My two daughters are now, 19 and 26. The eldest and I have major issues. I was a child when she was born. A teenage mother who had no idea or finances to care for her. I had to take welfare. A stupid teenage mistake brought me this beautiful baby and I had her, regardless of how hard it would be. My
mother stepped in and helped me out, but she went beyond that. She was a very controlling woman, who had her own two sons taken by LA county and so to make up for it, she took my daughter. One day, I arrived home, and CPS was there and she had told them I was incapable of caring for her, suffered depression and didn't know how. I explained to the social worker that I was young, and
sad from not having a job yet, but that I loved my daughter. At that point, my mother used that as a reason to overtake my child. Having lived with me because she didn't have money for her own place, at that time, she came in handy with her baby help. I was young and stupid and I really made a mistake letting her take over, because she fell in love with the baby and ended up taking complete and total control of her. Having moved downstairs at one point on my own (leaving her my apartment), she kept a crib upstairs and I'd have to call and ask for my child. When she would allow me to come up to get her (on occasion), she would call me and ruin the entire visit and demanded her back for every reason under the sun, before I got to enjoy her company.

Years went by. I didn't stand up to my mother. I figured I had failed my child and she already showed signs of resentment... when I'd go to pick her up, she'd run to her nanny and ask if it was okay. She always acted like I was going to hurt her (which brought back memories of me as a child going to hug my father, and my mother's words echoing in my mind... "He's dangerous, be careful...he beat his other
children") and I know what she said to her. Well, at 5 years old, I made a huge stand. I tried taking my daughter back. I kept her, against my mother's wishes and told her, look... this is my child. I appreciate everything you did for her and for me but she is MY child and my mother made such a fuss... she would come and retrieve her for an hour, saying it was a visit, and then there was every single excuse under the sun not to bring her back. Days would go by... weeks... finally, I'd get someone to take me over here to get her (I had no vehicle. I was very poor because I lived in the real ghetto and it's all I could afford). When I'd show up, she'd be "sleeping" or "sick" or I couldn't take her that day... try again soon. Weeks would go by and I'd find myself getting her much more often because I really put an effort out... maybe 10 days a month, and as it proceeded, I just got sick of it. Finally, I moved out of
town with my child and my other daughter, then 2, and went up to {location removed} to live. I figured the distance would give my eldest daughter time to bond again with me and we'd be close like we were when she was little. But, she beat on her little sister, and she always pushed me away. She held me in resentment for not being there, yet when I was, she didn't want me. She confided later, as an adult, that my mother was HER mother and that she felt that my taking her home was cruel. She didn't want to be with me.

Well, I hoped all that would pass, and I lessened the time with her grandmother. Our relationship became very strained (mother's and mine) and I almost hated her at times for her manipulative control over me and my child. She would call CPS on me monthly. They were always at my house. After 13 years of CPS showing up, we finally threatened the county with a lawsuit. Not once, in 40 something visits, had they found anything wrong with me or my mothering. They had even gone to the extent of taking my children out of school and looking at their bodies for marks and questioning them. The head of CPS locally, apologized. She admitted that there was a continuous caller and when I said it had been my mother, and I knew it, she said that she could not tell me that. That it was sealed, however, if it was my mother, she would forever be barred from calling again. My daughter was 13 at that point... sister was 6 or 7. At that piont, with no basis for child abuse, the county closed our status (it took 13 years... meantime, I was terrified to answer my own door).

Finally, we had some peace, but the damage was extensive. Why didn't I just pack up and move? I know it sounds ludicrous, but if I had, my mother would have never spoken to me again and although she put me through living hell... part of why it kept going was she had an incredible hold on me and I
didn't know how to function without it. I was young. I was stupid. I made mistakes.

By 15, my daughter would scream at me and threaten me and we'd find ourselves in near-physical confrontations. I would threaten, scream, we'd almost go physical. It was awful. I called the Sheriff and he told me to put her on the ground. I did, and it just felt abusive to me, so I stopped, but not after trying it a few times and I think that really put us further apart.

At 16, she called that same sheriff, while I was at work and I came home to no daughter. She had packed her things and that sheriff took her to her grandmother's and she refused to come home. I gave up at that point and let her stay.

She was happy. My mother let her have a boyfriend who had no parents come live with them and move in (I was shocked) and she let her do anything she wanted. She gave her lavish things I couldn't give her and it didn't matter all the times I had tried to show her love or not. She had bonded with my mother, loved her more and there wasn't anything I could do about it. I had totally screwed up.

