My boyfriend/partner is going through a very rough time and has had suicidal thoughts. When he gets like that, he feels that there is nothing good in his life and nothing will ever get better. He doesn't "hear" me when I tell him I love him and will stand by him and I think he's a wonderful person. He thinks he's a rotten person when in these moods. Yesterday he told me, in all seriousness, that I could put 99% of my marbles in this basket (our relationship continuing and growing into a forever "marriage"), but that I should save 1 marble out just in case he couldn't handle all this and had to "take himself out". He's leaving suicide in the mix of his options at this point! Even when he's in a good mood. This terrifies me! I don't know what I can do to help, if anything. I've told him he can call me night or day and I'll come be with him(we live about an hour from each other). I told him I will do whatever it takes to help him get through this. I guess I'm just looking for advice from someone who has dealt with a suicidal person and how I should respond to him and what I should do or say or not, when he's in the actual suicidal mood. It's only happened twice since we've been together (a year), but he is reaching some crises points in his life right now, and I'm afraid the frequency may increase.

Help please, even if it's just to share experiences.

Is he willing to accept your support and guidance? I have little experience in this area.. but would suggest you seek some professional help for him and soon. Is he open to this idea? Don't wait till the next episode.. work on this while he (and you) are at a point of strength. You will see some excellent posts on this board from others who really "know" this subject. You have taken the first step... good for you.

As hard as it may be for him, its really worth his while to seek professional help. I have and it has made a HUGE difference in my life. It's the difference between surviving and living, and I mean to tell you BIG DIFFERENCE!

Now with that said, let me also tell you that although suicide still comes up on my "options" list periodically, it has over the years become increasingly harder to seriously consider. I have become more and more connected to loving people who would be terribly hurt by this and I am better at reaching out for help when needed too. Practice makes it easier.

He is suffering needlessly in doing the "going-it-alone desperado thing", so please try to talk him into taking some action. If he is open to it and not sure how to find someone, look in the front of your phone directory for a suicide hotline and start there, even though its not an emergency at the moment.

There is NO shame is seeking help. And it really beats missing out on the joy of life or ending up hurting or worse, dead. If he needs to talk further or has questions specific to what is said here, we are here for him too. Who knows, perhaps I survived the two attempts I made so I could help another not make a permanent mistake like I almost did, yikes!

Thank you for both of your answers. I would dearly love for him to seek professional help. He was in therapy a few years ago and was doing well, and there was an insurance snafu and he couldn't see the same therapist. It took him a long time to find her. He wants to get help, but right now, his biggest enemy is lack of time and resources. It's complicated and I know what I would say if someone were telling me this. "If he really wanted help he would find the time". Yes, but part of the suicidal thoughts are because he is so behind in his business and thinks he'll never get caught up, so he doesn't want to take time out to do counseling. It's a hard situation. That's why I am just trying to limp him along emotionally with what little I can offer in the way of support and the "right" things to say, until he gets out of this major crunch and either gets better on his own, or finally has some time to do counseling again.

Priorities are always tricky things. It may be however that he will have to take care of himself first and all other things second or risk learning the lesson the hard way, so both of you be careful, okay? Know when to yell "UNCLE" and do something NOW - damn the time, damn the money, damn the insurance.

I'll certainly admit, it is nice to know I am not the only one who has gone through these things... I have experienced time and time again - EXACTLY the same situations you described with my girlfriend. What I have done throughout our time together is continually remind her that she is loved and offer to help her in any way I can possibly help, whether it's exercising to relieve stress or just talking about some tough subjects... that always makes her feel better.

But if things do get serious, please don't be afraid to get help... I have already rushed her to a local hospital because things got that bad... but if you continue to be there for him and show your love for him and get him professional help, there is hope and if you stick by him he will appreciate it so much in the future and thank you for it!

Best luck, from somebody who has been through the same things... feel free to e-mail if you wish!

