Lately, I've been feeling depressed. I suffer from anxiety-induced depression and take medication for it, but I can't stop the thoughts that come into my head sometimes. I feel worthless, ugly, and regretful about so many things. On multiple occasions I would keep myself up at night, thinking about what it would be like to jump off the 8 story building I live next to, how easy it would be, and how I would get on the roof. I even wrote a short story about someone doing it. I'm not depressed every single day, but when I am depressed I cry buckets and I sleep a lot just to hide from the anxiety and the sadness.

I don't know if I would actually do it if I were face to face with the opportunity. I don't want to die, but these feelings are scary.

There is no clear line or progression from suicidal thoughts to suicidal action. Based on your limited description you are living in misery and need to get help. Relief could be as simple as changing the medication you are currently taking. But that decision requires personal information and expert evaluation based on your specific needs and history.

You should put in a call for the doctor that is currently treating you (that prescribed the medication). In the meantime I am providing the number for the Suicide Prevention Hotline. They will know how to deal with these symptoms and feelings. They will get more information from you and get you to the proper resources. The service is confidential and free. Available round the clock:

Call: 1-800-273-8255

It's very important not to try and deal with these feelings alone and in silence. You must get in touch with someone, preferably an expert, and talk them out at the time they occur. The best and most available resource for that is the number above.

Please keep me posted. I'm here if I can be of further help

From my own personal experience of being hospitalized for being "suicidal," You are not suicidal although you do have suicidal thoughts.

You NEED to get professional help to ensure that you do not allow those suicidal thoughts to become suicidal actions. For you to post here and ask the question you asked shows that you are well aware of your symptoms and struggles--good job. Now, the next step is to ask for help and to be OPEN to help.

As a person that have experienced the suicidal thoughts and been hospitalized for it and counseled for it, I know that it's not easy. However, just by simply acknowledging your symptoms shows that you are open to getting help so call the number DrBill100 posted and talk to them. Talk to your doctor/therapist. Surround yourself with families and friends even if you want to be left alone.

It is crucial that you force yourself out of your comfort zone, for it is way too easy to fall into a solitary mindset while experiencing all of the negative thoughts and emotions.

Keep pushing to become better, death is never the answer.

Can you identify the triggers which are the anxiety induced depression?

If so,what have the therapists done for you to help address them,they are the problem,not you.The problems,if left unresolved,aren't just going to disappear,somehow you will need to do something about them, and the sooner the better.

On the days you aren't depressed,what do you do?Are there things that you really like doing on those days,or is it just a survival thing,like groceries,laundry,etc... domestic chores.

This post is a good first step,an outward plea for others to help you see what we might see in you.Now it's up to you to return and open up to us.

Hope to see you post again:)

KBC

I'm on medication for my anxiety, but for example, when I don't take it for a week, I become extremely sensitive, especially in social situations. I'm always scared that I've offended someone, that I'm acting like an idiot.. I start taking my friends' sarcasm seriously (we're sarcastic to each other). I start caring what people think of me and start comparing myself to everyone else, which basically ends up with me feeling inadequate and crappy. Basically, my trigger is talking to people. I don't know if that makes sense.

I can't talk to my friends. They're there for me, but I can't do it.. It would make me anxious to do so. I would feel too dramatic and I would only end up feeling worse. I've seen a therapist.. not for my depression specifically, so I haven't learned any ways to cope. The only way I've managed to find is to not talk to those I'm around everyday and walk. I talk to my mother, but that's about it. She knows about my anxiety, but does not know about my suicidal thoughts.

When I'm not anxious or depressed, I walk, watch TV, hang with friends, write, etc. I laugh all the time and most of the time I enjoy life, but when my anxiety or depression hit, they hit very hard and I start to question everything. I do NOT want to be dependent on medication, but I feel like I have no other choice. The sad and scary thing is that I feel like I would be dead by now if it hadn't been for the medication.

What's the point?

Why do you stop taking something you know helps you?I have a thread I opened a few years ago, called Staying on our prescription medications for good or ill.

We know the outcome if we stop taking the meds,so why do we stop taking them?Is the chaos we return to that enticing?Do we really want to continue down that path of self destruction?

I know depression, I know it well.I know how it is comforting to stay in the darkness,to eliminate the good, to stop doing what makes me well.
How often have you seen this therapist?Haven't they ever tried to go deeper into the anxiety/depression,etc.? If they haven't perhaps a meeting with a psychiatrist is in order instead of the therapist only, as the psychiatrist deals directly with the depression and the therapist would deal with aspects of the depression and coping skills,etc.

This is the very aspect of depression which keeps it personal, not telling others.(red flag)

The point is that you really don't want life to end, you have some kind of unresolved anxiety, it makes you depressed(amongst other things).

Logical thinking.If you don't take medication,where is your life headed?Does the chaos take over time and time again?How does this cycle get broken?Medications for depression aren't physically addictive, there is no,"have to have them"... the only reason use antidepressant medications is I choose to live in freedom from major depression,not the chaos I used to be in.

If I want the insanity I used to have back, I simply can stop doing what keeps me well, I can stop taking the medications, any time I want to, the chaos is refunded within a few days(the withdraws from some medications can be even more damaging than street drugs)(IMHO)

Hopefully this made sense to you and we can chat further here about this stuff.. :)

KBC

I take the medication regularly, but often times, I forget about ordering refills and my busy schedule usually prevents me from remembering until much later (bad, I know. I'm very forgetful). Part of me doesn't want to take my medication because I don't want to HAVE to rely on it.. it almost feels like a mask, as if the happiness I feel is only the product of the medication. That probably doesn't make any sense. It sometimes doesn't to me.

The chaos that occurs when not taking the meds is NOT enticing in any way, nor do I secretly wish to involve myself in such pain. I saw a therapist regularly for a year, but it was more so focused on dealing with the stress of my daily schedule and current relationships.. nothing too deep when it came to my anxiety/depression. However, I told this to my therapist once: "I want to be naturally happy with the hope of not becoming anxious, not naturally anxious with the hopes of soon feeling happy."

I feel as if my medication does not make me NATURALLY happy.

When I wrote that last post, I was in a bad spell. Right now, I'm okay. I can think of suicide and easily dismiss it.. Any sadness I feel doesn't consume me, which is good, but everyday is a constant battle with my anxiety and depression. Sometimes I win, sometimes I don't.

If the medication is still a non priority the chaos(anxiety) will continue,that is fact.

IF, you truly want what you stated,to be naturally happy,how can you achieve this?Doing what you have always done has gotten what results?

I say,if you want to achieve this natural euphoria,you might have to reassess the medication route.

If you don't know how it feels to be free of this burden of anxiety, for a period,how can you strive for it naturally?You have nothing to base your feelings on except a few fleeting times(like this last post), how long is it going to be until the strains and pressures return you to the anxiety?

Medications,in my mind,allow me to think clearly,to settle things,for a long term effect, not a quick fix.You seem to be in a state of flux about taking meds and why people take them,perhaps this could be a topic for you and a therapist to go over.

So you were in a bad spell a few days ago,perhaps something got resolved,perhaps not,I don't know, but I am concerned that you are not taking responsibility for your own well being.Only you can make the decision to, call for a refill,take the medications as prescribed,make the appointments with the therapists,and,, make the decision to end the repeated cycle of up's and down's.

Hope all this helps:)

KBC