyde personality. Many times he is insulting to me, usually when I am on my own with him. Sometimes in front of other people. I don't know why I am putting myself through this. In recent years I put boundaries down and he would make a feeble excuse or half hearted apology. Why does he still put me down? I know my father plays mind games with me. He knows what my believes are and what I care about. So why is it he will make a mockery of me? One small example I will give you was boxing day, christmas just past. I went round to deliver christmas presents for him and my step mum. Later on when we were sitting on our own he started to tell me my mother was a horrible person who couldn't get on with anyone. He preceded to tell me he didn't think one of my brothers was his son. Basically he tore my mother to shreads in every way possible. I know my mother was a good person and me and my three brothers loved her. When I asked me father to stop talking nastily he just talked over me. I told him it was upsetting me and he simply said "well if you can't handle the truth". Boxing day was my mother's birthday and is always a poignant time. My dad knows that I loved my mum. I never got any support of him when she died nor have I had the opportunity to talk about her to him. This story is really complicated. Sorry it is so long. Basically I have spoken to my dad since that night. I told him I was upset and he is refusing to apologise, stating that it was just my perception of events and that what I said was untrue. This is what my father does. He basically turns these situations around and tells me it is my thoughts. He contacted my brother to ask him what was wrong with me! This was before I got the chance to speak to him. Basically the day after boxing day I phoned him and said I needed to speak to him about something. Bare in mind I never fell out with him the night before. He said he was busy and to phone him back later. This is when he phones my brother! He did not realise that I spoke to my brother earlier to tell him what happened!! My brother was confused as to why my dad phoned him and not me! My dad pretended to brother on phone he did not know what the problem. I never said there was a problem! Obviously my brother told him I was upset because of the things he was saying. My brother was upset too. Guess what? My dad denied it and said I was trying to cause problems in the family!! Does anyone think this is normal behaviour? This is a very very mild example of him being horrible. When I was in my twenties I had a serious physical condition. I was on a lot of medication and I was seeing two doctors. My friends and my boyfriend(at the time) looked after me. My father brainwashed my immediate family(mother and two brothers) that I was making it up and that there was nothing wrong with me. At this time I couldn't live in my flat as I could not walk up or down the stairs. I lived with my friends. My father told my mother to make a choice between him and me. Despite the fact I had two doctors looking after me my father disowned me. My doctor could not believe the way I was being treated. My mother eventually came to the doctor to find out if it was true. The doctor confirmed I was seriously ill and that I needed a lot of support. Considering I could hardly walk, had lost a huge amount of weight and looked as if I was dying! This did not make any difference to my father except he told my mum not to give me any support of any kind. He also told the family the doctors were not really doctors! Seriously! I can't believe I am writing this guys. I feel I am writing a tragic story about someone else. Unfortunetely this is true. My dad has always been nasty and played games. Then starts to become charming then then the small insults start up again. Apart from his family everyone else thinks he is really nice! What do you guys think about this? Also to finish the story about my illness, I got better and moved away to live in a city! Great move! A couple of years ago when my father came over to visit me, (well he was actually only over on business with his new wife) I met up with them. He preceded to tell me that he was in contact with someone. He eventually told me who it was. It was one of the doctors who treated me when I was seriously ill. I asked him why he went to this doctor as he had never met them before. He started laughing and told me he wanted something checked out. He then went on to state she was a crap doctor and he doubted that she even was a doctor! This was in front of my stepmother who knew nothing about the real history behind this story. He then went on to slag her off stating that she was a weirdo and cannot practise medicine!! You can imagine how this made me feel, because he knew that I became really good friends with her and she knew what he was all about through me! This is just another small example what my father is like. For the record my oldest brother and his wife disowned my dad 6 years ago. Not long after that my dad's only sister and her husband disowed him too. My nana, (my mum's mum) didn't like him either. I was really close to her but she died last year. My father has created a lot of problems in the family. He has went to great lengths to discredit all these people who are not talking to him. He is very convincing and has it down to a fine art. This situation strangely has resulted in my having no contact with my oldest brother either. I miss my brother and I do not know where he lives. I know he has not fell out with me as he visited my nana a couple of years ago to explain why he wasn't in contact with any of his family. He stated it was because of things my dad done. He feels it is easier not to contact me or my other brother as he knew we were still in contact with him. My stepmother seems to be oblivous to all of this. I think she believes my father. I have fallen out with my father a couple of times in recent years. I have forgave him and let him back into my life, despite the way he is! Does anyone hear recognise this behaviour? This has had a huge affect on my health. It has also affected my confidence. My father has told me over the years and in recent times I am not smart, I can't talk to intelligent people, university is not for me as it is above me etc etc etc. Do you get the drift? The thing is all my professional jobs I have done and do today require the skills of someone who is good at communicating! Believe it or not it requires intelligence too! I counsel people and I have started university. Problem is despite getting this far, I have doubts about myself! I wonder why eh? Funnily enough none of this is recognised by my father! I am worried about my health as this has contributed towards me being depressed. I am depressed at present and I am trying to hold on to life. I want to finish my degree but I feel something is holding me back. I know I have capabilities and I have proven it to myself before. I worry that I am going to fall flat on my face with this depression. I'll tell you this I do not want to give my dad the satisfaction of saying "well i told you you were not intelligent". I gained the entry qualifications to get on to this course and I have other qualifications too. The course I am doing is one of the best and it is very hard to get on to. I guess that is an achievement! I'm sorry this letter is so long. This is only a small snap shot into the situation. I could write a book about it, seriously! The brother I am in contact with understands what I am going through.