Well, she's 26 now. On my birthday, 2010, I turned 45. We went to the bar my daughter worked in (bartender) and she bought me drinks. I don't drink anymore (I did for a couple years.. the pain was a lot. I was burying it, but stopped when it became a habit), but we did some karoke and had fun and I thought things were good, but soon as she started to take me home, she started on me and screamed at me how horrible a mother I was and what a bad person I am, how lazy, manipulative, and disgusting
I was, all the way home.

We had lost my mother in July, six months prior, and it was devastating... but in a way, relieving. I was thinking maybe we could bond... I was hoping. Well, after over an hour of bantering me, telling me I failed, things you should never say to a mother... some true (I admit it, I screwed up but I was so young and so easily manipulated), and how I had let my ex husband be mean to her (I never saw it, but she says he was), and how I had failed her completely,

I finally told her that she had never been unwanted and I had always wanted to have her all to myself. She grimaced, with her teeth, looked at me and said, "I don't care what you wanted. I didn't want YOU", and at that point, I realized how much she's truly loathed me.

Well, after she said that, she took it back and said she was sorry and we needed to try to work out our relationship. She laid her head on my chest and I sobbed. I felt such hope. I thought, I will do anything I can to fix this! Anything.

She's always been on me about my house, and about my animals, and about several things she views as shortcomings by me, so I have been working very hard on those. My home is spotless. I got rid of my dog I loved so much for her (he lifted his leg on things, and she's right, he was not a good dog, but he was someone I loved, regardless) and I am lazy, it's true. I am really heavy. 400 lbs. I am in very very poor health and I have gone through 10 months of cancer screening, but when you are ill and depressed and heavy, it's hard not to be lazy. Well, she says I am and she is right. I could do more, so I have been trying.

This week, she was ultra cruel. During a conversation about picking her sister up (her sister lives with her and she uses her to control me, like my mother did... she controls her sister too and is very very hard on her about work and anything she can do to compare her sister to me. She views me as a complete failure and she tells her sister she is just like me that she has to change or she will be ruined like I am), during our conversation, I was trying to be nice and I invited her to the holiday dinners. I explained I've got a spotless home now, for you and I have got rid of my dog and I have wonderful plans how to make our holidays better, and she totally went off on me. She said holidays were always my thing and my other daughter's thing (my other daughter never saw a babysitter. I kept her and if my mom asked, I refused), and she said that she didn't give a F about the holidays and had no plans spending them with me. She said later, "My mother died in July. You are manipulative, a liar and lazy".

She has been really hard on me. So I sought out some help. This person told me that I have completely deluded myself. That my daughter has no intentions of ever changing her feelings toward me and she's just got me jumping through hoops to change myself and better myself for her so she can continue her punishment of me, for whatever she sees as my failures. I told her this and it ended on a bad note. I also told her, though, that the pain stops here and I can't stand this anymore. That I am discontinuing contact until she can talk to me like a human being.

I feel guilty. I am questioning my decision. I don't want this arguing and hate to continue. At my birthday, we both promised to try harder and I begged her forgiveness for anything she thought I did wrong as a mother... naming several things she had stated while screaming at me... and I named and asked for each one as forgiveness. I am not shucking the truth. I screwed up, I am sorry for it, it's time we go forward... but even though it was supposed to be the epiphony that changed our lives, and fixed it all, it hasn't. She's been harder on me than ever, the past 3 months.

I'm afraid my daughter will never try to contact me or doesn't want to and those horrible things, and my deliberately cutting her loose (which she already resents me for in the past) will cause her not to ever want to see me again. I'm afraid I made the wrong decision and totally ruined it now.

My mother's death anniversary was July 5. I have had so much loss. My father, mother, best friend, 2 sisters, ex, aunt I loved, and people in my life who meant SO much and all I have left, truly, is my family here. These two girls are everything.

I don't know what to do and I'm totally at a loss. I am all ears. Let me have it. If you want to tell me something about this situation, I will accept the truth and words at face value. No whitewashing it folks, please, give me some advice.

I find myself so depressed. I cry every single day. I cry when I'm supposed to be sleeping. I can't function. I don't bathe. I have truly considered suicide over this pain and although I am going to seek out some medication for depression, I honestly have NO idea what to do at this point.

I'm all ears. I will respect your opionions, negative or positive.

Thank you in advance.

{Mod Note-edited out double spacing for readability-<>}

I'm somewhat concerned by the double spacing. I trust this is a sincere post and not some "cut and paste" job that are sending everywhere. It sounds sincere but we've been burned before, here on AMHD.

