I need some advice. I have a granddaugher that lives in another state with her mother. My son (the father) is married and lives about 45 minutes from me. He was never married to his daughter's mother, and has never paid child support, but his daughter visits him every christmas and during the summer. My son's wife has 2 children from her first marriage, has joint custody with their father, but he does not pay any child support, so therefore my son supports her and her children (she does not work). My granddaugher gets to come down for the summer every year (she will be 7) and has been here for christmas the last two years. I usually get to see her maybe 4-6 days while she is here, and maybe 2 days by herself because of the other children. Any clothes, toys, etc. that she receives while here has to be left at her daddy's house (stepmom's rule). If she gets winter clothes at christmas, she will send them home the following christmas and by then she has outgrowed them. The same is true for the summer, if she gets new clothes, they stay at her house until the next year, then they are send home (and my granddaugher can't wear them). My daugher-inlaw and son has not stepped foot in my home in a year. And I never get to see her children except when my granddaugher is here. They do not make an effort to celebrate holidays with us, it is always with her family or my son's father and his family.

My one weekend alone last year ended in the huge fight because I took my granddaugher to get her picture made, and she gave her daddy something for father's day.

I am planning to take my granddaughter to walt disney world in may, but my daugher-in-law is very upset because I am not including her 2 children. She and my son are saying I am totally wrong by just carrying one and not the other two. I have ok'd this trip with my granddaugher's mother and feel my son and his wife have not right to dictate to me whether I can take my granddaugher on a trip or not. If my son supported his child, and if his wife would make me feel part of the family, I might would do different. Am I totally offbase and wrong to do something special for my granddaughter?

You are not off-base at all. The 2 other children are not your grandchildren. Your son and DIL don't make an effort to have them in your life - so they are just looking for a free trip to disney world.
As far as clothes and such - that is ridiculous. Who is getting the use of the clothes? That makes no sense to me at all.
If I were you, I would ship the gifts directly to the mother. Why is no child support being paid?
I would go on with your plans and not feel guilty.

I agree completely with NowWhat - great advice. Help your grand-daughter and her mother as much as you are able. It's really rough being a single parent, and without the other parent contributing financially, it's quite hard to make ends meet even for educated, working parents. Send gifts to her at her home, or if you want to see her open them, give them to her at your home and ship them to her mother immediately. Do not even tell your son that you've given the gift - none of his business anyway.

As for the trip, you are not obligated to take the other children. They are not your grandchildren legally or biologically and while you should treat them well, they have their own grandparents and apparently your son's support - that should go to his own daughter - is going to them.

I have no objection at all - in fact I have admiration - when a man or woman helps support and raise the children of their spouse from previous relationships. I just think it stinks when they do that but do not support their own children - it adds insult to the original injury. Nothing you can do will make up for your son's behavior, but your efforts to be kind and helpful and supportive and loving to her and her mother will certainly take some of the sting out of it and make your grandaughter feel that while her dad is a dud, her dad's family is loving.

I applaude you for taking matters into your own hands and showing your grandaughter that you love her and that you are making every effort to be part of her life. It sounds like your son and daughter in law are immature and have a lot of growing up to do. Maybe you can start asking for your own visitation with your granddaughter through the mother. You can go to court and have the papers drawn up, and your son will not be able to do anything about it. I suggest all clothing, toys etc you purchase, you mail to her mother so that she can have them throughout the year. Do not send those gifts to her fathers house. Good luck!

I think it is wonderful that you are trying to make time for your granddaughter. I think it's great that you and her mom can talk to each other and make arrangements like you have. I think your son needs to take care of his own kid and expect his wife to at least attempt to care for her own kids. She should have sued for support and should work if she can.

As far as taking your granddaughter to disney, GOOD FOR YOU! It will be a terrific trip and she is at just the right age to blend the fun with the fantasy. You most certainly are doing nothing wrong by not including your DIL kids. This is a special time to be spent with your only granddaughter, whom you rarely get to see.

As far as Christmas stuff, let your granddaughter open the things from you and then send it to her mom's yourself. You want her to get use out of her toys and clothes, right? I never understood people who were like that. It sounds to me like your DIL is incredibly jealous that she wasn't the "first" woman in your son's life. She sounds controlling and childish. She certainly isn't able to think about what is best for her husband's daughter. You go Grandma! Someone needs to put that poor little girl first!

Thanks for all the support!! My son and DIL are now threatening that I will not be allowed at their house anymore nor will my granddaughter be allowed at mine if I got through with this trip. I've really never been welcome at their house. I was told "you better enjoy the trip".

So I plan to enjoy my trip and will deal with them later!! One day, my son will need me. He always does!!

I would just tell him, do not make threats that you are not going to be able to follow through with. And make plans to get your granddaughter with the mother.

