In the past I have been diagnosed with panic attacks and general anxiety. I did the meds and the counseling, but honestly I'm not even sure if anyone has it right. The worst part is that for insurance purposes, I must go to the specific dr. or counselor assigned to me. Well, about me. I'm 36, married to a blind man,and with an 11yr. Old daughter. I work as a teacher. I also have my divorced sister living with me, and a grandmother in an assisted living facility who I keep an eye on. For a long while I have felt as if I have the weight of the shoulders on me and the littlest thing will set me off. The other thing... my mom passed away to cancer 3 yrs ago, and I still remember it like yesterday, as she was the one who always kept me centered. Anyhow, I can go on for days, crying and sleeping and feeling sorry for myself, as if I have wasted my life. Then, there are other times... usually with my friends, where I feel so carefree that I feel as if no one can ever bring me down. At work though, it is constant stress, as if the clock's second hand is ticking full blast in my brain. I hate what it is I'm doing to my family, yet at the same time, I wish I could leave them and start a new life. I know this is not normal. As a result, I have had two affairs which have ended in disaster... being that both times the other guy really did fall in love with me and in some weird way, I think I did too. My husband has been nothing but patient with me, and I appreciate it, although at some times, I wish he would just go away. What I am getting at, is that there is never any consistency to my actions or feelings... and it has been years now. I wish I could just be a regular person. I wish someone could help me before I self-destruct. Is this a product of my brain, or of my own doing.. meaning my lifestyle. Also, any suggestions with dealing with the insurance company about getting a real dr. to help-- or at least some kind of support group? I feel as if I'm drowning and that I'm the one who tied the anchor to my leg.