My best friend and I have been friends for about 10 years, we were like sisters. I moved away, but we were still close, you know like nothing has changed. Then she got engaged to her ex boyfriend. It was out of the blue, but it still was her choice. Well, she failed to tell me about it and I had to hear it from a friend who knows a friend. It hurt me that I didn't hear it from her and I let her know that. I was of course willing to forgive and forget about it, and continue our friendship, but now she hasn't talked to me in over a month! I know that she was scared to tell me about her engagement because she knew I wouldn't approve, and she is right (he is abusive and I have had to save her whenever they got into a fight), but I have told her time and again that it is her choice and I am not going to judge her based on a decision she has made. She is a big girl and can lead her own life, besides I never wanted her to feel afraid or ashamed to tell me about anything. Well, that has obviously happened. I have heard through mutual friends that she is now having problems in her relationship. My first instinct is to say, "I told you so" but that is not what friends do. I have sent her a letter expressing the worries I have concerning OUR friendship, but I haven't heard anything from her. It is really killing me inside, especially how she is going on with her life as though I never existed. Plus there have been a lot of big things happening in my life that I want to share with her, but I can't. I also don't feel right about getting engaged to my boyfriend until I deal with this issue, one way or another (Since an engagement should be a happy occasion, and I am, well, very sad). I guess I am seeking advice on whether I should make another move to try and fix this, or if I should just let it go and see if she contacts me.

Why does your boyfriend have to be punished because your friend got engaged to her ex boyfriend? That makes absolutely no sense to me. I would feel so insulted if someone I was planning on getting engaged to said "We can't do that now because my friend who is ignoring me got engaged to her ex boyfriend who I don't like." Obviously you wouldn't use those exact words but that's exactly how it reads to me.


As for your friend you may have warned her 1000 times that he's abusive and she may know but she and only she can leave that situation. Although this doesn't make sense on a logical level, maybe she is tired of hearing about how abusive she is. That's a problem with women who are abused, you can tell them, you can warn them about the guy but they still have to find out for themselves.

I used to work with a girl who dated a guy that abused her after getting out of a 7 year relationship where she was beat, verbally abused, and emotionally abused. So after 7 years of that she finds another guy who does the same thing, and her brother, her friends, our co-workers all warned her ahead of time what would happen. And to the absolute surprise of nobody but her she wound up getting abused again. Then for months she would complain about him and everybody would say the usual "It's not your fault" and "he's a a-hole." No question, by the way, he was one. I'm not defending abusive behavior but if you get beat for 7 years and then people warn you not to get involved with this guy and you do then I have zero sympathy.

So one night after months of everybody telling her the same BS about it not being her fault she starts complaining to me about him, and I just looked her scare in the face and said, "It's your own fault." She just looked at me for about 30 seconds then walked away. A few days later I was able to explain a little more in depth my position but the reality was she admitted that she was warned and it didn't matter. Although she didn't tell me this directly I got the impression that everybody telling her that the guy was abusive almost drove her to him that much more. It gave her something to prove. Unfortunately, for her she got proved wrong.

But that's the problem with women in that situation you either say that and it gives them a purpose or you say it too much and it drives them away because they get tired of hearing it. My guess is she may come back when it doesn't work out again but why would you want a friend like that? I think you have to come to terms with the fact the friendship is over and probably has been for some time. But that relationship ending is not a reason to take it out on anyone else like your boyfriend.