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SuperPIRATEkid · Oct 22, 2009, 06:08 AM

Hi, this is the first song I've evry written and it doesn't have a beat but I just want your opinion on it :) it's about a girl meeting a bad guy and how he's runind her life.

Dark trap

You think that you’re in charge,
All you do is make me cry,
So my hate for you is large,
That’s why I want to say goodbye,

You just kept me locked in a cage,
Made me work to the bone,
And if I speak you get in a rage,
You made sure I was alone,

Chorus:
If I could, I would walk out,
I would be free from you hands,
I would run and scream about,
And I could have bigger plans.

You constantly lied to me,
You just used me from the start.
Telling me that I could be free,
There is no love in you heart,

Now I just live in fear,
I just hate you guts.
Every time you have loads of beer
My body gets covered in cuts.

Chorus:
If I could, I would walk out,
I would be free from you hands,
I would run and scream about,
And I could have bigger plans.

Now I’m stuck in you dark trap,
You forced me to be you wife
I’ll have to deal with this crap,
I’m jammed in this rotten life

Now I’m stuck in you dark trap,
You forced my to be you wife
I’ll have to deal with this crap,
Now I’m jammed in this rotten life

adam_89 · Oct 22, 2009, 06:51 AM

Well, I don't have a beat to hear how it sounds, but it seems kind of morbid but hey some like that.

drinkmenow8 · Nov 4, 2009, 04:44 PM

Sorry but if you want your music to truly sound professional you have to follow proper formats for this song to be written.

What I read here sounds like there is a thought to your music and I am sure that you have a beat in mind but you can not just come up with rhymes to make your song complete just because trap rhymes with crap does not mean it should be stuck in your verse.

Foreshadow your thoughts(all of them). That will give you content to write about.

Start by giving an introduction verse (or two) that really just keeps the listener interested on what the song is going to be about.

At the end of your intro verse comes your thesis line the most important line of your verses. You can do what you want with it a lot of time, and from what it sounds like this is a harder song so this will lead into the choruses.

Your chorus is to long generall choruses are 4 lines and repeat and either repeat twice with the same words or the 2nd time through you can change the rhymes on the last two lines.