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    leolady101's Avatar
    leolady101 Posts: 4, Reputation: 1
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    #1

    Dec 1, 2012, 08:29 AM
    Is it normal to feel this hurt? I feel like I'm breaking down
    Basically I don't know where to start. I feel defeated and I'm only 17 I feel like my life is horrible. My mother causes me a lot of pain emotionally and sometimes physically since I could remember she's always hitting me for the smallest reasons. I went out with my guy friend and when I came home she took my phone and began to read all of my texts messages (I didn't text anything inappropriate so I wasn't worried) however I was annoyed because literally as soon as I came in the door she calls me a and a whore (im a virgin literally) and because I asked her to stop calling me names she takes a huge glass bottle (about the size of a wine bottle) and she chases me trying to bust me in the head with it.

    I cried so bad and for the first time I told her this time I'm calling the police because now I'm old enough to know that what she's doing isn't discipline that's abuse. She then manages to twist my words around and makes it seem like I'm crazy and out of control. Whenever she gets upset at me (everyday) she calls me a , a slut, a dumbass, worthless and all sorts of things ( I'm crying while I'm typing this btw)

    My father passed away when I was a new born and I have no siblings and since I could remember my mom always scared me into venting because she said ill go to an adoption home and no one will want me ill be alone forever basically. I try to suck it up and act like everythings okay but I'm starting to see how its affecting me in other aspects.

    I continue to attract men who are unhealthy often times very abusive emotionally. In all honestly I never had a male figure who loved me or guided me in the right direction I honestly feel like I'm a loser and deep down inside I don't feel like I'm worth anything. I often look sad and people tell me I'm pretty and I have a great personality but inside I'm always hurting because everyday my mom plays with my mind.

    I know her personality isn't normal and seeing her change her personality when she's around her boyfriend makes me sick to my stomach. Her boyfriend has 3 kids of his own and they are well taken care of. He can afford college for the 3 of them (their mother passed away) and my mom sympathizes for them but not me. One of the siblings is only two years younger than me and she always tells me how he needs a mother figure in his life (even though he has family and he did have his mother for a long time) however she never mentioned anything about me needing a father figure (which is probably why I find myself trying to date older guys because I feel like I need to fill that gap in) when she talks to me about them I can see her light up and get so happy but whenever I want to talk to her about my future and my goals she always act like I'm bs her and when she's mad or thinks I'm not paying attention she makes references like "oh your just a bum, your not going to do anything" or "im so embarrassed of you thats why i dont do things with you" Im not rich I don't have a lot of money but I am trying to attend community college until I can pull up to something better. No I didn't go to a private school nor am I popular.

    At my age she was popular she had all the boys wanting her.. she got invited to everything cool rich guys wanted her and she was engaged to my father and pregnant with me at 19. Me? I was never popular, got invited to a party twice, most guys like me for the wrong reasons and I only had hmm maybe 3 boyfriends in my entire life so far. I dated here and there but nothing too crazy. She makes fun of the way I talk, my boyfriend for being asian (she'll mimic a asian accent even though he's born and raised here) She will point out my flaws, call me names, treat me like I'm dumb, and basically make me feel like I should kill myself.

    When she's not in her crazy mood she will act like nothing happened and she never apologizes to me and she would ask me things like "why dont you tell me anything" Or she will "play hit me" and it hurts I can't tell you how many bruises I got. I feel like something happened to me when I was a small child and I can't remember because I sometimes get random panic attacks and I find myself being scared a lot.. not the "yikes you scared me" but the type of scared that's so tragic it still scars me to this day.

    I know that when I finally get the chance to move out a burden will be lifted off me but I'm afraid of my future. I love children and I do want kids one day I could never do that to them especially my future daughter but I'm afraid of the men I'm picking out and finding myself attracted to. I don't really know what real love feels like because I never been loved properly. Its hard for me to tell wrong from right sometimes and I'm just afraid ill end up dead.

    Someone please help me.
    joypulv's Avatar
    joypulv Posts: 21,593, Reputation: 2941
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    #2

    Dec 1, 2012, 08:46 AM
    I sympathize and empathize. I didn't have it as bad as you in some ways, but it sure felt like it. I did have a sweet although distant father. All I know as that I grew up feeling despised by my mother, for reasons I later found out had nothing to do with any of us. I think you will too, someday. I struggled all my 66 years over this.

    My advice is to stop trying to find love from a man for many years, until you have a better sense of who you are and of yourself worth. That sounds corny but it's true; it's just hard to define. There won't be a magic 'I'm OK, a good person, I love myself' eureka moment, and you may always have a tough time with relationships and love.
    My second advice is to plan now for getting away from home the day you graduate (next spring?) That means saving babysitting money or an after school job, checking out the community college and shared cheap apartments, and part time work or scholarships or both. Even a situation near the college where you could spend the summer caring for an elderly person or some kids, followed by courses in the fall. If you have a good guidance counselor, ask for a good talk.
    Wondergirl's Avatar
    Wondergirl Posts: 37,884, Reputation: 5429
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    #3

    Dec 1, 2012, 08:52 AM
    For someone who feels defeated, you definitely have a good grasp of what is wrong is your life! You are very introspective and would probably make a very good counselor.

    When will you be 18? Do you have plans for more schooling or some kind of training or certificate after high school?
    hheath541's Avatar
    hheath541 Posts: 2,762, Reputation: 584
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    #4

    Dec 1, 2012, 04:04 PM
    You need to leave as soon as you can. Do you have family or friends that you can live with once you turn 18, at least until you can afford your own place? Getting away from an abusive situation doesn't fix everything, but it does remove the immediate cause.

    If at all possible (or at some point in the future) you should seek therapy. That will help you overcome a lot of the after effects of abuse. It may even help you figure out what happened when you were younger. Anti-anxiety meds would probably help the terror spells.

    Try to keep a journal of when those terror spells happen. Write down as much detail as possible about everything that happened in the several minutes leading up to it. If you can find a common thread, it will go a long way toward identifying the trigger(s) and learning to overcome it.

    Stop dating. Until you're in a stable and healthy emotional and mental state, you're not going to be able to have a stable and healthy relationship. You will either continue to seek out the wrong type of guy, or end up self-destructing any relationship with the right kind of guy. Worry about yourself before you worry about tying yourself to anyone else.

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