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    val15's Avatar
    val15 Posts: 11, Reputation: 1
    New Member
     
    #1

    Jun 8, 2012, 10:57 PM
    Feeling used by Supervisor
    Hi, I'm val and I'm new. I have a situation that is making me a litte crazy. I work in a small office where everyone gets along really well and functions like a family. I've been giving my supervisor rides occasionally to work, home from work, fetching his lunch, because he has no functioning transportation. He is getting married soon and I just found out I'm not invited to the wedding. I haven't been crazy about giving him rides but I did it anyway but now that I know I'm excluded from the wedding, I have begun to feel as though he's using me for my car. I really don't want to keep driving him around. I feel awkward enough as it is listening to him talk about the wedding when I'm not invited. But I can't bring myself to refuse him when he asks for a ride. I'm contemplating taking this up with his supervisor but he is a more valued employee than I am and my guess is that they will side with him. I'm completely unsure of how to handle this. All I can think of to do is look for another job. I need another perspective on this. Please advise.
    Wondergirl's Avatar
    Wondergirl Posts: 37,870, Reputation: 5429
    Jobs & Parenting Expert
     
    #2

    Jun 8, 2012, 11:08 PM
    He has no obligation to invite you to the wedding (you really aren't best buds or longtime friends), nor should you take offense that he hasn't. I would get a wee bit upset though if he isn't giving you gas money. You'd go to his supervisor because he hasn't invited you to his wedding?? I hope not!

    Either continue on without complaining (and learn to make a gas-money deal when someone asks for this kind of help), or tell him in a pleasant way that you can no longer help him out with transportation.

    Oh, and welcome, val!
    joypulv's Avatar
    joypulv Posts: 21,593, Reputation: 2941
    current pert
     
    #3

    Jun 9, 2012, 02:56 AM
    I agree that the wedding is a totally separate issue and it should not be part of this discussion.
    I would find a polite reason to set a deadline for driving him places and even for doing errands, such as your gas budget is strained, and you can't do it past the end of June. You say he has no functioning transportation, so if that means he has a car that isn't working, you can say that you are sure he will have it running by then anyway (even if not true). I'd be more annoyed that he can afford marriage but not a running car than I would be by anything else.
    ScottGem's Avatar
    ScottGem Posts: 64,970, Reputation: 6056
    Computer Expert and Renaissance Man
     
    #4

    Jun 9, 2012, 05:16 AM
    Why is he asking you for a lift? Is it possible you live closest to him so driving him doesn't take you out of your way?

    Was anyone else in the office invited to the wedding? But I do agree that not being invited doesn't mean he is using you.
    val15's Avatar
    val15 Posts: 11, Reputation: 1
    New Member
     
    #5

    Jun 9, 2012, 07:12 AM
    It's a very casual office. And maybe I'm a little oldfashioned, but in my opinion, if you are getting married and you've invited everyone in your office to your wedding, at least everyone you know and work with regularly, you don't discuss the details right in front of someone who you didn't invite. And it's not on my way at all. It's just that on this shift there's only three of us including him. I've been helping him out because I care about him and I know he cares about me. We all socialize in and out of work. I also found out he's using college grant money to pay for the wedding so I know he could be using some of that money to fix his car, although I didn't realize you could do that. I guess ultimately there's no way to predict what will happen here. It's employment at will. The higherups think of him as part of their family and will probably side with him if I go to them with this.
    ScottGem's Avatar
    ScottGem Posts: 64,970, Reputation: 6056
    Computer Expert and Renaissance Man
     
    #6

    Jun 9, 2012, 08:49 AM
    So the next time he talks about the wedding respond with; 'gee I'm sorry I won't be there to see that' Maybe, he thinks he invited you.

