Hey there. I have just joined because frankly, I needed some real people to talk to, but I am too ashamed to speak to any-one I know about this subject and I am too shy a person to discuss it with a stranger.

Before I begin I feel maybe some background knowledge might help:
I am female, I turned 21 last week. I personally feel I am attractive. I am an artist studying to become an animator.
Ok, on to my problem.
I have never had a boyfriend. I was an awkward girl at school. I am shy and wear glasses and when I was in High school I preferred wearing baggy shirts and Pants (I'm from South Africa and we wear a school uniform where I'm from) Only once I reached my final year of high school did I start to open up.

I took a year off to prepare to go to Canada to study and it was during this time (where I mostly stayed at home and went to the mall and stuff.) I started taking a supplement called L Tyrosine for my concentration (I have type 2 ADD), it was during this time I found that I was starting to develop sexual frustration. I would have bouts of extreme discomfort and cravings but I felt I could do nothing about them.

I also found that I was starting to develop an arousal when I saw specific artwork depicting drowned girls. It was not ALL pictures. I like watching crime documentaries, and found that when I saw photo of an actual female drown victim I felt nothing but disgust, sadness, remorse etc. Nothing sexually or even physically attractive. However when it came to art (And I don't mean classical artwork, I mean like the overly perfect Anime-esque type) I felt aroused.
It bothered me as I became confused about my sexual orientation. When I went out from then on I started to look at passing attractive young girls around my age, and again I found no sexual attraction. Being an artist I can and do appreciate the female body's beauty but I do not find anything sexually attractive. On the other hand I have had numerous normal physical attractions to men and boys around my age.

This phase passed. But I still felt sexual frustration. So I started masturbating to take the edge off so to speak. I have no boyfriend and didn't know what else to do. I use to do it once a day, but after a few months is petered to once a week and finally to month long breaks in between. However despite the frequency I never enjoyed it. The fantasizing and build up was great but I could never reach a release, so I always feel unsatisfied afterwards. On top of this I always hate myself afterwards as I feel like I have sinned (I am not catholic nor really religious, but I always feel I have committed an act against God.) Despite this the moment of build up is always so strong I could never just stop.

Since I have moved to Canada 6 months ago, I met a friend in person who I spoke with over the internet for a full year before hand. We were fine at first but recently she has become emotionally and mentally abusive. One time we had a bad argument she physically shoved me so I am afraid of making her angry.
I have started to once again masturbate at least once a week, I feel no better about it and I'm starting to feel emotionally depressed about it.
On top of this I am finding that I am experiencing arousal at images and fantasies about Girls being consentingly unconscious, asleep, or otherwise inert and limp. I'm aroused at the idea of handling their limbs and bodies in this state (even as I type I feel my heart rate increase and my skin flush :( )
But when I searched for Sleepy/carry/necro fetish videos online to explore this and understand it better I found that such videos did not arouse me as much as the recollection of them did. Everything is more arousing in a fantasy than it is when I see it more directly.
Also, I found that as soon as genitalia become involved I am immediately turned off, whether male OR female.
I strained my wrist last night, and currently being in Animation school I feel at a complete loss.
I need to stop masturbating, I cannot injure my drawing hand as I draw at least 50 pictures a day for 8 hours a day. I am afraid I might injure myself or cause a serious infection (I had already caused UTI before) I also cannot stand hating myself so much all the time. I feel ashamed and confused and scared.

Is there something seriously wrong with me? Am I completely screwed up in feeling this way and being aroused by such imagery? Is there anything I can do to stop myself masturbating? Is there another outlet I could use for my sexual frustration? Are these things coming from an emotional need I'm trying to fulfill and that's why I never feel satisfied?
Please help me. I'm not a bad person, nor am I a freak. I just need some advice. I've never spoken about any of this before and I'm afraid.

Hello s:

Relax. You're fine. Your sexual fantasy and/or fetish is fine too. Maybe you'll get to explore it someday in more detail if you're lucky. It's not dangerous. It doesn't hurt anybody. It's not my cup of tea, but it's FINE!!

Masterbating is fine too. Everybody does it!

Once you relax about those things, and stop beating yourself up about them, you might be able to open yourself up to other things and grow as an individual. You're young. You have a lot to learn. There's NOTHING wrong with you. You're just not exactly like everybody else. I think that's a GOOD thing.

excon

excon:

It is a relief to hear some-one else say that I am not abnormal. I am aware I am as unexperienced as it gets which I think fuels my fears as I am unsure what IS normal.

Hearing some-one think there's nothing weird about it is a first step to feeling more comfortable with myself as a sexual person I feel.

Thank you for the time and the reply.

S.

Dear Skaapie

I would like to start by telling you to not beat yourself up because of the masturbation. As excon said, everybody does it. (Actually, it is about 95% of the population, but that is beside the point) As far as your fear of your fetish, you need to let yourself be okay with what turns you on, as long as it is not hurting somebody else, then there is not a problem. I do know what you are going through with this because for years when I became sexually excited I would be turned on by things that normally I would find disgusting. The brain releases chemicals during intense sexual feelings that cuase you to forget about the things you would normally be so worried about. It looks like you could use some time to really get to know your inner workings, hopefully putting this question up will bring someone with similar experiences to your aid. I hope that some of this may be helpful to you.

Here is some advice to save your hand- get a toy! You might even feel more satisfied afterward. I don't know a single one of my female friends who doesn't have at least one vibrator so don't worry that there is something wrong in having one.

As for the UTI, just be extra clean and drink lots of water.

I don't think you have anything to worry about with your fantasies either. You don't need to be so harsh on yourself.

You are 21, you have to go out and live life!

