[misha123]

Hi, My 13yo son was a well mannered boy, who adored me. 2 years ago his father, my husband began to become jealous with my work travel and from that stemmed a lot of mental abuse, which resulted to physical abuse April this year. After trying to save the marriage for nearly 1 year, I gave up and as he would not leave the house, I moved bedrooms. I have 3 sons, 10,11,13 so I didn't want to move out. Their father convinced me that we can live separately and still raise our children.

I work fulltime and travel 25% of the time, each time I need to go away for work, things get heated and there is always an argument. He still looks through my phones, calls hotels I stay in and acts like a very obsessed being. He has not been violent physically since April but then again I do not go out with him anymore (fights use to stir after a night out because a man spoke to me, or looked at me).

My 13yo son has a computer game addiction, and recently I caught him getting up early hours of the morning to play, hence being too tired for school in the morning. He lied to me and his father condoned it. After threatening to take him and his computer to the school to prove his lying, he owned up to me. I have since restricted internet access at home and explained to him that things wouldve been worse if he hadn't owned up to his lying and that this won't be tolerated.

All was well until he tried to go to this online game and realised it was blocked, he then became very abusive to me again and when I asked him to stop, the attitude was "what are you going to do about it" he threatens his brothers in the most offensive way saying that hell rip their heads off and other terrible things. I do tell him off but he looks at me and says horrible things like your not a mother, and that I am making his dad sad.

I hide my feelings from my children and what their father has done, so to protect them. I do eveyrthing for my children I take them to school, their friends, sports, etc etc. I cannot believe he would say these things to me. My husband says he will not move out and even if I get an eviction he will wait for the police to evict him just so he can show the children how much of a horrible person I am. Which I am not. I have photos of the bruising from the abuse, suffered 2 years of mental abuse and now I feel I'm losing my child.

I feel so cornered, I don't know what to do. My other two children are supportive and would come with me should I move but I can't leave my eldest behind. Nor do I want to expose him to the terrible things his father has done. His father hears it all but does nothing.

I have tried talking to him, but he treats me with disrespect. I do not recognise him. Help me somebody I'm worried that I will lose my son to bad things and he is such a good kid. I am 33. How should I handle this ? His father won't have a bar of taking him to counselling and abuses me when I try talk to him and says lies so that my son hears it.

I feel so alone, my family is of european tradition and do not believe in divorce irrespective of abuse and so they do not support me in my decision. I keep reminding them that if it wasn't for my children I wouldn't be staying as they keep saying that I am not thinking of them by separating.

I feel so stuck.

[MayfairLady]

There is a section in this about making choices which really helped me, it was given to me by another member on here. I think you have to make the best choice for you and your children in this situation, it may be a difficult choice to make between two seemingly awful things, but you do have a choice.

Setting Personal Boundaries - protecting self

[liz28]

I think this living situation is totally messed up. It seems that your 13 year old is following the actions of the father. He needs help. Try to put him counseling and you should give it a try too.

I understand that you want to keep your family togther but this is unhealty and could do more harm then good. Yes your husband sounds obessive and that could be dangerous. Your husband already done the damage by mentally and physcially abusing you and now your son is following him and you seem very scared of him but stay firm and if does hit you call the cops and I hope you called it on your husband when he hit you.

I think if you can move than move but be weary of your husband and get help for your son because it seems the abuse affecting him a lot and you don't want him to do the same to some girl in the future. Get out this unhealthy environment.

[NowWhat]

I understand your reasoning of staying in the house. But, it is stressful for you. And you are the adult and understand everything that is going on. Imagine what it must be like for a 13 year old. Even if you are under the same roof, you are no longer the family he once had. And your house could be a war zone - not the safe place kids need.
From what I gather, your husband has nothing good to say about you, so he maybe feeding that to your kids. They don't know what to think.
Something has to change with your living arrangement.
I would say - get the husband out of the house. Or you and all three of your kids move. Your living arrangements are poison to this boy.
He is confused and lost.
As hurt as you must be, think about when you were a teenager and how it was a confusing time and then think about your son. He is trying to keep his balance on very shaky ground.

Good Luck to you.