My first question is why your younger daughter has left your home and moved in with your older daughter - ?

Where are the fathers and other relatives in this mess?

It sounds like your daughter blames you for everything that is wrong or not good in her life. Maybe she just needs someone to blame. Maybe she really means it.

However - my advice? Find someone to talk to. A professional, a friend, a relative, another adult, someone you can sit down with and go into all of this, someone who will listen and hopefully understand.

Similar situations have been posted and the advice has ranged from walking away for a while to writing a letter of "apology" to getting a third party to attempt to intervene. I don't know which of these will work for you. Parents have written letters which have been returned to them torn up - which is pretty hurtful!

I'm sure you realize suicide is not an answer. If you are depressed, certainly medication is the answer. You refer to drinking - is there a drinking problem in your past?

Can you talk to your younger daughter at all, reason with her?

I'm sure other people with advice will come on and try to help you - we all come from different places in life so the advice can vary widely.

(And if you are in the mood for half a smile I think you would have been better off keeping the dog and cutting the daughte loose - I hope you realize I'm just trying to lighten things up a little bit.)

Mother and daughter relationships can be very trying (at best) but it sounds like you've done all you can do to mend this one. The best thing you can do is improve your own self imagine, beat that cancer (!) and go on with your life.

Time does a wonderful job of healing wounds.

You will be in my thoughts.

I pasted it from notepad after I re-read it. This forum has a very small window. It's only posted here. Nowhere else.

I never had a drinking problem. She accuses me of that. For about a 2 month period, I drank wine at night. It relaxed me. I would drive to the store and get it. One night, I did something really stupid after drinking and realized it wasn't the answer. I could have become an alcoholic, because it made me feel very relieved. I didn't however.

I drink once every other year or so now. I have one or two.

My daughter will stand and tell everyone I was a drunk. She tells them I beat her and neglected her.

Neglect... perhaps. I screwed up. I wish I could turn back the clock.

Wow - are one of the most honest people I've ever seen post.

You already know this but every one of us has slipped and fallen. The difference is that some people pick themselves up and go on, as you have done.

My advice stays the same. I'm not sure you screwed up. You did the best you could at the time. No one would deliberately set out to destroy a relationship with her daughter. Neither did you.

I'm waiting for someone with a lot of knowledge to show up - and I just contacted her so she'll be here soon.

You can't get honest answers when you ask them with dishonesty. I can't see getting real help if I lie about anything.

Clarity - drinking. Off and on a couple years. Every couple nights for about 2 months. Stopped entirely after that 2 month run when I made a stupid mistake.

Oh, you'd be AMAZED what people make up and post. We all run around, trying to help, and then one day we look at each other and realize it's all been pretend.

What can I say. This is all very true and very real.

There isn't one person in this world who hasn't made mistakes. I have.

You were raised by a mother who actually took your daughter. I don't
Think you have come to grips with that. You feel guilty about your Mom.
Don't! From what I've read about her I wouldn't shed one tear, not one.

Not only did she deprive you of your daughter when you were too young to know better, she turned that child against you. Calling CPS on a whim and making your life a living hell.

It's up to your children now to do some soul searching and to say, "Mom I forgive you, I know why you didn't raise me''

You are worth something. Don't ever, ever think different. You have been told so many times by your Mother and your daughter that you're worthless, that you believe it. It's not true.

We are all here for a reason and I know some good will come out of this.
Wait and see if it don't. Hang on and know there are people who care.
Don't give up on yourself just because you think you haven't lived up to everyone's expectations. Join the Club.

Every day is a gift and when you wake up it's a new start. Set some goals for yourself and follow through. Don't let your daughter and her bitterness ruin anymore of your life.

You can charge and be who you want to be. If you pray and believe in God just tell him everything. Put it in his hands. We are here.:)

I do know how it feels when your mother takes over your role as a new parent. It is hard enough to adjust with all the sudden changes. I too felt totally out of place, 100% unsure of myself, and utterly lost in how to care for a newborn. It felt like I had made the worst possible decision to have a baby. And I had been married six years at the time. Trouble was, I'd be yelling at my husband to do things, and I didn't know what to do myself.

Then my mother moved in as she needed help with recovering from an amputation. She took over. The rocking, the feeding, pushing the carriage (she couldn't walk without support), feeding her. I got the other tasks, laundry, making up formula, bathing her, doing all the driving, everything. I realized that I never bonded with my own daughter, because I was afraid to speak up, and I never set any boundaries or expectations toward my mother.

