This story is long and complicated. But I will say as best I can What I feel is important. I am scared to tell any else in my life.
My friend was a tortured soul. He had a history of sexual abuse and was addicted to Heroin, as well as ecstasy. He had issues with mental illness and was on a range of different medications. He told me that he had once had an exorcism and believed in demons and angels. He moved away from the suburbs anfd into a lonely flat above a shop in a country town. One day he came to visit me, He was on heroin. I was angry at him and drove him home. In the car he told me that he was feeling lonely and wanted to die. I gave him some phone numbers of friends and told him to call them and hang out to get away. I called him a couple of days later to see how he was but no answer on his phone. I got a call while I was at work that he died. I asked if it was suicide but everyone was adamant that it was not. The coroner said cause of death unknown. He was 30 yrs old. I was at work a week later when I got a call to say where was I, I was missing his funeral. I quickly got into the car and drove over there just to see everyone walking out. I was upset at having missed out. I went for a drink afterwards and a Girl Who I liked at the time, Like a crush kind of thing, pretty intense. Spent the whole day with me. Talking and being nice. I Felt she was really flirting with me. At the end of the day she hugged me and said.
"you're Good, call me if you want to talk about anything'

I was over the moon.

But in the coming week when I called she did a complete you turn. I asked her out about 4 times but she wouldn't answer wouldn't say yes or no. just to meet for a coffee or something. I was really sad over my friends death and thought she would be there for me. But she completely rejected me. I was really upset and told her so in no uncertain terms saying she was heartless and a and could she treat a human this way.
She told me to stop disrespecting her and never to contact her again. I was homicidally furious!! It still makes me mad and gives me a flood of emotion when I think about it 2 years later.

I began to her a voice in my head which was her voice. She was abusing me, calling me an idiot and a wanker. Saying I am an and evil. I had a dream about my dead friend that he came in through my bedroom window as a spirit and tried to enter my body through my chest, but I wouldn't let him in because he was angry. He grew fangs like a vampire and hovered in the corner of my room. That was 2 years ago. I was really inexpressibly angry at this girl and kept hearing her voice in my head abusing me. I am hearing it now as I type. I had a complete breakdown and moved back into my parents house. I kept getting headaches and felt relly destructive urges to harm. I kept hearing this voice in my head. Which I think is a spirit. Calling me names like wanker and and saying that I'm evil and no one will ever love me. But now sometimes it says I'm beautiful and wants to be my friend. I keep getting the urge to cry uncontrollably, sometimes at work. Yesterday I sat down alone at home and just started crying. I lost my job because the boss was said to me I just don't fit in, and always look tired. I am trying to relate to people but am scared to tell my story. The worst thing. I kept hearing this girls voice saying I am a wanker, I was really depressed and when I had an erection I grabbed my cock in anger and tore a few ligaments it was really painful.. I was in pain for about six months no one knows this has happened. I keep feeling scared that I can't get an erection now. That's really embarrassing for me to say and can't believe the state of mind I was in to do that!

There are a few women in my life that I like but am really scared that I will not perform sexually or that they will reject me. . 3 years ago I had a girlfriend was living in my own place and had a job. I have seen a psychiatrist but he is only interested in medicating me. He doesn't touch upon what I feel are the real issues of how my life experiences have led me to this state. So I stopped my meds and am going to handle things on my own come what may. I really HATE! That girl at my friends funeral and feel that this started my fall. I am still hearing the es voice, now she keeps saying that she's sorry and didn't realise what she did. I have never felt the urge to kill ever in my life but with her I did and when I got the feeling it really scared me.
I have met a group of christians and they are nice. I have told them that I have been labelled schizophrenic and they accept me. I keep getting the urge to cry uncontrollably, last night I was on a real buzz and kept pacing and pacing. I just kept repeating to myself over and over that I am a beautiful person. And it did seem to make me happy.
What I would really satisfy me is to be in an intimate loving relationship with a sincere, Intelligent beautiful woman, by beauty I don't just mean body but soul.
I am scared of my future and that I will die alone. I have recently begun to have visions like flashes of white light from a divine source. I feel like a spirit is following me and watching me and I am open to it. It is a source of comfort. Deep down I really feel that I hate myself. But I know I am a good person and someone should love me.
I am really scared sometimes. No one really understands.
I am alone.
I feel like I need an exorcism or something even though I don't go for religion all that much and the concept is completely alien to my way of life. I have so much going on inside me which has no social outlet.
One day I will just pour myself out to someone and cry and cry and cry.