There are no instruction on how to be a good parent. This means that there is no right or wrong way to be a parent.

However, I would advice you to accept your father as he is and not insist that he behave the way that you would like for him to behave. Parents are a lot more knowledged than you, in regards to the pending circumstances.

When I say pending circumstances I mean, he knows more about where you come from, your roots. Most times, you say exactlly what they want you to say or you do exactlly what they want you to do.

For example, there was a movie, The Five Heartbeats. In the movie the father was real hard on his son. When they talked, it seemed they argued all the time. While they were arguing, it was quite obvious the son became more determined to be successful. The mother saked the father, why do you have to be so hard on him? The father replied, I only want him to be a better man than I was. This is the reaction I believe they try to get across.

Now for you, you can not use the support of your father, then turn your back on him. This is a back stabber - some you help to buy a knife, they buy the knife, and stab you in the back.

Not fair, is it? Well, that's how it is when someone do all that they can to raise you up, supply food and clothes, and nuture your well-being, but all you do is tell them how ridiculous of a person they are.

I guess they are a ridiculous person to raise a daughter like you. You don't know how to work together; but you do know how to want someone to work with you.

Everything in life is not going to go your way, young lady. And everyone is not going to tell you how fabulous you are.

That is the REAL world. No one is going to pat you on the back and tell you how much of a good job you are doing. Yes, it does feel good, but you have to pat your-own-self on the back.

So, don't be a hypocrite who say their prayers openly or in public so that men can glorify them; that is their reward. Say them in private or in your closet so that God can see your good works and reward you openly.

Hope this answers your question!

My god, woman, your father is an emotional sadist. No wonder you're depressed and have doubts about yourself. Living all your life in the shadow and under the thumb of a person as sick as he is is bound to have a huge effect. I'm amazed that you're still functional at all.

You need to take drastic measures to protect and insulate yourself from his corrosive influence, much like your older brother did. Now that your mum is gone, it should be easier to detach from him. I know how hard it must be to give up on being understood and loved by him, but I don't think he's capable of it, and his perverse need to tear you down is devastating to you so you really need to get out of range. It may help to think of it as loving him from a distance. He's absolutely toxic and I think it's time you gave up all efforts to change him, improve him, or make him understand you. Your sanity, self respect and maybe even survival depends on it.