Real sexual experiences will drive out all the fantasies you are having which are based on nothing real at this point.

Now, start living. :)

Relax and be patient with yourself, as your in a period of your life that needs experiences, to grow with, and know what it is you like, and dislike. No your not weird, just curious. I think the right toy may help, so try them all, to find the one that suits you best. Be patient, as you will find the right partner to learn with, or better, they will find you.

Your friend from the internet that is abusive needs to change her attitude fast. What a way to deal with an argument{pushing}. From what I've read, you seem very passive and you stated that she is a little abusive. I know you are a little lonely but alone is better then being abused, have you ever met a guy you were attracted to? You seem like you could use a really close (non abusive) friend to chat with. You are in art school? I bet there are tons of people who feel the same way you do there. I have a few artist friends and they are the most retro friendly outgoing kind folks I know. You must be a true artist to be attracted by it so well, I wish I appreciated my art that much! LOL... Regards

Sweetie you need to stop being so hard on yourself, masturbating is fine and hey, you can't get pregnant from loving yourself, unfortunately I don't think that you really do "love yourself" and that's why you feel so terrible. Is there a counsellor you can speak to at school, or maybe a teacher that you feel comfortable with? I really think you need to talk to someone about this in person, someone who can give you a hug and tell you that you're not crazy, just a normal kid going through some of the hurdles we all go through before we become adults. Don't be so hard on yourself, you sound like a nice person, and I'm sending you a hug right now, hope it helps a little bit. Take care.

To every-one whose replied so far:
I want to thank you all for taking time to read my long comment and take the time to reply <3
I should've gotten round to replying earlier but as I put it off here I go with a long post~

JJCj06: I had no idea the percentage was so high! I'm from a rather conservative country (Perhaps not insanely so but a lot more "proper" than America I have discovered) and so I've never really had anything as a basis of comparison. As for my fetish, I can at least say I have no worries about hurting any-one. I am an extremely empathetic person up to the point where it can get silly (Feeling bad for the plants in the biology lab at school? XD ) so I know that I would never hurt any-one. My fear was simply because it's not an every day turn on I would think and I was afraid it was abnormal. I will try to understand myself a little better, and put "beating myself up" :) aside until I understand myself better. Thank you for your answer

Templelane: I have thought about so before, I have even thought a water-resistant one would be best, but I am very shy to enter an adult store by myself, and I do not think my friend here in canada would be willing to come with as she's almost 2 years younger than I am and almost certainly less experienced than I am at these things. However I will try to see if I can arrange something with my best friend (a gay guy who would gets a kick out of kinky items simply for what they ARE not using them) so that we can go together as my support. I am nervous though also because I do not want my mother to know I would be doing such a thing, but also I do not like the idea of keeping something from her, but perhaps I simply feel so uneasy about that because I am far away from home and miss her very much at this specific time in life and do not want to do something to "push her further away" subconsciously or something. However, if it becomes crucial for my art and career I will just have to gather my courage and go alone if needs be. Thank you for reminding of this as I forgot it as an option to be perfectly honest, and thank you for the reply.

Choux: I have never had a boyfriend (as sad as that is) so I'm nervous of a relationship as I am afraid I would take it too seriously as I am inexperienced with how a relationship works. I do want to live life, very much so, I guess if nothing comes my way I will just have to go out there myself right? :) thanks for the reply

Talaniman: I have very high standards for myself and can be very hard on myself, so I will definitely try and keep in mind that I need more patience with myself and not expect a "quick fix". I forget that sometimes and expect myself to get the answer right away. It has been what feels very "long" to me. About 2 years now. I am young tough so to me 2 years feels like a very very long time. This is probably a very dumb question but does it take very long to truly understand a sexual growth period such as this? Is 2 years not as quick as I feel it to be? Thank you for your reply by the way, It made me remember not to be so hasty with answers

Greg Quin: I am slowly opening up to other people in my class luckily, I take a while to make friends as I tend to make long lasting ones. Me and my friend are slowly working things out between us. She was herself mentally abused by her father for most of her life so when some-one starts to yell and get in her face her reaction is to try and get them to back off. This isn't an excuse though but I feel I can at least understand her point of view. I feel we won't have another large scale argument like that again. However I do recognize the need to associate myself with other people. I can also say that if my friend should lash out at me again I will have to seriously rethink our friendship. It is hard though as being so far from home and her being my only real companion at this time it will be very very difficult for me to detach myself from her. But I know I have to look out for myself. I do feel me and my friend can work things out if we both take each other's emotions into consideration, but I am definitely trying to find other people to talk and spend time with here in Canada as well. Thank you for taking the time to reply~

Altenweg: I have recently become aware of this fact myself. I think it's due to a number of things, hearing myself put down all the time, having a very hard time with fitting in in a new country and feeling I'm not adjusting as fast as I'd like to has made it that I am unsure of who I am, it has also made me unsure if I like the person I have become. I feel I have lost my identity with having to conform so much to fit into a new society.
A friend of mine (not the one I argued with, a different one) also suggested I try and speak to a counselor (but for different reasons) perhaps I will, our school campus does have a counselor. I've never seen one before though and I can be rather defensive when it comes to speaking to such people as I feel they're analyzing everything I say. It's silly but it's just the reason I'm putting it off.
Thank you very much for the kind words and the time to reply *Hugs back* it really helps just to hear some-one else tell me I don't have a problem as I was in a very low mood when I posted the original question. Thank you once again~


And AGAIN, thank you to every-one who took the time to read and reply. Talking to people about something always helps me try and figure things out by hearing different opinions, but less analytically, it's just nice to not feel completely alone and unsure about something I have so little knowledge in. Than you every-one for your support! Xxx

S.