Hi Felidae,
First off, I truly commend you for staying together and helping him through these difficult times in his life. It's refreshing to see someone express the more commonly neglected aspects of love. Cherishing through the slightly more "bad" times as well as the truly good.
All the answers you have received are excellent. I can personally relate as well on many different levels. I, myself, have waged a near life-long battle with chronic depression. Now at age 35, having dealt with it for roughly a quarter of a century. Growing up, during my adolescence, I spent a good deal of time in out of private psychiatric hospitals, and have encountered more such episodes than I care to recount. I as well lost a good school friend to a quite unexpected suicide a couple of years back.
It sounds very much like your boyfriend is bordering on a clinical depression. The one thing I would like to relate about what you've said, is that, though he undoubtedly understands and truly cherishes and appreciates your love, his view of things may be very much skewed or biased at this time, and he may theoretically feel to a greater or lesser degree, undeserving of your love. He may well in fact feel that you somehow deserve "better", or that he is at times a "burden", for lack of a more compassionate term. Of course this is not at all the case, but you do need to be aware that he may well feel this way, at least at times.
I'm very glad to hear you expressing the things that everyone very much needs to hear. Continue to remind him periodically, though if he does seem like he isn't hearing your kind and loving words, try just being with him and giving him a bit of mental space in order to sort through a few of his likely conflicting emotions. Your simple presence will mean everything to him. Just sit with him and hold his hand, give him a hug, try showing him your love by cooking him a nourishing meal, and do try to keep the conversation generally light. When he feels the time is right to reach out emotionally, he most certainly will. It is very much like what British psychoanalyst D.W. Winnicott classically described as a "holding environment." Winnicott primarily worked with children and recognized that, while children need adquate space to play and explore, as a necessary facility in developing a healthy sense of individuality, yet the parent need be close enough in order that the child need not fear abandonment. It's essentially a healthy limbo or interstitial space between overnurturing and a sense of being lost. Given the need for depressed people to struggle with their often rapidly changing emotional states, this is often a relatively good approach. Often, as with children, it is their simplest needs that most urgently need attending to, and the things that ultimately mean the most. This could very well be an interesting case of "actions speak louder than words." Though he may right now be very competent in maintaining his complex social and career obligations and interactions, ultimately it is likely to be the smallest daily routines that become difficult or neglected.
Continue to do everything you have been doing. You're doing absolutely awesome. But realize that, paradoxically, verbally reminding him too often of certain things during his more depressive periods, could in some cases further his sense of isolation. People like to feel equal in relationships, and he may very well feel that he can't possibly match, accommodate or "compete" with what you have to offer, in his current mental state. This is again, of course, very untrue, but he may well not be able to assess his current situation as accurately as you. With your continued help, love and support, he will get through this though. And your relationship will hopefully become all that much stronger for the experience.
One final note. I do agree very much will all the other posts. Professional counseling does need to become an utmost priority. Though many threats of suicide are often cries for help, as more "serious" cases tend to reach out less, yet, the nature of such is very unpredictable, and the tide can shift dramatically in a very short period. Many people, once truly committed to following through with an attempt, often exhibit almost an exuberance or deep inner peace, perceiving that a potential end to their suffering is in sight. If you live in the U.S. many cities and towns do have some sort of community mental health center, where lower cost therapy or payment plans may be available. Please don't let him defer getting treatment any longer though. It will be a great relief for both of you.
I wish you the best of luck and future happiness in your wonderful and caring relationship, and I do hope you'll keep us updated. Take care. :)

Dear Felidae,

I too must congratulate you with your commitment to help your boyfriend. It is always very difficult to understand how it feels to be depressed. I cannot be explained, because it is unexplainable in terms of logic. This is why depressed people have difficulties expressing their feelings because everybody expects - including the depressed person himself- that there must be an explanation.

It is unfortunate that we live in a an age where people with depression are given only two options; 1) drug therapy and/or 2) psychotherapy.

Drug therapy has not a good reputation of solving depression. It is basically palliative treatment and fails to address the underlying causes of why the person is depressed.

People look to psychotherapy for possible answers in the belief that mental illness, as the term implies, is a disease of the mind. It is expected to respond to talk therapy, which far too often it does not!

But if the disease is physical - as I believe it is in most cases - then of course talk therapy cannot be expected to cure the physical illness.

There is in fact a much simpler explanation for depression. Most people with depression have been found to be hypoglycemic according to four hour Medical Test for Hypoglycemia. It can also be tested with the Nutrition Behavior Inventory Test (NBI) . If you score high you are likely to be hypoglycemic.

Hypoglycemia means low blood sugar levels - an unfortunate term - because the syndrome (for which there is not as yet a proper medical label) is more like unstable blood sugar levels going up and down. The syndrome is caused by Insulin Resistance, which means that the brain, dependent on energy, will be starved of energy despite possible high blood sugar levels.

The brain is totally dependent on Biological Energy called (ATP) to energize the biochemical machinery of the brain. This is derived from the sugars we eat in our diet. Without it it cannot manufacture the feel-good neurotransmitters such as serotonin.

Thus people with insulin resistance cannot produce sufficient energy to produce the feel good neurochemicals in the brain. This leads to depression.

Having no conscious control over one's feelings and emotions, this would necessarily affect one's self-image. Thus having a low self-esteem is not always due to "bad parents", or bad "childhood experiences" hidden in a supposedly "subconscious mind".

The idea that there is something wrong with the mind is based on the erroneous but popular notion that all forms of mental illness is due to a "sick mind".

There is nothing wrong with your boyfriend's mind, but there may be something wrong with your boyfriend's ability to manufacture feel-good hormones due to a nutritional illness that is not recognized.

Moreover having regard to your boyfriend's financial situation, the good news is that it is within your boyfriend's power to help himself to a great degree without the help of professionals. Of course I feel that he needs to be helped by a professional, but nutritional therapy is basically self-help treatment. He will find that going on a hypoglycemic diet will make him feel better within one to three months.

The universal treatment for depression is going on a healthy natural high protein diet that includes all the ingredients necessary in serotonin production.

The Hypoglycemic Diet is specifically designed to overcome hypoglycemia and aims at normalizing stress hormones and excess insulin production.

Please read:

Depression is a Nutritional Disorder

Depression: a Disease of Energy Production

And discuss this with a Nutritional Doctor or a Clinical Nutritionist.

There are a host of other medical conditions that can contribute to depression. A Clinical Nutritionist is trained to spot this and refer such cases to specialist medical doctors.

This is a fairly new model for the treatment of depression and victims of depression and their partners should devote some time to familiarize the nutritional biochemistry of this illness.