I'm socially self destructing myself. Please help me.
Asked Feb 8, 2012, 09:15 AM
First of all I got to tell you that English is my second language but I'll try my best.
I am 26, doing my master's degree and love my field (Theatre) so everything seems fine about intellectual skills.
However, when it comes to social situations I feel like I've got an inner impulse to fail. I've got a couple of friends who know me well and I feel understood while interacting with them. But when it comes to my professional life and relationship with my boyfriend, I act so weird. I don't know what happened to me but I'm too timid when I talk to my professors who are really friendly to us, and all the other students feel free. I wasn't like that before. Beside that I totally become a different person when I'm with my boyfriend. I respect him too much and he's been criticizing me a lot so this may be a reason. Even though I know what to say, I just can't. And worse than that, I choose the exact words to make him think I'm as silly as he thinks. This is driving me mad.
I really know what to say or do, but when I'm with him I just can't. I may be loving this inside and this seems like a disorder. Something, maybe my subconscious forces me to look like the fool he thinks I am. I give him the opportunity to accuse and. I regret what I say right after leaving the room. I make my mind about something and say the exact opposite when he calls me. Even my speaking voice changes and I'm aware of this. This very situation might be related to my attitudes in academy too because he's also a student there and everyone respects him a lot. He's a writer and even professors admire him and they're friends with him. I'm too oppressed. I wouldn't be this annoyed if I really were what I look like. But I'm aware of everything and it's killing me.
I tried to disguise as someone else and wrote my boyfriend on Facebook. I told him I'm an academician from abroad and we wrote each other in another language and guess what, he became very impressed. He found me so intellectual, so smart, and he was so respectful. Even I felt more like myself behind that persona.
I don't know what to do, please help me.