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    MelodyCrystal's Avatar
    MelodyCrystal Posts: 6, Reputation: 1
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    #1

    Mar 25, 2017, 08:23 PM
    What do I do with my suicidal friend?
    My closest friend is suicidal. Her parents know, the school knows, the social workers know, her therapists/psychiatrists know, and I can't seem to take it anymore.

    I've dealt with depression and suicidal thoughts (seen in my previous posts) but we both are just so different about it. Everyway she deals with her thoughts, are just the complete opposite of how I would react. It has lead to the point where I've started to feel as if, at some points she uses me, and I contribute to her depression. There is so much more to this topic, but I can't seem to put it into words. So I'll just give examples.

    She tells a bunch of people about her depression and makes scenes in public, whereas I would die if anyone found out

    She told me, some of my close friends, and close friends of hers that she was going to kill herself (gave us a time and way), whereas I would never want any of my friends to feel the responsibility that they could save me, because I know I am not changing the way I think and they will not be able to save me. So I don't know what she expects me to do in such situations

    She believes that once she starts dating a guy she will finally be happy; however the guys she choses to go on dates him, only want to have a one time thing, which she doesn't understand, and wishes to change them. Whereas, I hate intimacy, and understand most guys our age are just looking for sexual relations.

    She gets bad grades in school because she doesn't study or she doesn't do her assigments, but then complains that its because she is stupid, which she isn't.

    She tells me to hang out with her, then I tell I need space, as I hate feeling that I am getting too close to someone, then the next day she tells me she has self-harmed.

    We talk about self-harm, but I personally think that you shoudn't be so negative about it (not be happy to self-harm, but I just mean not to hate yourself for self-harming), since I am trying to recover, and that I should just accept what I've done, and get over it. However, she manages to twist my words, and ends up telling me that I encourage her to self-harm. So I just don't think this relationship is healthy.

    It has reached the point that I just get mad at her for being who she is. I understand we are different and that is her way of coping but I can't take it anymore. I am so emotionally involved in her, that my self-obsesed self just wants to force her to change herself. I know I shouldn't change people, or tell them what to do. So I just want to give up on being her friend, but I know the guilt of knowing I left someone who is going through the same I have gone before, will eat me up.

    I really don't wish to compare myself to her to see who is better or anything like that, I hope this doesn't come out like that. This probably sounds like a rant about her, but I honestly love her. I am just so emotionally involved with her, I don't even know why, but now I am just debating as to what I should do. Any advice would really be appreciated. Thanks.
    Wondergirl's Avatar
    Wondergirl Posts: 37,769, Reputation: 5427
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    #2

    Mar 25, 2017, 08:30 PM
    Do you talk with a counselor?
    MelodyCrystal's Avatar
    MelodyCrystal Posts: 6, Reputation: 1
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    #3

    Mar 25, 2017, 08:57 PM
    No, I don't. I've tried, but I can't deal with people pitying me, and me going on about my problems. Even though I do this behind a monitor, its different when you face someone. However, she does talk to many counselours.
    joypulv's Avatar
    joypulv Posts: 21,593, Reputation: 2941
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    #4

    Mar 26, 2017, 03:02 AM
    ''I contribute to her depression'' - WRONG! You are one of many of her crutches. Yes, she is using you, to avoid facing what's underneath her suicidal thoughts and actions, and the need to get a warped kind of love from everyone in the form of protest against her killing herself.

    But I think you are finally starting to realize that the way she uses you is in no way good for you. She knows that, and doesn't care. She doesn't even worry about bringing YOU down!

    I would tell her, outright. I would actually write it on paper and hand it to her, and wait while she reads it. Keep a copy. If she hurts herself (using you as a reason to self harm), you have something to show anyone who asks you what happened. Not that you really need to have a copy of anything you say. She is responsible for her own actions and you are NOT. I only suggested it because you are in a vulnerable state yourself.

    You need to practice a very difficult form of caring but tough withdrawal. Write your letter over and over til you know it says in some form or another "I do care about you, but can't take it anymore, and have to break away for my own health."
    tickle's Avatar
    tickle Posts: 23,801, Reputation: 2674
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    #5

    Mar 26, 2017, 08:47 AM
    I cant say it any better then joy does did !
    talaniman's Avatar
    talaniman Posts: 53,910, Reputation: 10852
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    #6

    Mar 26, 2017, 09:40 AM
    You must realize she is not your friend, as she is not healthy enough to be, so don't let her suck your own weakened emotional strength from you. For your part you must talk about this with healthy professional people, and stay away from her as she is toxic for you. I know it sucks, but you cannot help anyone unless you help yourself first, and you do yourself no good by keeping this to yourself, and handling it alone, because you are not healthy enough, or trained sufficiently yourself.

    I feel sad that EVERYONE knows of her issues, and does not efficiently address it, but you should not bear that burden.
    MelodyCrystal's Avatar
    MelodyCrystal Posts: 6, Reputation: 1
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    #7

    Mar 27, 2017, 09:13 AM
    Thanks, I'll write the letter and see how it goes. Thanks again for the advice

    I guess I do realize that, but I just couldn't bring myself to abandon a person in such a state; however, talking it over with others, and receiving some of the same advice has helped. Thank you
    Alty's Avatar
    Alty Posts: 28,318, Reputation: 5972
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    #8

    Mar 27, 2017, 04:25 PM
    You're not abandoning her.

    Everyone deals with things differently. She's relying too much on you, and that's not fair to you because you're also dealing with depression and suicidal thoughts.

    I have a cousin going through this right now. He's almost 50. He's out of work, and has mentioned many times that he just wants to die. Nothing anyone says helps. He won't go to therapy.

    So the other day I found a site for him, a place where he can talk about all the things that are bothering him, where he can be anonymous, and where there are people that have gone through it, or people that can help.

    I'm going to post the link for you. I think it would do you a world of good.

    This site is great for answering questions, but we really don't have the kind of support system I think you need right now.

    Of course I am hoping you keep us updated.

    Here's the link to the site:

    https://www.supportgroups.com

    There's a list of groups you can join, everything from ADHD, to breastfeeding, to depression, to self harming, and more.

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