I'm really scared, I'm not sure what to do. I've always had a very positive outlook on life and felt like I was doing okay. But now these waves of depression just hit me and sometimes I can't get myself to do even the smallest things in my day. I'll sleep in as late as I can and then take a nap later, because nothing matters. If I have a day off, I have no idea what to do with it. I make lists of things I want to do or be good at and errands I need to take care of, which helps sometimes. I feel like the secret to happiness is just to DO things, no matter what, so you feel productive at least. Try new things, go outside... whatever. And some days I can do this and I end the day feeling great, but then without warning in the middle of certain days I'll lose all hope. I feel like I can't do anything and there is no point to anything in my life. I can't handle even the smallest setback, I immediately feel suicidal. I hate how whiny this all sounds, it just makes me more angry at myself for losing control of my mind. I can't afford a therapist but I just need to feel like I'm not crazy. I don't want to start medication, I want to beat this without it. But here is a brief synopsis of why I feel crazy.

I'm 23, still a virgin and never been on even a date. I've lost about 30 pounds over the past year, but I'm still about 153 and I'm 5'2". I know I look much better and some days I feel confident and ready to finish what I started, but some days I'm just so angry and it seems so futile. If I mess up on calories even one day I feel anxious and guilty the entire next couple days. I'm so sick of fighting this battle it's not even funny. I've always been very social with a lot of friends and considered myself good company. I've steadily become socially terrifed because I dread the moment people find out about me never having a boyfriend-they look at me like I'm pathetic. It's past the point I can defend, I think it's pathetic too at this point. I feel years behind everyone my age in maturity and I'm scared it will only get worse. How could I ever find someone willing to deal with this emotional mess? I don't want to put that burden on someone. Not only am I completely clueless sexually, but I have no relationship experience and I think he'd feel like he was dating a high schooler. I feel like I'm on the verge of being so crazy, I'm trying to take control before it's too late. Therapy seems like the best answer to me, but I don't have the money, I'm already stressing about paying back student loans and supporting myself. I don't know what I'm wanting to hear, but I just want to feel like it will be okay. I don't really believe myself when I say it anymore.