It has been awhile since I have asked for help. Here is the problem: Since our granddaughter was born, she is now 13 months old, we have not been allowed to see her for more than an hour at a time and only about once a month or every six weeks. We live in the same town as my son, so it is not like they have to travel to see us. Here is how it has gone: we were told not to come to the hospital until later after they were admitted (we were the only ones told this), we were told not to come by their house the day they came home from the hospital (again only us), we were not allowed to see her or my son on mothers day last year or this year, (last year he wasn't allowed to call but this year he did), we did not see her on halloween (only us again), not for christmas (only us), not for valentines, we did get to see her on easter but they waited until all our family had left the house, not on her first birthday ( I will come back to that), and today she refused to come to my mothers for memorial day and threw a fit because my son was going to come with out her.
For her first birthday we were invited to her party, which was not on her actual birthday, but we could not come by their house to see her on her day. We did , however, have to follow the rules set forth by our DIL for the party - no holding the baby, come on time not early, no helping with the set up, and finally take only 10 pictures. Our granddaughter has 4 sets of grandparents - DIL's mother and her husband, DIL's father and girlfriend, my ex-husband and his wife and then myself and my husband. When I say we were the only ones told this, I am saying the other 3 sets of grandparents are allowed to be around the granddaughter it is just us not being allowed. The DIL will have nothing to do with my family, my daughter (my sons real sister) has only seen the baby twice! My mother has only seen the baby 3 times. See refuses to be around any of us. I know you all will be thinking what have we done. Well I can say this my husband and I and my sister and her husband paid for a large portion of their wedding, we have helped them a lot before the baby was born but just as soon as the baby was born this all started. I am worried about my son and my grandaughter. He has to fight constantly to let me see the baby. That cannot be heathly for him or the baby. Any suggestions will be helpful. I have tried staying away, not calling so forth. But to be honest I am very concerned for my son. He works 7 days a week third shift and I like to check on him to make sure he doing OK so when I am calling (maybe 2 times a week) it is primarily to ask how he is and does he need anything. He is the only one working, he had been without a job from Nov to mar and he is trying to catch up on bills (he had build her a new house and bought her a new car before he lost his job).

Have you talked to your son about this? If so, what is his response? It sounds so bizarre that this behavior started as soon as the baby was born.

Talk to your son, he has to put his foot donw at some point

We have talked to my son and his father has talked to him about her behavior. He knows it is strange but does not know how to make her get help. He feels totally caught in the middle. It breaks my heart.

Your son is the only one who can foster improvement. I'm sure your frequent use in the story above of "let him, let him, let him" to imply he isn't in control of his life is biased. It seems that way to you, but he's a man and he is CHOOSING to defer to her wishes.

That is his right. The fact that you don't like the controlling way she allows your interaction with your grandson is understandable, and mostly irrelevant.

You can express you desire for more access to the son, the other inlaws, to the rest of the family, and in the end, the MOTHER will still have all the say based on the dynamic of their household.

It's not fair, it's not reasonable, it actually COSTS her and her children (she doesn't see that yet), and also... it is reality.

Accept what you can get with a cheerful heart. The rest is up to your son.

Have you ever tried to reach out to her? Maybe invite her to lunch or have a girls day? Maybe if you can open that line of communication - you will be able to figure out what is going on. Or express your desire to feel more like a part of the family.

Yes I have invited her to lunch but since the baby has been born she has not, not one time, answered my phone calls. So I have text messaged her invitations. She always is busy or the baby is napping. I know my son will have to be the one to stop the problem but as of now I am missing my grandchild and my son. Thank you all for the help.

This situation really stinks! Maybe you should ask both your son and your DIL out to dinner or over for dinner.
Almost press this issue of getting together. I know it would be much easier if they came to you to make a mends, but it doesn't seem like that is going to happen.
Family, as you know, is so important. Sometimes we have to fight for what we want and I think you should do that now. Once you have found out the problem, you can go forward with fixing it.

If your attempts to get a face to face does not work - write your DIL a letter expressing your concerns and your need to repair the rift between the two of you.
Maybe you will get some where with her.

I was going to say that the dil had a problem with you guys and didn't want you around the kids. Not because of a problem she had, but because she has a problem with you guys. Then I read the 10 photo thing. Even if you guys were awful people, why does the number of pictures matter.

If anything, the son should recommend counseling to the girl because she loves her. I was in a similar situation, so I know it is tough. But you have to do it out of love and see the person finally get help.

Everyone is right, it's not your place to say anything. It has to come from your son, only he can get his wife to get help and hopefully allow you to see the child. If you step in, it may only push you farther away.

OMG! Does this subject hit home. I am the mother to two wonderful sons and have two DIL's that we love dearly. We are expecting our 1st grandchild and since one of our DIL's has already shown differences and disrepect for us, I do not see that changing with the birth of a child. I have talked with my son to let him know how hurtful it is. I have set up numerous family gatherings every year for 3 years with her parents/family. We have never been invited to her parents home once. So the conclusion to all this is, no matter how much you do or love them you are not going to change their immature attitude or their feeling of control over the preceived threat to your son because you love him. The common thread to all this is your son's inability to recognize the disparities that are occurring and stand up to their wives and not accept the abuses/disrepects showered on his family. Until then nothing is going to change. The saving grace is all this is that you do not have to accept that behavior. No one has the right to disrepect/abuse you if you don't allow it. You can stop the merry-go-round. As for my sons father and I, since we are both retired and unable to physically and financilly continue the many family cook-outs we are going to continue our lives in other ways and give our love to those who accept and cherish it.