[MattWatson]

Sorry this is so long, but I just have a lot to say and I figured the more background and information the better.

For as long as I can remember, I have always been a very shy kid especially around the ladies. In junior high, there were several girls who I was friends with and who I was pretty close to. Even around these girls who I had known for a while I was still shy around and I wasn’t completely comfortable around them. In seventh grade, I met this girl, Anna Knotek, who I immediately had this strange and unfamiliar comfort around, like nothing I had ever felt before. Outside of school, we rarely talked or saw one another. We did see each other at some church activities but we rarely hung out outside of that. I never knew quite what it was but for some reason I had no problems being comfortable around her. I remember talking to her at camp one year telling her that she is the only girl who I can truly be myself around and am not shy around. I told her it was like she was “one of the guys”. I knew absolutely nothing about love, girls or relationships for that matter but even then it was obvious to me that there was something special about her. After junior high she moved away to live with her mother after her parents got divorced and I only saw her every once in a while at church camp in the summer and a few other things. Every time, even after not seeing each other for long periods, we always found our way to one another and it took no effort to achieve the comfort that I was unable to have with any other girl. Nothing can compare to the bond that Anna and I had even back in junior high when we knew so little about deep feelings.

During our sophomore year in high school when she came into town, she came over to my house with one of my friends. I hadn’t seen her forever, but we immediately hit it off. We flirted and laughed, it was like she had never left. From that day on, we talked almost every night and whenever she was in town we would always have a blast together. We started dating about a month and a half later. It was absolutely amazing. I never knew how great it was to share your life with someone you loved until I met her. I had never really had a relationship before ours and I didn’t realize what I was missing out on until she came into my life. Like any other relationship, we had our problems every once in a while but they always got resolved very quickly. We made it a point to never go to sleep upset with one another. About ten months into it, things started to get really serious. It was the first time that she had told me that she loved me. Everything was just perfect between us. From that point on, things got progressively more serious and we eventually talked about how we thought we would get married and be happy with each other for the rest of our lives. We dated for almost 2 ½ wonderful years. Towards the end of our senior year, things started to get a little rocky. I had always had a little problem opening up to her and showing her that I loved her, which was hard for her. She also had some jealousy problems that I think were triggered because of my lack to show her that I loved her. She knew that I loved her, but I had a hard time showing it sometimes. I don’t mean being affectionate or anything like that because we were very affectionate with one another but I didn't really do the little things for her to show her that she was special to me.

When the time came around for college, she decided that she had to get away. The reason was, was because she didn’t really have much of a home. Her mom got put in jail and her dad was never sober. He was always either drunk or high and always yelling. It was a horrible environment for her and I hated it that she had to put up with all of that. Despite all of these horrible influences in her life, she was the kindest, most loving person I knew. Everything about her just drives me crazy (in a good way). She just does it for me. On top of all this inner beauty, she is extremely gorgeous on the outside as well. Once the summer rolled around, there was a lot of stress with knowing that she had to move away and everything in her house was getting worse. She eventually broke up with me because she said that she hated feeling jealous and that it wasn’t fair to me. One other main reason why we broke was because we started to lose the spark. Things started to feel routine and boring for her. At the time, I was happy with where we were, but now when I look back I am very disappointed in myself for the way I let things get. It was really hard for the both of us when we broke up though. We actually got back together a week or so later but then she left to live with her grandma in Irene, SD (she was going to go to college at USD) and everything changed.

