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chancey5 · Jun 8, 2007, 09:52 AM

My husband and I have been married almost 12 years and have 3 beautiful kids. At one time I was really in love with him and I still love him, maybe not in love with him. For the past 3 1/2 years there has been a lot of arguing between us and my kids have seen to mouch of it. He has never hit me but has put his hands on me threathing to do so and pushed me down. Been more verbal abuse toward me more then anything. He has done the same as others promised to do better or go to counesling but it never has happen. Now that I have hit rock bottom he all of a sudden realizes there is a problem. I told him you can only chip at someone so long before they fall and break. I wonder at times where he has been when the fighting has gone on and I'm done fighting. I go to bed and sometimes that doesn't work he still wants to talk as he puts it or I have left the last couple of times before I snap and end up in a mental hospital for a few days. Now he gets mad at me and says I'm not trying to work on the marriage, but I have lost my fight to do it any more. I'm always wondering when will it start again. Most of the times I believe I just want out, cause I can't do it anymore(fight for my marriage, I've done it for 3 1/2 yrs... not him). I can't go around feeling like this, I want to be happy again, for my kids and me. I feel miserable and just want to break down.

HELP!! :( :( :( :( :(

chancey5 · Jun 11, 2007, 07:10 AM

Originally Posted by chancey5

My husband and I have been married almost 12 years and have 3 beautiful kids. At one time I was really in love with him and I still love him, maybe not in love with him. For the past 3 1/2 years there has been alot of arguing between us and my kids have seen to mouch of it. He has never hit me but has put his hands on me threathing to do so and pushed me down. Been more verbal abuse toward me more then anything. He has done the same as others promised to do better or go to counesling but it never has happen. Now that I have hit rock bottom he all of a sudden realizes there is a problem. I told him you can only chip at someone so long before they fall and break. I wonder at times where he has been when the fighting has gone on and I'm done fighting. I go to bed and sometimes that doesn't work he still wants to talk as he puts it or I have left the last couple of times before I snap and end up in a mental hospital for a few days. Now he gets mad at me and says I'm not trying to work on the marriage, but I have lost my fight to do it any more. I'm always wondering when will it start again. Most of the times I believe I just want out, cause I can't do it anymore(fight for my marriage, I've done it for 3 1/2 yrs... not him). I can't go around feeling like this, I want to be happy again, for my kids and me. I feel miserable and just want to break down.

HELP!!!!!!!!!!:( :( :( :( :(

Help, Please

ordinaryguy · Jun 11, 2007, 01:20 PM

Make an appointment with a marriage counsellor and inform him of the time and place. If he shows up ready to get serious about saving the marriage, great. If not, do the counselling for yourself to help get clear about your feelings, desires, and your options for your future without him.

startover22 · Jun 11, 2007, 01:26 PM

Yes, ordinaryguy has the best solution. I think I would snap and break at this point too. I am sorry you are going through this. Definitely some marriage counseling, if he doesn't show, then there is your answer. Let us know how you are getting along... Hugs and good luck to you!

mcnt4g · Jun 12, 2007, 08:47 PM

I know what you're going through, my husband and I have been married for 14 years with 4 daughters, he is not abusive physically, but is verbal, I like you tried for a long time to save m marriage 8 years finally I did break, I got depressed and thought of suicide to get out. That's when I woke up and had a couple good friends and a counselor that all said I need to find myself and asked the question would I want my children growing up thinking that this is how marriage is. I tried the whole counseling thing he showed for one session when he did not hear what he wanted he said that he never would go back, when asked if he would try to change somethngs (drinking less, getting up before 2pm, helping out around the house) his answer was no what was wrong with all of that, that is when I realized it was done. We have been separated for 2 1/2 months and I served him with divorce papers, I have not been this happy nor has my daughters in years.

So I hope you now know that you are not alone, you need to go to counseling like everybody said, set some limits if he really wants the marriage then he will try to make it work. GOD BLESS

JoeCanada76 · Jun 12, 2007, 09:15 PM

Marriage counseling is most important at this time. This is the most important step to make before making any decision of leaving or for staying. I hope everything works out for everybody involved.

grammadidi · Jun 12, 2007, 10:12 PM

You have been giving and loving and trying for so long that you have reached your limit. You are exhausted. You are on the edge of breaking down emotionally and you need support. I urge you to find a therapist/counsellor immediately! I know it's hard, but along with the work you will gain support, thus strength. As ordinaryguy said, you can tell hubby that you have made the appointment and would like him to come. Tell him that you are tired of working on the marriage alone and fighting with him. Tell him there are two options - he either comes to the appontments and you both use the sessions to save your marriage, or he doesn't come to the appointments and you use your sessions to learn how to separate yourself - mentally, emotionally and physically.

I believe that there are only two reasons to give up on/end a marriage - infidelity and/or abuse. So, if you are being abused then you should not only get involved with a good therapist, but you should start making a plan to get out immediately. If he is unfaithful then you should kick him out. Otherwise, as long as he attends sessions with you I suggest you give the relationship 3 months to determine if it's worth keeping. If he misses even one session (and make sure he is aware of this) then end it as soon as you are able.

If he is serious about making this work he will attend each session and you will no longer be the only one working to keep this marriage together. Because you do love him I believe that with a good counsellor you will begin to feel that you want to stay in the relationship within 3 to 8 weeks. You may want to also get some individual counselling if your husband does opt to participate in the marriage counselling.

I hope this helps. Look after you, now.

Hugs, Didi