Wow - I have been in almost the same situation in the past. I'm surprised that no one pays any child support -- the state I live in requires that the name of new employees be listed with a database that directly reports on a federal level, and will garnish wages if need be. So I must say your son is very lucky in that respect. I live in Atlanta and my grandson (whom I raised until he was 3--my son was overseas in the Marine Corp and his wife was bi-polar in Arizona) was given back to his Mom at that time, even though he had no remembrance of her, and she was the one that always asked me to come and get him, bring him back to Atlanta so that he would be safe. He is now 15 and lives with my son here since he was 10, and has not seen his Mom since then. She is not interested, and I guess that is because of her disease. So, I can speak to you with knowledge. I always had my grandson for summers and some holidays, my son came to stay with us during that time. Your son has NO business telling you what you can do in regard to your grandaughter. He does not support her, he does not include you in HOLIDAYS! AND you has not been to your house in 1 year? He has not stepped up to the plate to support her, and her mother must be a saint to let her come for summers and holidays. Cultivate your relationship with the girl's mother, and enjoy her. She will grow up so fast, and she needs to know that she is loved by you. Is this your only grandchild? I would explain in no uncertain terms to your son that this is a relationship that has nothing to do with him, his wife, or her two children. I would also tell him you would love to shower those two kids with food, a present, etc. on Christmas or Thanksgiving. They should lerarn to SHARE holidays, and invite her family to come also, if she needs to be with them EVERY holiday. Sorry to be so blunt, but I know how you can become to confused... thinking that maybe you are nuts. NO SO. You are absolutely right.
Jane B

Since your son never married your granddaughter's mother, I don't believe he has any custody rights. (Unless he has sought them, which it doesn't sound like he has.) Her mother allows her to visit, but it is not court ordered, correct? If yes, make nice with the mom and see if she can come visit you solely and bypass your son and his wife completely.

Don't blame this all on your daughter-in-law. Your son is allowing her to be this controlling and demanding. She sounds like a real piece of work, you are better off without her in your life.

Call their bluff. Like you said, they'll be calling you wanting something before long.

Enjoy the trip. Arrange the visits through the child's mother. Your son doesn't take any responsibility for her, so he likely doesn't have the right to interfere in what you do.

I think not being allowed to visit your son and his wife is blessing. Who would want to? They sound very controlling and selfish, and this is really about greed - for some reason they think you owe her children a trip to Disney and, of course, the other shoe would certainly drop if you relented - your son and his wife would expect you to include them, too!

What a joke.

Just got back from my trip. Had a great time. To update everyone, i got a really nasty email from my dil, she let me know i was a miserable, hateful, mean person who hated children and i would not be allowed to see her or her children again.

Now i am planning to get a lawyer to set up some type of visitation & legal rights to be able to check on my granddaughter while she is staying at her dad's.

I thought it was really odd that they are so concerned about the children, but they never once called to check on my granddaughter to see if her flight made it ok to florida, or just to talk to her on her birthday.

I really get depressed and know i have a battle ahead of me, but her mother has assured me that i will continue to see my granddaugher.

I just read your post. Good job . Wonderful to see women sticking up for their children. It is great that you have the integerity to let your child know that he is wrong. Without blame his current wife and child's mother for his attitude. May peace be with you during this battle.

From what you have written, it sounds like your Granddaughter really has it rough!

A child given a gift and then not being able to take it back home with her is EMTIONAL ABUSE in my book and I think any Judge would see that the father and the step-mother are using this little girl for some reason.
I think they are playing a game, keep visits with the child and convince the mother that they can't afford to pay child support so she will not take them to court. I really do not think the father nor the step-mother really care for this child at all. And that put's the child in DANGER to even more EMOTIONAL ABUSE in the future!

You should talk to her mother about this. These matters should be taken up with a Judge, this is a TYPE of CHILD ABUSE! And I really think the courts would agree that it is.
The Mother should go file something or call Child Protective Services. And you need to ask the mother, and court's to protect your rights to see your Grandchild without the Father's or Step-Mother interference.
This child should never have to go back into her father's home again if this is how he is going to allow other's to treat his child.

And your right, you don't have to take the other two children on vacations, they have there own Grandparent's to do that. I mean, if they were going to Disney WORLD would they take your Granddaughter too?
See what I mean?
So, why should you have to take there grandchildren? They would never take yours!

You've got a mass on your hands and I wish that I could give you the right answer's and advice that you need. The best thing I can say is this, " Follow your heart, and do what you think is right, and protect your Grandchild, she need's you to show your love everyday you have left on this earth."

Good Luck and God bless,I will keep you and your family in my Prayers.

