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    macaroon's Avatar
    macaroon Posts: 1, Reputation: 1
    New Member
     
    #1

    Oct 2, 2014, 02:53 AM
    Is this paragraph okay enough to read aloud to my class tomorrow?
    What should I do to improve it? If you are able to, please help me identify my strong and weak points in writing, as they will help me later on.

    Paragraph:
    I believe a keyboard represents me. I am considered a fast typer in my class, and I use the computer often. I also like to play games on the computer, and you use a keyboard to play the games. I try to assist people, just like how a keyboard assists the user. Based on physical appearance, there is something about me that looks different compared to everyone else, just like every other human, but we all share one thing within us that we are supposed to do, which is to serve God, similar to how a keyboard will look different from all of the other models, but serve the same purpose, which is to be of use to the person using the keyboard. I am capable of doing extraordinary things, but only if I make the right decisions and actions, similar to how a keyboard is capable of doing great things also but only if used correctly. I will not be of assistance to you if I am broken, and will only be an inconvenience to most people, until something that happens or someone fixes me, similar to how a broken keyboard is of little to no use and bothersome to most people until someone or something fixes it. I require friends and family, just like how a keyboard needs someone to operate it, the computer, the display, and the touchpad or mouse. I am able to fix my mistakes most of the time, just like how a keyboard is able to erase a mistake by pressing delete, but sometimes is not able to fix a mistake, such as when it is broken. These are my reasons I believe that a keyboard represents me.

    Note: I am a 13 year old in seventh grade, and this assignment is supposed to be done within one day.
    paraclete's Avatar
    paraclete Posts: 2,704, Reputation: 171
    Ultra Member
     
    #2

    Oct 9, 2014, 04:31 AM
    Try to simplify it, learn to précis, the art of shortening a paragraph so you reduce repetition and just present the important
    CravenMorhead's Avatar
    CravenMorhead Posts: 4,532, Reputation: 1065
    Adult Sexuality Expert
     
    #3

    Oct 9, 2014, 07:07 AM
    Unless there's a precise format for you to follow you really need to shorten that. Length for lengths sake is never good. The beginning of the paragraph you say how you're like a keyboard. That kind of sets the subject for the paragraph. You don't need to keep repeating "similar to how a keyboard." Mix it up a little.

    For example you wrote:
    "I am capable of doing extraordinary things, but only if I make the right decisions and actions, similar to how a keyboard is capable of doing great things also but only if used correctly."
    Change it to something like:
    "When used correctly a keyboard can do extraordinary things like I can when I make the right decisions and actions."

    More succinct.

    As well avoid being preachy. No one likes that. "...we all share one thing within us that we are supposed to do, which is to serve God..." Unless you're not in a secular school that really shouldn't be in there. That is my opinion only. Simplify things in the paragraph because it is more impressive when you say more with less.

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