She used to tell me that she would cry herself to sleep and I knew that she was having a really hard time with everything. I was too but not as bad as she was. Although we weren’t together and she moved away, I still felt that we would work things out like we always had. I never dreamed that I could lose her. It eventually really began to sink in, and I became an absolute wreck. I called her almost everyday, but she hardly ever got back to me. When we did talk, she told me that she still loved me but that we just can’t be together right now. She said that she had hopes for us in the future but she couldn’t stand crying herself to sleep anymore so she forced herself to move on as best as she could. It’s been about 5 months since we broke up and I’m still having a hard time. She has told me that she still has really strong feelings for me but that as long as I am here and she is there, we can’t be together. Since she has left, my feelings for her have just gotten stronger and I have come to more of a realization of just how much she means to me. I have really put my mind to opening up and showing my love for her. I knew that it was a little late, but everything just clicks now and it seems so easy to do all of this. I don’t know why it was so hard for me open up to her and show my love for her but now everything just seems so natural and automatic. I have tried to show her and tell her how much she means to me. I sent her a couple of care packages, wrote her poems, letters, bought her little gifts and sent them to her, planned trips to come see her, etc. She really appreciates it all, but she still isn’t willing to give me another chance. I have also talked to her about if she would ever move back if she found somewhere to stay so that she didn’t have to deal with her family. It looks like she intends to stay at USD throughout college. I just don’t know what to do.

About a week ago, she called me and we had a long talk. She hasn't made a whole lot of good friends yet but there are two who she is really close to. There were supposed to go out that night but she decided to stay home. She told me that they were having some problems and that she just feels really lonely. She said that she really wants to come home but she can't because she doesn't really have a "home" to come to. I told her that she always has a home to go to and that is with me and her friends here. Throughout the last few months, this is one of probably 3-4 conversations where she has called and opened up to me and told me that she feels lonely and wants to come home and that she knows if we were to get back together then everything would be so much easier and better.

She came back into town for thanksgiving and we had a long talk just a few hours ago. We started talking about us and I asked her if she ever misses that feeling of being in love. She said that she thinks about us all the time and that she misses being in a relationship with me but that that spark is no longer there. She told me that she knows that if we were to get back together, that it would be safe and everything in her life would be so much easier and better. She said that she knows that I would love her and take care of her like I always have but that the spark is no longer there like it once was. I told her that over time, I thought that maybe she had buried that spark(maybe without even knowing it) because she thinks that if we were to get back together then it would be predictable and boring like it was in the end. She doesn't want to give us another try because that spark is not there like it was and she seems to think that if it isn't there now, then it can't be rekindled if we got back together. Really the only thing that is keeping us apart is that the spark for her has died.

So, I guess what I am looking for is any advice that you can give me on what is going on. Do I need to force myself to move on, keep trying, just give her space and hope for the best, keep following my heart and just do what I have been doing, etc? How can I get that spark back? This obviously would be so much easier if she still lived here. Its only about a 2 hour drive to where she lives and I only have class tuesdays and thursdays so if we were to get back together then I really think that we could do a long distance relationship pretty easily. I know that no piece of advice can solve everything but any insight would be great. I am still so in love with her. I would do anything just to see her happy.

If you need more information just let me know.

[MattWatson]

Basically, I took her for granted and didn't realize just how special of a relationship we had. I never thought that I could ever lose her. Realizing that I could and was losing her opened my eyes and now everything seems so simple now as far as showing her that I love her and opening up to her. It sucks that it took until now for me to open my eyes and change but I can't help when it happened. All I know is that I am in love with this girl and I know that if I could have just seen things earlier the way that I do now, then we would still be together.

Also, some of you guys may be thinking that she is playing games with me or something because she tells me that she wants to come home and that she knows that if we were to get back together then everything would be so much better and easier but that is not at all the type of girl she is. I know that the last thing that she wants to do is hurt me. That's one thing that I think is so stupid when I hear about it from other peoples relationships that have ended. After the breakup they are mad at each other and just want one another to hurt as much as possible. That is not at all like we have felt. We still care about each other very much and the last thing that we want to is to hurt one another.

[BiWiccanAndProud]

Matt the advice I got for you is to stay with this man!! She isn't playing games I can tell you that. But that spark... it is not buried all the way or else she would not still have feelings for you. I say try for long distance, go see her on weekends! It would not be that hard, if anything else move to her town or closer to it. To make sure it doesn't get boring then break out of your shy shell and do something unexpected every once and a while! Think back to the date that you guys first started dating or when you met, or some special day and surprise her with a romantic evening. On her birthday take her out to do something wild. Mix it up a bit! It doesn't even have to be a special day! On some random weekend take her out to do something you have never done! If she asks what the occasion is then say "do I need one?". If you have had sex that find out something new to try in bed! It's not that hard to keep a relationship interesting. No matter how routine it gets you can always find something to keep the spark burning bright!

