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    Cricket5166's Avatar
    Cricket5166 Posts: 2, Reputation: 1
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    #1

    Sep 9, 2007, 09:13 PM
    Son Verbally Abusive To Me
    My son just turned 30 and he and his wife live about 15 minutes away. They have a 2 1/2 year old boy, my grandson, that I love very much. I spend a lot of time with him and have even kept him over night. I have also been dating a man and we are now in an exclusive relationship. This weekend I was sick and had to cancel seeing my grandson because all I could do was throw up. My son wanted me to see him and my grandson Sunday but I had plans with my boyfriend and I couldn't cancel with him again. I had cancelled with him the last 2 times so I could see my son and grandson. Well, my son became verbally abusive with me when I told him I had plans already. He now says that I am no longer allowed to see my grandson because I blew him off Saturday and went and saw my boyfriend instead of spending the day with him and my grandson. He told me that I was a horrible mother and grandmother, and all kinds of horrible things. I have spent most of my life walking on egg shells when around my son because he becomes very angry with me if things are just right. My ex-husband was very physically and verbally abusive and have been out of that relationship for 2 years now, but now realize that my son has been abusing me since he was 16 years old! I can't let him tell me how to live my life anymore. He gets angry if I spend 2-4 hours with my grandson stating why I even bothered to visit if I can't be with him longer. I work full time and have a daughter with a daughter (granddaughter) and a boyfriend and don't see why I have to choose. I am always afraid to cancel with my son because of his reactions. I can't let him dictate how and when I do things in my life and since I'm not going to allow that anymore, I guess that means I loose out on seeing my grandson. I love him so much and I don't want loose what he and I have with each other but WON'T let my son control me, or verbally abuse me anymore. PLEASE, PLEASE HELP!

    Broken Hearted Grandmother
    phillysteakandcheese's Avatar
    phillysteakandcheese Posts: 973, Reputation: 356
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    #2

    Sep 10, 2007, 02:06 PM
    I think you are already doing the right things.

    It sounds like your son hasn't grown up yet (the temper tantrums), and worse, he's adopted many of the abusive behaviors he witnessed at home (verbal abuse).

    Remain open to your son and grandson - talk to them, tell them you love them, visit them as you can.

    Continue to assert yourself - Be clear and honest that you have your own life and it doesn't constantly revolve around him.

    Most importantly - Identify to him when his behavior is abusive, and refuse to tolerate it.

    Beyond these - It's up to your son. He is an adult and is making his own choices. You can't make him treat you in a respectable manner, but you can refuse to accept his childish and abuse behavior.
    terrylee227's Avatar
    terrylee227 Posts: 1, Reputation: 1
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    #3

    Oct 29, 2010, 10:03 PM
    Listen, the most important thing that you need to know is that when a MAN is a MAN and he teaches his son to be a MAN... You would never have that type of behavior. Unless, that father has caused that son to resent him for some reason and he fears his son's anger!. So, if he does not respect his father, he will not respect you and farther more, if his FATHER is guilty, he will NOT demand that his son respect you out of guilt or fear also, now that his son is grown and may be a possible threat... That is why his son feels so confident in pointing his finger in your face in front of your HUSBAND, and your HUSBAND can just suggest that you all knock it off... Lady, he saw a nice opportunity to live some what of a normal life with you, (forgetting about his past) even thought he has bailed out on being a role model for his SON!! I HAPPEN TO BE THE MOTHER OF THREE GROWN SONS who would never point their fingers in their father's wife's face unless provoked by their father's behavior or lack of, because they would then have to deal with ME. One is a U.S.Marine, the other is U.S. Army and my youngest is an Engineer .
    Aprilshowers44's Avatar
    Aprilshowers44 Posts: 28, Reputation: 10
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    #4

    Feb 14, 2011, 09:41 AM
    You need to write your son a letter and explain that the anger and verbal abuse comes from what he witnessed as a child. Ask him if he wants his son to grow up with his father being that way as well. Unfortunately he won't change overnight and not be angry, because it is all he knows. You will have to tell him that you are not there for his convenience but you are there (when you can be) to spend time with them and if no some reason you can't be there then he has to accept it. Tough love... but grandparents have RIGHTS, you can get visitation but you would have to go to court. Give your son time to cool off and try a nicely worded letter expressing how you miss your grandson and him but you have your own life and are not to be treated like you don't.
    sunshine2011's Avatar
    sunshine2011 Posts: 1, Reputation: 1
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    #5

    Mar 21, 2011, 08:36 AM
    My son is 29 and is very verbally abusive also. He lives with me, his girlfriend and 2 year old daughter. I do everything for them. His girlfriend doesn't lift a finger to do any cleaning or cooking. I feel like I am a maid, servant, cook and babysitter. I love my granddaughter to death but cannot tolerate the verbal abuse any more (name calling, yelling and screaming over nothing). Example, last night I cooked dinner and called my son up to feed his daughter (usually I do it). He finally came up after being called a couple of times and plopped himself down on the couch. I told him twice that she wanted a drink. When he didn't get up, I got up and got her a drink... He finally got up and started screaming that I was a weirdo, etc. etc. He is also verbally abusive with his girlfriend as well. His dad definitely is NOT a verbally abusive person.. hes more quiet and laid back. This abuse goes on on an almost daily basis. I don't want to kick him out because I am worried that I won't see my granddaughter but I can't take it any more. It is interferring with my sleep and my life.
    ttracy1961's Avatar
    ttracy1961 Posts: 1, Reputation: 1
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    #6

    Jul 24, 2012, 05:05 AM
    I had a very abusive marriage with my children's father for 17 years. My girls saw what was going on but my sons refuse to acknoledge there was any abuse. I am divorced and remarried but he is an alcoholic. I did my youngest son wrong when he was in the Army and now he is expecting a dauhgter with his fiancée soon. I confided some things to her which she prompted told my son and I got a screaming,cussing,tirade on the phone the other night. Now he fefuses to talk to me and it's my fault. I am disabled and now I can't sleep,eat and feel like part of my soul has been ripped out. I raised those kids by myself with no help. But somehow their Dad is the hero and I am the one who made all the mistakes. Can someone tell me why?
    anguillara's Avatar
    anguillara Posts: 1, Reputation: 1
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    #7

    Aug 15, 2012, 06:05 AM
    Hi. My partner is being verbally abused by his 19-year-old daughter. She controls him, demands to be the centre of his life, at her permanent beck and call: insults him, "punishes" him for everything and anything (not doing whatever she's ordered quick enough. Chipping in to her monologue at meal-times. Making a joke. Not understanding that a comment - e.g.. "I'm in Didcot" was in fact an order to come and drive for an hour to pick her up. Giving her a trainfare rather than taxi-ing her to somewhere two hours' drive away - "because you know I hate trains"). He justifies and excuses everything she does "because I wasn't there for her for the first two years of her life before we were able to adopt her and so she's fragile and she needs me."
    She breaks everything he gives her, then demands new ones: she's acting stressed at the idea that he's together with me ("and I have to be there for her, because I'm her only point of stability and she needs me") so has gone - in 24 hours - from planning to spend the rest of our lives together to explaining why, since his daughter can't cope with change, we can't be together "just while she's going through this crisis"...
    And I don't know what to do or how to help. If it were an abusive parent, or spouse, it's "simple" - but this is an abusive CHILD who has apparently always been that manipulative and utterly self-centred, who IS fragile and DOES need help: and he just takes all the abuse she throws at him and believe that he must somehow have deserved it because she tells him so and because he couldn't protect her before she was adopted!

    Help!!

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