But for me, this lasted only a year, and eventually, I was able to re-establish a bond with my daughter, but for you, having your mother take over the mothering role on a permanent basis, left you with only blanks to fill in, when you had her. However, It is easy to see and understand how difficult (if not impossible) it is to say 'no' to your own mother, especially with a baby, and particularly when you need the guidance and help the most.

I still think of those days from time to time, and I still carry some resentment.

But, like you, I cannot turn back the clock, and undo anything. Life unfolded the way it did, and the only real control you have now, is over yourself. Learning to let the past go is not easy, because it is the past that has resulted in where you and your daughters are today. But, if you don't let go now, this will swallow you whole.

You have done the right thing in deciding upon some distance. Not severing ties, but some distance. Think about what you really want, what you need to do to get down that list.

While the situation with your daughters is one thing, your health is another, and to me, from what you've described, that has to come first. Please go back to your Doctor, and tell him you are very depressed, and why. He/she should see this as a sign that your recovery could be compromised because being depressed and despondent will not help in your recovery. He should also be aware that you have little to no support system, and ask him (if he doesn't offer) how you can get help to get counselling. You may even wish to seek out assistance and information through the American Cancer Society as to groups within the organization, that help others with similar situations as yours.

In other words, try to deal with the depression first, in conjunction with your Doctor, and any available resource- just for yourself. No other goal than to be stronger, and better able to cope.

When you are feeling better, you may wish to attempt some sort of relationship with your daughters. My best advice to you is to set your own goals and expectations, and then tell them under which conditions you will see them. List it if you have to. Include no going backwards in time, no negative or accusatory comments, no threats, no anger directed at you, etc. Tell them that in time, if they think it is necessary, and you are well enough to, that you will consider therapy for the three of you. And there, and only there, will issues of the past be brought up and dealt with. The past has to be tucked into a box, and put in the basement. You cannot go forward with it, and expect that your own life will recover unscathed if you continue to allow them the use of hammers on you. It must stop now. No negotiating that.

My thinking is that balancing your needs, with their needs, and all of your needs to find a path, or forge a path that is healthier, isn't going to happen until you are first, strong on your own. To keep sliding back to that place of anguish, and never getting past the past, will not see you healthy in your future. And that future, only you can determine.

Work on letting the guilt go by expunging it. Get a notebook, and write it out as you have here, and then tuck it away. Topic by topic as it comes to you. Then, set it aside, because you have dealt with it for now, and carry on concentrating on you. You will feel better because you are dealing with it in a concrete way, instead of allowing it to consume you. Doing this will take time and patience, but, you will feel better.

Please don't give up. You have so much living to do, and there is every hope that you and your daughters can establish a respectful, meaningful relationship, instead of each encounter being another round in the boxing ring.

But, you have to start with yourself first. Being strong enough to define yourself and your role in a different way with your daughters will not happen while you are depressed and not strong enough to cope with them and their behaviour. Put yourself first for as long as it takes for you to be strong and independent of the past, and then, you decide how the future is going to be by setting boundaries and expectations.

It is never, ever too late to have a healthy relationship with your children, no matter how old they are. Just first things first.

I wonder about your children. I know you love them. This is about you.
Don't ever think of suicide, it's just a final solution for a temporary problem. I need to ask, are you an alcoholic? Do you have friends? Please remember how much you mean to someone. Get yourself together and I would bet when you do your family will come around. It may take a while, but you've waited a long time so while you wait see a doctor.

Get out and walk and see all the things you haven't seen in a while. Where there's life there's hope. You are worth something and you are going to prove to yourself you have enough guts to face it head on. Think about it.

You are the only one who has control f your life. Make it count. Make it happy and when you look in the mirror you can be proud of that woman looking back.

Kitkat22, you know, I've gone over that same question over and over, because I have suffered the accusations of it.

When I drank, it was every 3 or 4 months, I'd get really tipsy, over about a 2 year period. In the end, I decided to drink more often, for about 2 months... I liked it. It probably could have become alcoholism, but it was not. I have asked myself that 1000 times, at least, and asked a family friend of more than 20 years who knew me back then (she's very honest)... and I have never craved, wanted or had an issue with wanting it since I quit.

To walk, you have to be able to move. I'm too big to walk and I can't hold my weight, but I am trying. I walk up the block every week and I am going to increase that as my muscles build up. After I walk, it takes many days for the agony to cease in the joints. If I go back to a cane or a chair, I will not be able to strengthen my muscles. I am truly trying.