Tell her you love her and that you are willing to push the dirt off the ember so that it can bring back that raging fire of love! That's what love is! It's a raging fire but if you don't throw in some kindel every once and a while then it will slowly die down and burn out!

If anything else Matt... surprise her with a visit first! To show her that you are willing to come see her that not even the miles between you can keep you from her! You love the woman! She's your first and only love! Don't let anything stand between you and her! Go and get her!!

Oh wow did the hopeless romantic in me come out in this? Looks like ^.^ but hey... that side of me is normally right. Take this slowly Matt... but stick with it... you love her and you deserve her, and she deserves you.

[MattWatson]

After we had our little talk when she came home for thanksgiving, I didn't understand why she felt we couldn't rekindle that spark. I thought that sometimes in long-term relationships that spark can sometimes begin to dwindle and like you said you just have to throw a little kindling on it to get things going again. When I got home, I got on the internet and just typed in "losing the spark" to learn a little about what was going on. That is actually how I found this site. During my search I came across several articles that said pretty much the same thing including this one,

Great Relationships: How to Get the Spark Back

This just reaffirmed what I felt. Although we were not married which is what this article talks about but it was like we were married. We did everything together and spent all of our time together. She was at my house more than she was at her "home". She was thought of as a part of the family by everyone. What I think happened to us and why we ultimately ended up breaking up was just a combination of things. I think that we were going through the stages. We had been together for almost 2 1/2 years and things started to get a little rocky. We both still loved one another and didn't want anything to come between us but we were having some troubles none the less. While this was all happening, summer time came and we both knew that she had to move away. She absolutely could not stand to live with her dad anymore and she had no where else to go but her grandmas. Also her mom had just recently been arrested. Everything was coming down on us and we were both having a hard time. Then it ended and she moved away... We never really got a chance to work through things because right after we broke up she moved away. We have talked several times since but she has never really given me a chance. She will listen but I don't really think she is hearing me because she thinks that things would be how they ended. We had some really great times together but I know we could and would make some knew and so much better memories. I know things would be ten times better than they ever were.

Don't get me wrong, but I think that her moving away was a good thing. This may be a surprise to hear this but I do think that it was for the best, not just because of her family but for her and I also. If she hadn't moved away then I may never have grown as a person like I have. I may not have to come the realization and appreciation of her that I have now. I had always known that there was something truly special between her and I but I didn't know just how serious and strong it was until now. I know that distance can really make or break a relationship and if it breaks then it isn't meant to be. The distance is not what broke us up though. The only thing that it is doing is making it easier to stay apart and making it difficult for us to give it another chance. It is also making it very difficult to rekindle that beautiful thing that we once had.

[BiWiccanAndProud]

Well good and bad come from all things Matt.

[Homegirl 50]

What were you not doing that she thinks you should have been doing to prove your love for her?

I think she was living in a bad home situation and you rescued her. You are a kind stable person who loved her and treated her good. Now all of the euphoria has died and you are no longer the knight in shining armor, you're just a regular nice guy whom she feels very strongly for. This is nothing against you, or anything you did wrong, she has just come back down to earth.
She is the first girl you have ever felt comfortable with and you both were in a point in time where you needed each other. You are still in need, ( or at least you think you are) she is not.
Granted she is lonely and she feels very strongly for you, she may very well love you, but I don't think she is in love with you like she used to be. I think she needed you and you her.
I think in time, if you allow yourself, you will come down to earth as well, meet and feel comfortable with other girls and be fine.
In the mean time, don't push the relationship. Take it a day at a time for what it is. You two are likely growing up and away from each other, it will be hard and painful, but you'll get through it and move on.
I'm sorry if this is not what you wanted to hear, but it's my take on it. I hope I'm wrong and in time you two will get back what you had.
This young lady is very needy and so are you, but in a different way, I'm thinking you are growing out of your need for each other. The love may still be there because you two have been through a lot and helped each other a lot, but that neediness and newness in a relationship... you two are growing out of that, at least she is.
I wish you well.