I feel this is emotional abuse also and my DIL will make sure she teaches my granddaughter hate towards me, just as she has with her own daughter. I have heard and read about families with this type problem, but never thought it would happen to me. The last hate mail I got from my DIL stated she would send me pics of the kids so I would see what I was missing. She has sent me 6 emails in the last week of her son. This is more than I have heard from her in the past year!! Does she really think this is hurting me? I mean nothing to her two children.


My granddaugher has not come down yet, so I do plan to have some type of legal papers in place before she gets here. I hate to do this to my son, but I can't let them take away my right to see my granddaughter, she is all that matters to me.

You have just got to stay strong. Keep what is important in perspective - your granddaughter.
Your son should see how lucky he and his daughter are. For one, he doesn't pay child support, but yet is still allowed to see his child. He has a mom that is willing to do things with his child that he either doesn't want to do or can't do.

I would start keeping the emails and keep a journal of any conversations you have with them. You can never be to careful.
Good Luck!

Legal action sounds great. Your son needs a wake up call. His WIFE will never change; so the best thing for you to do is to secure some time with your grandaughter every year. You are very lucky that the mother will let you do this, and even trusts you enough to allow you to travel with her. My grandson is so close to me, and although he doesn't remember all the times I flew out to Arizona the first three years of his life to "save him", he knows that we have been there for him no matter what always. He is now 16. I always made an effort to get him for summers, and for Christmas. I made friends with his Mother,even though she was divorced from my son (who was in the Marine Corp) and it paid off in the end. Make sure she feels she can always trust you. What a good grandma you are! Keep up the good work; and in some way, I am sure that you son knows deep down inside, you are doing the right thing. By the way, you DIL must be NUTS, and I feel sorry for her kids, and even her whole family. Don't think you are the only problem she has with relationships.

Jane B

I think you are doing the right thing. It sounds as if you are the only family she has besides her mom who cares about what is best for her. Your son is being controlled and manipulated by a woman who sounds selfish and childish at best. I encourage you to keep fostering your relationship with your granddaughter and keep in touch with her mother. I am glad you and your son's ex are on the same page. Her testimony in court on your behalf might go a long way if there comes a trial. Best of luck to you, and I hope you and your granddaughter enjoy a wonderful visit together.

You saved this email too, right? This woman sounds nuts.
In regard to child support, why is your grand-daughter's mother not receiving it? At least in my state, if you are the father, then you pay child support, whether you were ever married to the mother. For the sake of your grandchild, you should suggest to the child's mother to file for child support. It sounds like you have a true friendship with your granddaughter's mother (NOT the DIL). She sounds like a remarkable woman, very much like you. The both of you should be commended on the way that you have handling things. It is because of women like the two of you that I am proud to be one myself. Bravo, bravo!!

Yes, I have saved all emails. Got one yesterday asking everyone to please refrain from sending emails due to they (my son & DIL, plus I assume her two children) will be out of town until Thurs or Fri. Talked with my GD and her mother, was told my GD would be coming in July. I wonder why she was not included in this '"FAMILY" vacation!! Yes, my DIL is nuts!! And my son apparently is also.

Just updating my situatuation. My granddaughter moved in with her father and stepmom middle of July. Supposedly my son called, apologized, and they were willing to call the slate clean and he begged me to attend the "birthday party". My parents and I attended, was treated like 2nd class citizens, my daughter in law and her mother never spoke to us. My DIL' oldest child, would turn her back to me if I attempted to say anything to her. My granddaughter talked to us briefly 4 or 5 times.

In August, I called my son, to see when I might get to visit with my granddaugher, he was very brunt, smartass like on the phone and the conversation ended as usual in a disagreement. So we are back to square one. My parents went by their home to drop off some stuff I bought for ALL the kids, and when they mentioned my name, they were screamed at and told to leave their house and not to return, or they would call the law.

My husband and I decided to completely back out of their lives and hope my granddaughter would decide to go back to her mothers at Christmas this year. My parents decided to try one more time to speak with my son (their grandson) yesterday at his work, but he lost control again, saying every thing is my fault because of the trip to disney, and demanded that they leave. He even said it was my fault that they had to borrow money to take a family vacation with the other two kids, since I didn't take them to Disney. They told him that the child was not living with them at that time, so it should not have mattered, since her children were allowed to go and do with their grandparents.

It really hurts to have my only son treat us this way and I don't know how to make him see it is his wife that has completely alienated me and my family from them so she and her mother can have complete control. He is too stupid to see he is working himself to death while she lies up all day long doing nothing but watching TV, and surfing the internet.

My husband and I have decided we are going to proceed with an attorney to try to get visitation rights. We decided all we can lose is money. If we win, we get to see my sweet granddaughter. This will be my son and DIL's Christmas present this year. I hope they enjoy it!!