Hopefully they will accept me.
That's the last 2 years of my life.
Rock bottom
I love all of you.
I know its not really a question.
But please share your thoughts.

Your story is a sad one, but I think its good that you shared and hopefully saying all this will help you to relieve a bit of what I think is a heavy burden. I can understand where your psychiatrist is coming from with the medication and although meds do get a lot of bad reputation, I would suggest that you consider it. On thee other hand I can see where your coming from wanting to deal withit by yourself, so then you know that when you get through this (and you will) you'll have defeated it by yourself, but maybe the medication could give you some support so that you can still overcome and surpass this stage in your life, like a tag team partener in a wrestling match. I was once told by a very good friend of mine that you sometimes have to hit rock bottom before you can start rising back up, and if you have hit rock bottom then the only way now is up. I don't know much about exorcism except from movies but if you believe that it will help you then I think its it a good idea. All togeather I think that this girl is a factor in the grand scheme of things and sensing that she is a more prominent event has attracted a lot of negative feelings, I'm not saying she doesn't deserve them but I agree that she is a rather big issue and that you should find someone to help you deal with that. So they are my thoughts on what you have said and although you may or maynot agree they are just something's to think about.

Your writing is quite compelling... I felt like I was starting a story by Dostoievsky, my friend.

The only salvation from paranoid schizophrenia is through finding the right medication. Otherwise, one stays afflicted with the worst disease in the history of mankind. I want to encourage you to get medicated and stay medicated. You have to have someone guide you, a therapist, so you can learn to decrease your reactions to your paranoid thoughts... eventually not to react at all.

You have to know that you did not kill your friend... many people overestimate their power and influence over other adults. Sick people die, and die young. Some people suicide to punish others.

My very best wishes to you,

You have a medical condition, not any less serious than any other condition that requires medication in order to balance your system. You cannot treat diabetes by withholding insulin, why would you think that you can control schizophrenia without medication.

It is pretty clear that the obsessive compulsive thoughts that have plagued you for over two years now, based on the compassionate, probably innocent actions of a kind woman trying to comfort you, is not functioning in a healthy way. You hear her voice both belittling you, and then as you wrote your question, asking for forgiveness. You have created an entire person here that does not exisit in your life, except for one day, two years ago.

I realize that you are not thinking clearly, and are afraid to talk about this to anybody, but posting anonymously here is not going to help you. You need to confide in your doctor everything that you have said, and are feeling, and follow his advice. You cannot get well on your own, and I suspect you will eventually come to that conclusion yourself.

While it is a sad situation, and I really do sympathise with you, the best thing you can do is take care of yourself by seeing your psychiatrist again.

Thank you.
You have allowed me to confess which is a great relief.
A just had a long conversation with a good friend of mine and she has me convinced that my own head seems to be making things a lot worse than they seem. I think a lot of my guilt and shame has been lifted through sharing and I feel more able to let the world in.

Thanks.

Good for you ewrat! It is good to hear that you've talked to your friend and you're feeling better.

All the best to you.

Hearing voices inside your head of any kind sounds like skitzophrenia. Consider trying a different medication to treat your illness and see a therapist regularly. This is not going to go away simply because you will it to and think you can handle it on your own, which obviously, you have not had any success with. These symptoms are serious and can lead to other mental illness and I would strongly suggest you get some help with these issues.