Try to get back in contact with your older brother. He will surely understand what you're up against and be willing to support and help you. Also, discuss it with your younger brother to see what his take is on it and whether he might also be ready to cut off contact. If the three of you can support each other and help each other through the transition, it would be good.

I hope you are going to do something about your depression - by that I mean seeing your doctor and explaining yourself. Depression is a very real condition that can rob you of your emotional well being, your perception of the world, your energy and physical strength. You feel like an engine on an uphill track without ever getting to the top. Exhausted in all possible ways. So first, go and get a good check up. Get on the road to some well being.

Second, if you are not seeing some neutral person to talk to - like a counselor, a minister, someone trustworthy who will listen and hold your confidentiality, then please go and do so ASAP. Someone who can listen to you without criticism, help you through all your thoughts and emotions and present some strategies so that you can have control over your life.

Third, do not try and change your Father. It cannot be done. Period. He is the only one respomsible for himself and his actions - not you, not your brothers, no one else. You have the right to disengage yourself from him and from anyone who does not hold you in high esteem. You also have the right to disengage yourself from people who do not have your best interests in their thoughts, words, and deeds.

Getting on with your life is your task. Do not allow history to keep repeating. Likely you will marry someone like your Father who will treat you just as your Father treated your Mother. That is history repeating itself - the cycle of emotional abuse. You have to decide not to take it anymore and learn how to avoid being a victim in ANY other relationship.

You can be assertive but you need to learn healthy assertiveness. There was a book written in 1970, with many reprints and still great reading today. The book is called, "Your Perfect Right" by Robert E Alberti, PhD and Michael L. Emmons, PhD. A library should have it. You might gain some insight if you read it.

Remember that you do not owe your Father your life. He deserves respect as any other parent but do you not owe him every minute and every action of your day. That being said, your Father does not owe you his life. He should be resepctful, yes. He should be loving, yes. But since that is not likely to happen, do not agonize over it. Don't beat yourself up for what he does not emotionally give you. Remember that you did not cause him to act this way, you are not the reason he is the way he is. He is his own reason, whatever that is. Who knows how he was raised or what his had to deal with in life. Still, that is not your responsibility.

Cleaning up after people, trying to fix things, trying to be the placater and the peacekeeper is not love. It is enabling behavior. Often people with passive aggressive natures does this and they do it very well. It is not easy to overcome but you will be much happier, healthier, and enjoy your life much fuller when you can start dealing with all the issues you stated.

Best of all to you.

Sounds like you could be my sister. I had a similar father who everybody would say was a great guy but behind closed doors was an a-hole. It always amazed me that he was so concerned with what people thought about him outside of our family but didn't seem to mind being a complete jerk with us. As an adult my father and I have pretty much quit talking to one another and he has told my sister flat out lies about me. When I've confronted him on some of this BS he always throws in another family member in between us so he won't have to take the heat.

The ironic thing was my grandma (his mother) never really talked much. She was always very quiet around us and truthfully even though she only died 4 years ago I can't remember anything she ever said to me. Well I came to find out after she died that she used to tell her 4 kids that they were useless and that they weren't wanted as part of the family. In a million years I would never have guessed this because she was so quiet but it helped explain a lot about my dad's behavior and his own jeckel and hyde syndrom. I can only imagine you dad may have gone through something similar by one or both your grand parents.

Amelia, I can't imagine a father treating his daughter the way you have been treated, but I feel your pain and its only natural to look to the him for approval and understanding and support. I think all daughters do. But he is not capable and that's so sad. But you must realise that if he is not there for you you must really back away from him and let him go about his business without you in his life, and that is so sad also as I have a daughter your age and can not imagine her and I not having a very close relationship. Unfortunately you must try to move on and realise he cannot give you what you need and you should not let him put you down. You have gotten some excellent thoughts so far on dealing with your health problems and seeking the counsel of trusted people to help guide you through what has to be a hard time in your life. Please try not to hate him just understand he does not have the skills or emotional capability to realise how important his support is to you now. Leave him alone and be well and healthy and all you can be on your own. Good luck.