    But , if you don't want to drive him around make excuses. Say you need to run some errands so you aren't going home.
    val15's Avatar
    val15 Posts: 11, Reputation: 1
    New Member
     
    #7

    Jun 9, 2012, 11:00 AM
    You know, I want to thank you for your input. He also asks me to go fetch his lunch so I really have no excuse for that because it's in the middle of the day. I think ultimately I'm so hurt and dissolutioned and feeling so crappy about the whole thing that I'm just going to look for a new job. I am too emotionally involved in this place and that's my own fault for letting my emotions get in the way of my job, although that's not to say I'm not still doing my job very well because I am. Also, I considered that maybe he thought he had invited me until yesterday. Someone stopped in who is invited and he asked him about him not sending back his RSVP. If he's aware of who has and hasn't sent back their RSVP then he would realize I haven't sent mine back. But I haven't sent it back because I didn't receive an invitation so it has to be intentional. His fiancÚ is moving in with him this weekend. She doesn't have a job so it will be interesting to see what happens now because she has a car. If he continues to ask me for rides when he could potentially have her car, then honestly I will have to conclude that he is using me for my car.
    Wondergirl's Avatar
    Wondergirl Posts: 37,870, Reputation: 5429
    Jobs & Parenting Expert
     
    #8

    Jun 9, 2012, 11:06 AM
    The fact that he is using college loan money to finance his wedding and has asked the rest of the office to come to his wedding (but not you but continues to mooch off you) puts a new spin on my response. He sounds like a selfish, egocentric young man. Suddenly, my car and my good graces would not be available. I like Scott's idea of what to say.
    val15's Avatar
    val15 Posts: 11, Reputation: 1
    New Member
     
    #9

    Jun 9, 2012, 12:51 PM
    I think I've made up my mind. Talking it out with you guys has helped. I think I'm just going to suck it up until I can find another job. I will never respect him again and will find it difficult to work with him and resentful of the situation so I see no other alternative realistically. And I need a good reference from them which I would get if I leave things alone so that's what I'm going to do. Thank you for the helpfu and kind words.
    Wondergirl's Avatar
    Wondergirl Posts: 37,870, Reputation: 5429
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    #10

    Jun 9, 2012, 12:56 PM
    I'd love to be a fly on the windshield if you ever ask him why you aren't invited to the wedding and reception.

    I like your thinking this through and your conclusion, and am glad we could help.
    val15's Avatar
    val15 Posts: 11, Reputation: 1
    New Member
     
    #11

    Jun 9, 2012, 03:14 PM
    I would never do that. Not my style. I don't go where I'm not wanted. And I'm glad too and thank you.
    ScottGem's Avatar
    ScottGem Posts: 64,970, Reputation: 6056
    Computer Expert and Renaissance Man
     
    #12

    Jun 9, 2012, 04:53 PM
    Quote Originally Posted by val15 View Post
    I would never do that. Not my style. I don't go where I'm not wanted. And I'm glad too and thank you.
    Never do what? You know it is possible that he doesn't realize you weren't invited. If you say to him what I said, you may find that it was all a mistake.
    val15's Avatar
    val15 Posts: 11, Reputation: 1
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    #13

    Jun 10, 2012, 06:51 AM
    I would never ask him flat about why he didn't invite me because it's possible that he would say it is a mistake and that he thought he did and be lying about it just to make me feel better. I don't want to be invited by default. I did think it was a mistake until Friday. Someone who rarely comes into the office came in on Friday and he told this guy that he's still looking for his RSVP. If he thinks he has invited me and doesn't realize I didn't get an invitation he would realize that I haven't returned my RSVP either. So at this point it's a done deal, I'm returning my dress that still has the tag on it, and making other plans for that weekend.
    ScottGem's Avatar
    ScottGem Posts: 64,970, Reputation: 6056
    Computer Expert and Renaissance Man
     
    #14

    Jun 10, 2012, 07:25 AM
    Quote Originally Posted by val15 View Post
    I would never ask him flat about why he didn't invite me .
    Did I say to "flat out" ask him? No, re read post #6. I used very specific wording.

    But if he did say something about another co-workers RSVP. That seems to seal the deal.
    val15's Avatar
    val15 Posts: 11, Reputation: 1
    New Member
     
    #15

    Jun 10, 2012, 09:47 AM
    You didn't say flat out ask him, Wondergirl said she would love to be a fly on the windshield if I ever asked him why I wasn't invited. My response of I would never do that was in response to her saying that. I have no intention of saying anything wedding related to him. Now that some time has passed and I'm feeling slightly less emotional about it I'm a little less hurt but still very dissolutioned and have lost respect for him so I'm going to try to just do my job as well as ever and keep personal stuff out of it for as long as I'm there, which hopefully won't be much longer.

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