[bobby1972]

I had the most devastating argument with my 17 year old son yesterday. He told me that he hates me, everything about me, who I am, the way I do things. I appreciate it was said in the heat of the moment but I know he pretty much meant it.
I love him with all my heart - so much it hurts and yet I am horrible to him. I know I am. We have the hugest fights over nothing when I say things a mother should never say to her child. His father and I divorced years ago and I have raised him and his sister on my own. He moved countries not long after we divorced and was very sporadic about contacting the kids until eventually we heard nothing. That was 3 years ago. I have heard through the grapevine that he blames them for not contacting him. While I know this is crazy as he is the adult I do also feel that he will drag me into it when the time comes for him to make his excuses to the children. To be honest I was pretty horrible to him - admittedly the marriage wasn't perfect and he was horrible to me to but his was more with mind games than outright.
My son said yesterday that as soon as he is finished school (at the end of next year) he wants to leave home- and the country (he was planning on going to college but won't now) because he can't stand to be around me. What concerns me is that those are the same things my husband said when he left so it seems like I have just gone and made the same mistakes again. I just want to know if there is anything I can do to salvage this relationship - I lost my husband because of 'who I am' and now it seems I will lose my son too. I can see now the husband wasn't too great a loss but I can't imagine not having my boy in my life.

[starbuck8]

What are these things that you've done that you consider to be so horrible? My guess if that he is actually angry with his Dad. Since he is young, and can't see the whole situation, and the sacrifices you've made to raise him and his sister, that he is lashing out at you, when in fact it was his Dad that left his life. He has probably got an unrealistic image in his head about how it would be a warm and fuzzy reunion with his Dad, when in fact, that probably won't be the case. He is probably thinking that his Dad will go to baseball games with him, take him fishing, do father and son things, and so on.

I have first hand experience with this. My son (step) moved here to Canada to be with his Dad. His Dad had very little to do with his children at all. Didn't pay child support, didn't call the kids, didn't so much as send a B'day or C'mas card. My son came here with great expectations, and he was also treating his Mother very badly.

Well sorry to say, my "son" got a real wake up call. Sure it was fun for a little while, but that's all it was, a little while. Dad treated him like a buddy, and then went back to his normal life.

My "son" was so hurt, he moved back to England, started doing bad things, and hanging out with the wrong crowd. Two days ago, he was sentenced to 2 yrs in prison.

Now he is counting on his Mum, and Me to support him. He was always such a good boy, but because of his Dad's lack of interest, he lashed out, and got himself into a heap of trouble.

All I can tell you, is to try and not take what he says personally. He's making you the fall guy right now, because he thinks you're to blame for his Dad leaving. Don't let that weigh on your shoulders. You did your best, when you were all alone. Keep you head up! Your son will eventually realise all you've done for him. :)

[cissy0801]

I'm sure you're doing the best that you can :)

Honestly, no child would SERIOUSLY hate their mothers and I think you should sit down and talk to him and apologize and tell him what you wrote. He might not believe you but you know, that no matter what I am sure deep down he still really loves you. I think this is the time where he REALLY needs your support and you should be giving it to him and not have fights.

When you do have fights, I reckon you should calm down and take a few breathes and not get to heaped up and all this and that.

:)

[bobby1972]

Thanks for your responses. He is not the one lashing out however and more often than not just takes it when I rant and rave at him. Sometimes I wonder whether this infuriates me even more. Still no justification. My boy has been away for the last few days and is due back tonight. I am planning on sitting down with him tomorrow and apologising for a start. From there he and I both need to work out a plan going forward. I know I need to work on my issues but what I need from him is for him to tell me when he thinks I am being unreasonable. I realise I am the adult but I also think we all have different levels of tolerance and if I offend him I need him to tell me. Is this realistic and should I be putting that responsibility on him?