I do not have any friends. I have nobody. I am 100% isolated, which I probably caused myself, because I would rather be alone than ruin a friendship. It hurts too much to ruin things like that and every relationship I have had ends up ruined. I'd rather not have the hurt.

I say the same thing you say, to people in need... you are the only one who can make yourself happy or not, but it's a load of bull, when every time you take a step forward you have someone screaming to all your friends, relatives and relationships that you are crap. There is not any possibility that I can overlook it and not let it effect me. It hurts me to the bone.

I texted my daughter earlier. I told her I don't necessarily agree with the friend who told me I was deluded about our relationship, that I love her and I know that she loves me too. That I know that even though she's angry, we can get past it if we try harder not to allow our habit of fighting to win. We just need to learn not to fight.

I was hoping it would smooth it over. The response was, "I thought I made myself clear you were not to text me anymore".

I give up, but I want to thank everyone here for helping. I have read everything and I am going to take some of this advice and try to apply it. I look forward to anymore that comes across and I am grateful, don't think I'm not.

Thank you all for this, so far... I will try to respond periodically between new posts.

Stop putting yourself down. You can get help from organizations who will help you get yourself in shape medically and emotionally and physically. Pick up the phone and call them.

You know what I've learned through the years? People are going to talk'
They are going to say mean things and some people believe them whether
They are true or not. People don't have to die for you so don't let them live for you. Live for yourself.

See, Kitkat, I view your cold, ill-understood advice as mean.

You aren't trapped in my condition or my health issues and you have no idea how the Medi-Cal system in California works (or as it is... does NOT work). SIX weeks until the appointment for anti-depressants. Physically, I am getting help. I posted I have been undergoing cancer screening... I am seeing a physician.

You assume nobody is out here trying to help ourselves. The truth is, that's the same cold freaking attitude my daughter gives, only with a much more judgemental response.

I have met people like you my entire life. Their answer is to not let it bother me. But I am 45. It DOES bother me. I can't just not let what she says hurt. It simply does.

I knew this was a wrong move coming here. I wish I could delete this account. I unsubscribed, but it only unsubbed me from this thread. I want this taken down. I should never have tried to get help.

I'm very sorry I didn't know. Excuse my being so unaware. Keep psting and again please forgive my harsh words.

Once the OP turns passive/aggressive, I'm out of here.

Kit, you did NOTHING wrong. OP asked for from the heart advice and that's exactly what she got. Just like every other State, California has emergency resources. No one who is suicidal is asked to wait 6 weeks to see a Physician - there are mental health centers all over the place.

Don't stop answering; don't stop trying to help; don't let this get you down.

I asked you to respond because I value your advice. Always consider the source when ranting like this is posted.

Now do "we" all understand the problem with the daughters? I think I do.

When the OP thrives and feeds on being downtrodden, misunderstood, under privileged, suffering, there is little anyone can say or do - because that's how the OP pictures herself, that's the image she wants to portray.

Sorry I called you in but it's a learning experience.

I am in tears. I did not mean to say anything to offend her.

You didn't, Kit, you didn't. She CHOOSES to be offended - and it's a conscious choice. Another "good-bye forever" person who still is signed on.

Kit, you were there for me and you would be there for her.

Think of all the people who have been grateful and keep moving forward.

Thanks JudyKaye:)

I am not passive-aggressive and I did not attack KitKat, who has nicely turned this into her post.

I came here to seek an honest response to an honest issue. I am truly on the last leg without any way to seek help and I did go for mental health help and I did tell them I have suicidal ideation. I was given a six week appointment. That is not my fault.

I know you are defending your friend, but her post was coldhearted. In that post, it states two major things I see standing out.

#1 : Everything is my fault. I am solely and 100% responsible for everything and #2 : That I am in the condition I am in, because I didn't pick up a phone.

Those are very judgemental assumptions.

KitKat, I know you have a following here, and you say you are in tears. Do you have any idea what your post did to me? Remember me folks? I'm that woman over here who is having an emotional meltdown and came to a forum for support, who choked down her fears and posted her entire life's story on an open forum where the entire freaking world can read it, with 100% total and complete honesty and got shot down.

In a nutshell, whether that makes me passive-aggressive, or not, I asked for help. I asked for advice, not rudeness and there is always a nice way to deliver something.

Please, if someone wants to offer advice, whether you blame me or not, don't do it meanly. I can NOT handle anymore meanness from anyone... but I will read what you have to say.