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    hilde87's Avatar
    hilde87 Posts: 4, Reputation: 1
    New Member

    Nov 23, 2015, 02:13 PM
    My brother who has been my best friend since I was a kid, has ignored me the last 1,5 years. Only if I take initiative, do we speak. It started when I asked his wife, who is emotionally abusive, to talk to me in a healthy manner. She never responded. There was also an episode where I needed to stay at their house for one night, because I was caught in a storm, but she wouldn't let me sleep there. My brother said nothing. Since then we have tried to talk about it, but he "forgets" the promises he has made to help get the relationship back on track. Last I heard from him he said that I should accept a relationship where he gives 0,1 %. I said that would be degrading, since we have been real friends for years. Now he just ignores me and forgets everything he has said. I find my life very difficult without my best friend, and also the pain from being treated so cold by my closest family. I don't know what to do now..
    Jake2008's Avatar
    Jake2008 Posts: 6,721, Reputation: 3460
    Emotional Health Expert

    Nov 23, 2015, 03:02 PM

    Suddenly, out of the blue, with no reason, your sister-in-law, (you refer to her as 'his wife') was being verbally abusive toward you, and you asked her to talk to you in a healthy manner.

    Then another 'episode' as you describe it, where after the first example you gave, she refused to let you stay at her and your brother's home, overnight.

    Do you really want help?

    Perhaps you can state just what your part in all of this was. You make yourself sound innocent and hard done to, and completely not at fault for any of what has happened to ruin your relationship with your brother.

    I note that you don't say you wish to mend fences with your sister in law, why is that??

    Without some substance to your problem, i.e. what your part was in this rift, it is impossible to offer any advice on how you should proceed to mend fences so to speak.

    Are your actions even somewhat responsible for your brother keeping you at a distance?
    hilde87's Avatar
    hilde87 Posts: 4, Reputation: 1
    New Member

    Nov 23, 2015, 03:20 PM
    For years I had been witnessing how my brothers wife ( you refer to her as `sister-in-law´) talked to him in a degrading/belitteling way, but I never interfered because it was his choice to let it happen. Even though it was painful to listen to, it was still his choice and I didn't want to interfere in their marriage. Then YES one day, when my brother was out of the house, she started with the same degrading tone with me. YES it was the first time she had done it, even though she had kind of taken me for granted when helping her watching the kids etc. But this time she was speaking in a way that made me feel belittled/the same way she had talked to my brother for years. A week later I wrote her about it, asking in as respectful a tone as possible, that she didn't talk to me in that way again. I explained how it made me feel. I also wrote a lot of positive things, because I didn't want to hurt her by asking this. She never responded. She has never said anything about it to this day.
    The other episode (as I describe it); I had just moved to the same city where my brother lives. I had to go to my new apartment, but there was a storm, so I needed to stay at their place that first night. It wasn´t planned, but because of the storm the trains were all delayed, and I had no choice. She said that she needed to know these things in better time and that she had guests the next day, so I couldn't stay there. My brother did nothing, and that's not the way we ever treated each other in our family.
    I don't know if I now qualify to ask my question in your eyes?
    I have tried to talk to my brother about this several times, but he just says he will do something and then after we have talked about it, nothing happens. Im sorry if you don't believe this is how it is, but this is what has happened the last 2 times we´ve talked..
    talaniman's Avatar
    talaniman Posts: 54,244, Reputation: 10853

    Nov 23, 2015, 06:48 PM
    Whatever the issue is it's time to leave your brother and his family alone, if for no other reason than your own dignity and self respect since he shows no signs of changing, and she will never change. Yeah, I know that's sad as hell, but he has taken to pretty much cutting you from his life anyway!!
    Fr_Chuck's Avatar
    Fr_Chuck Posts: 81,304, Reputation: 7692

    Nov 23, 2015, 07:42 PM
    A brothers wife is your sister-in-law, everyone uses that term. Your refusal shows perhaps

    It is obvious you do not like they way they live. (that is his choice and really none of your business) So you interfering with his wife and his life, can easily cause a barrier.

    Next he may also be ashamed of living like that with you seeing it. And perhaps he does not want to hear you tell him about it. (you did not mention, but I bet it is the major topic when you get together with him)

    He has been clear, that he will chose his wife over you. (which is what husband and wife's should do) even if her behavior is wrong to you.

    My advice, mind your own business, his and his wife's life style is not yours.

    If you wish to have a relationship with him, do so, on his terms or have none at all
    hilde87's Avatar
    hilde87 Posts: 4, Reputation: 1
    New Member

    Nov 24, 2015, 01:41 AM
    I know my brothers wife is the same as sister-in-law. We don´t use that term very much where Im from. It´s not something I say because I can't say sister-in-law. I also call my sister´s husband exactly that, and not brother-in-law. I have absolutely no problem with him. But thanks for the psychological analysis on that too. Again -interesting -how that too means that I am the root of the problem. I have nowhere stated that I don't like the way they live. I have only had a problem with seeing my brother being treated that way, and slowly becoming outworn/less happy than he used to be. Which the rest of the family sees also and has expressed.NO - I have not brought up the issues about how he lives, and how she treats him, BECAUSE it would make him feel uncomfortable. Even though You bet I did, I am sorry to disappoint you. I have only talked to him about it, when he himself brought it up. NOT in a destructive way, but in a way where I supported him. But thanks again for the negative prediction on how I have handled the situation.I have not interfered with their lifestyle. I have tried to just play along with the dynamics around them and their kids. Especially because I didn't want to create tension around the kids. But of cause if she starts speaking to me personally in a bad way, I will react.I find it interesting with all the negative conclusions that are jumped to, in regards to how you are sure I have acted. It feels a bit passive aggressive. And not very objective.

    talaniman: I see what you mean. Maybe your right.
    hilde87's Avatar
    hilde87 Posts: 4, Reputation: 1
    New Member

    Nov 24, 2015, 01:57 AM
    Its starting to feel that this forum is more for judging and getting an outlet for passive-agressiveness, than it is for actually communicating.
    I´m signing out.
    Fr_Chuck's Avatar
    Fr_Chuck Posts: 81,304, Reputation: 7692

    Nov 24, 2015, 04:38 AM
    Normally I issues with others really is "ourself" because we allow it to be.

    We stay in a relationship or demand it to be a certain way, when we can not control others.

    We either have to accept others as they are, and go on with life.. or remove them from our lives.

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