[MattWatson]

Homegirl
Although, I would love to hear that everyone thinks that we will get back together, I know that that may not be the case and I appreciate any piece of advice that is given. You gave me an honest opinion on the matter and that is exactly what I was looking for.

The things that I wasn't doing were just those little things. I told her that I loved her and how beautiful I thought she was almost everyday. The little things that I am talking about are; little surprises, romantic dates, love notes, little gifts out of nowhere, etc. I let the relationships get really routine and unspontaneous. We both really liked to watch movies and were in to the same types of movies so that was one thing that we did a lot. It got to the point where that's almost all we did. We would still go out to dinner every once in a while and we would hang out with friends but watching movies is pretty much what we did when it was just her and I. I am really disappointed in myself for letting the relationship get routine and boring. Since we have broken up, I have taken this time as a way to better myself as a person. All of my friends have noticed that I am much more open and outgoing now. After we broke up, I read a book, "For Men Only". She had asked me to read this book when we were together. I really disliked reading and I didn't realize that it was really that big of a deal so I never got around to reading it. Big Mistake. Reading that book and running things through my mind REALLY opened up my eyes. I could really relate things to our relationship and I realized that there was things that I had handled or done completely wrong. It helped me realize the difference between feeling loved and knowing that you are loved. I think that Anna knew that I loved her but I didn't really do much so that she felt loved. Its amazing what a good smack in the face can do for you because that is exactly what this book did for me.

The thing that is making it the hardest to move on is that I feel very strongly that if I would have seen things when we were together the way that I do know, then our relationship would have only gotten stronger and that we would still be together and happier than ever.

I have a quick question for everyone. Since we have broken up, we have been keeping somewhat constant communication between one another, talking about once or twice a week. I planned a trip with a bunch of her close friends to come see her. We stayed for 2 days and had a lot of fun. She then came back for thanksgiving and she often came over to hang out with me. We had dinner and lunch together several times. At dinner we would sometimes feed one another.

My question is, is that I have been doing some thinking lately and I was thinking that maybe it would be better if we didn't talk or hang out anymore. Every time we talk or hang out, it gives me some false hope because I see something there still. I think that it is just prolonging my pain and slowing that moving on process down. It was me who really wanted to keep in touch because I felt that if we just remained friends and if she would just give me a chance what so ever then she would see that things would be different. I haven't called her in about a week and half and it has helped me not think about her so much. In this time she has called me three times and texted me but I just ignored them. This is the most that she has ever tried to contact me. When I didn't answer she called 3 of my close friends and asked them what was going on. I decided to call her back last night so that she wasn't just wondering what was going on. She didn't have time to talk alone so I told her to call me back today when she has time to talk alone. I still think about her almost everyday but not near as much as I did when we talked often. I used to not be able to sleep at night because my mind would constantly wonder on and on about her. I wasn't worrying about what she was doing or anything like that but just about how much fun we had together just being with one another and about all the things that I still want to share with her. Now, I don't lay awake at night thinking about her near as much and that is nice.

Is cutting all ties with her a good idea? I would love to be able to be friends with her because I don't want to lose her completely but I don't know if that is for the best. I think I am just trying to hang on to whatever I can get and friendship is all that she is truly giving me.

[talaniman]

If you don't cut the ties, you will never be friends. Seems with the distance, you would have a life where you are, but its good you see that you want more than she can give. Be happy without her.

[Homegirl 50]

If cutting ties with her will help you get through this, do it. You seem to be handling things well. I think you will be fine.
I do want to say this; although there may have been things that you did not do to keep the spark going, you were not in the relationship by yourself. It is up to both parties to keep things going, so don't be so hard on yourself. It sounds like you are learning and growing from this, you will make some young lady happy.
I wish you well.