Help with a difficult Daughter-in-law relationship

I have four daughter-in-laws and I love them all dearly. I get along very well with all of them but one. She frequently calls my husband and I up to her home to tell us all the things we are doing wrong. We apologize and try hard to not do those things again (her examples are things like offering their little boy water without asking, talking to our son about his job---my son is a teacher and so am I so we have things in common and he has questions he wants to ask, offering to help or to tend our grandson---she tells us she will let us know if she wants our help and not to ask. We both try hard not to repeat these mistakes and then she will call us up and go over the very same things again. It is very hard because we don't get to have a relationship with her, our grandson, or our son. What should we do?

Set your foot down. Her demands are ridiculous. She can't control how you live.

When she calls and wants you to come up, reply with something like, "Just write us a list of things you don't want us to do and we will get it later".
You shouldn't have to walk on eggshells to appease her.
What does your son and husband say about her behavior?

Your son (her husband) is the one who has to stand up to her. How does she treat him? Does he get doses of this too? If not, he may at least get an earful when you're not around. How is he handling all this? Does he laugh, run and hide, get busy with something in another room, get angry?

You sound like a kind and reasonable person. Your sarcasm or smart-aleck comments will not help the situation. You will alienate him in the process, and even turn your grandchild against you because "Gramma and Mom fight all the time."

I'm guessing there's something in her background or earlier relationships that's causing her to act this way. Her making you out to be the "bad one" somehow helps her to feel like she's the "good one." Depending on how you handle this, you could be the best thing that's ever come along in her life. Something's bothering her or scaring her. Of course, don't tell her or your son that, but think about it and brainstorm with us here.

Well, one grandparent to another, you and I both know those first two suggestions will just get you into a bad situation, won't it?

This woman has control over your access to your grandchildren, so to be pragmatic here, you're only path (without some intervention on your husband's part) is to obey her wishes. Within reason.

On the other hand, you could just become REALLY good at apologizing to her for all the mistakes you make. I'm not sure I would honor her every wish, but I would go out of my way to make it appear I want to... even if I have no intention of it.

Talk to your son about anything you want, and if she hassles you, just apologize. "I'm sorry, dear, but he asked me and you know how rude it is to ignore someone." Then talk about anything you want with him again.

You will need to defer to her wishes regarding the children's food, that's a battle you can afford to lose, right?

If you offer help, offer it to the son, not her. She doesn't need any help and for some reason finds your offers offensive. That is her problem, but you need to eliminate your offers to her, or at least hide them. "We've gotten new matching bowling shoes for all the kids, should we give them to you to give the kids, or no?"

Instead of seeming to offer her help, find some way to couch it so that she is actually doing YOU a favor by letting you do it. "I had the most fun ever baking cookies for the PTA when the kids were younger, please let me know if I can ever do it for the grandkids, I really miss it!"

Family communication is a skill. I have a feeling she has little power in her life and finds this refreshing to stand up to you and lecture you. I would suggest you tolerate it and chuckle it off as much as you can. And then do what you want to do anyway, but just be smart about it.

And when she catches you, apologize. Sincerely. Truly and sincerely. Hehe.

I didn't mean for her to say it with sarcasm or anything but in a decent tone to take more as I am too busy to drop everything right now. Not that I am not interested in what you have to say but having a written list I have something to reflect back on your requests.

So pretending to be someone you're not and then going behind her back? Yeah that's going to make her happy.

I just believe that a straight approach would be more successful, I guess my first answer was a little cut and dry, but it involved more I feel that you controlling this is...

It kind of sounds like she might be bi-polor (bad spelling)

What makes you think she could be bipolar?

Sounds more like a control freak

Always wanting everything done her way and no happy with anything, even when people are trying to help her out, she sounds kind of similar to a friend of mine who is bipolar

People GET to be control freaks about their own homes and family. It's one of the few places it actually makes sense, even if the rest of us don't like it. In the end, she's responsible for her family and feels that responsibility very deeply.

Controlling? Yes. Bi-polar? Maybe. But in the meantime she is in charge of access to the grandkids. She has to be dealt with, and like it or not she may get to control the terms.

It is what it is.

Those aren't characteristics only of bipolar illness. This dil's thing is all about control, which could also fit in with ADD, OCD, schizophrenia, an anxiety disorder, ACOA, alcoholism, or just being human and trying to cope with what seems to her to be a bad situation.

Yeah bi polar is more to do with mood swings and temper.
I was thinking like OCD or perfectionist that has to be in control of everything around them or they feel they are losing control if they aren't.