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    HotHoneyVintage's Avatar
    HotHoneyVintage Posts: 231, Reputation: 6
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    #1

    Oct 11, 2011, 03:31 PM
    I don't know how to connect with people socially so I stay isolated
    Listen I need help. I want to make more friends sometimes. I have 2 people that I know but they are disabled neighbors, they are nice though. I have asperger syndrome and depression. I get anxiety trying to communicate with people, it get so uncomfortable that I just give up social events and isolate the past 2 or 3 years of life. I sit home every single weekend since then because I don't know what to do otherwise :(

    I interrupt in convos because not sure when it is my turn to talk, take things too literally and 'miss' jokes and sarcasm that happen during the convos. Also I have a bad temper; I don't understand people constantly saying "humans basic needs are sex and affection." Apparently not. I am a 31 yr. Old virgin who never had a date. So they say: "Make friends at outdoor activities or classes" or "You need to be more outgoing." OK ! I don't get invited to anything and I don't know HOW to change my attitude and "look" appealing to potential friends or men. Men just ignore me like I am invisible and maybe I am or may as well be at this point.

    What are some ways I can learn be comfortable around people and or ways to be more accepting of the fact I will not likely find a mate because of my mental and social restrictions? I just want to be happy like everyone else and not commit suicide, seems there's no other way around that though. Thank you.
    LeeSaul's Avatar
    LeeSaul Posts: 2, Reputation: 1
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    #2

    Oct 11, 2011, 03:51 PM
    Honestly, you'll have heard this a million times before, but I've been through that stage. It took a big chunk out of my teenage life, but now it's all gone.

    First of all, I can't help you if you consider suicide; it show's you're not willing to put the effort in and try to solve this. Of course, it's not going to be a walk in the park.

    Anyway, all you need is... love... Love will fix everything. I started dating my girlfriend about 4 months back. Been the best times of my life.

    Now I know I'm a lot younger than you (If I tell you my age I'm likely to get ignored) but you NEED to try, urgently. People don't care about how funny or interesting you are in the 21st century. Just show that you're putting the effort in and you'll grow on them.

    Sorry I'm not the best help, but I really hope things turn out for the best.

    ~Lee
    Wondergirl's Avatar
    Wondergirl Posts: 38,434, Reputation: 5430
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    #3

    Oct 11, 2011, 03:59 PM
    I fell asleep last night thinking about you and this very question!

    You're going to have to do what my husband has learned to do all his life -- find and connect with people who like the same things. He hates going to church or taking classes in anything, so no possible friends doing that. What has worked for him, since he's a techie kind of guy, is connect with techie guys at his techie job. Since he is an amateur photographer, he also connected with people in a local photography club. He loves to spend time outdoors and camp and hike (but NO boring fishing or evil hunting!), so he would talk with people whom he met while hiking in Colorado and Utah on vacations he went on alone. He gets Christmas cards and exchanges email with some of them.

    He and I adore cats and, over the years, have rescued a bunch from our neighborhood, so he has connected with a few people at our local cat shelter here we've taken the ones that we can't keep in our small house. (We do share our house with five cats, though -- or, if you know cats, they let us live here and open little cans of food.)

    That's why I asked you in another thread what you like to do -- for finding avenues to connect on. You mentioned antiques and reading and cooking. Could those be possibilities to connect with people who like them too?

    What state (country?) do you live in? ***ADDED*** I see where you live -- near the Pine Barrens, near Trenton, or in the northern part of the state? I have friends in all three places and might be able to figure out what could be next for you to try.
    HotHoneyVintage's Avatar
    HotHoneyVintage Posts: 231, Reputation: 6
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    #4

    Oct 12, 2011, 08:30 AM
    Well I already told you W.G. you are lucky you have someone that understands you and vice versa. You get along with him and like his activities and he's able to function in everyday life like other people. Sigh. To me it sound like he have met friends and people like him.

    There is the book club I could join but that's it really. :/ I took classes at a community college at night 2 years ago but the girls in it email me a few times and I email them back but then I stop. I got social anxiety and can't keep up with the demands of social life, it's too overwhelming. Also, when I tries to be social like I said, it don't pan out, because I can't understand the 'cues.' What state you live in? I live in NJ yes but I am not near Trenton (don't know where that come from). I am about 2 1/2 hour from there probably. I live near the PA line.
    Wondergirl's Avatar
    Wondergirl Posts: 38,434, Reputation: 5430
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    #5

    Oct 12, 2011, 09:07 AM
    Quote Originally Posted by HotHoneyVintage View Post
    well I already told you W.G. you are lucky you have someone that understands you
    No, he doesn't. He doesn't have a clue who I am and what I like. I have to give him a wish list at Christmastime or else I'll get a box of rubberbands or a subscription to Field and Stream. One Christmas I got a new toilet seat.
    you get along with him
    Yes, but we are companions who share a bank account and a house. I'm able to do the things he can't (pay bills), and he does what I can't do (repairs around the house). I bake and cook; he eats. I clean house and keep things picked up; he leaves things lying around. It's a symbiotic relationship.

    I refuse to camp and hike in the desert and go without baths the entire time. My idea of a vacation is in a cottage on a lakeshore or seacoast. I refuse to hang out at the auto parts store or the electronic store; he used to refuse to go with me to buy our kids clothes and shoes and school supplies. He wouldn't even play with them because he didn't understand the concept "play." We don't go out to eat because he just sits there and eats, and we don't have a conversation because he has nothing to say. He hates school and taking classes; I adore it and have spent my life taking classes.
    he's able to function in everyday life like other people.
    He functions very much like you do, with many of the same feelings that people don't understand him.
    I am not near Trenton (don't know where that come from). I am about 2 1/2 hour from there probably. I live near the PA line.
    Trenton because it's kind of in the middle of the state. Are you in NW New Jersey, in God's country?
    HotHoneyVintage's Avatar
    HotHoneyVintage Posts: 231, Reputation: 6
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    #6

    Oct 12, 2011, 07:33 PM
    w.g. well in that case I am starting to really wonder wonder that marriage then :/ I know you said you get things done that he doesn't and vice versa but what the LOVE in the marriage... I am wondering now how you can have a husband you don't talk too much, like converse sometimes? It sounds like and I don't know, but like the majority of relationship revolves around him :( and maybe that's the way you want it. I don't know. Is your husband 'possessive' with his personal space? I do not like people going through my things or moving them around. Maybe I am not even cut out for a marriage, because you are supposed to 'share' everything. I don't trust people, I think most of them are liars or backstabbers.

    He also sounds really funny like buying the toilet seat as a gift, even though you probably don't find that funny. I think it is 'easier' for men to be like that than it is women though. There is an expectation of 'social graces' and a certain level of femininity/girlishness that I think men expect or want. If you look at all the primping and preening that women do to attract men, that is an example of what I'm talking about. In other words I think women are much more accepting of men who don't quite measure up than the reverse. I am just an oddball I guess; I do not feel I am "sexy" or anything like that. That is what men want.

    "What is God's Country?" I'm in the NE by the Delaware river.
    Wondergirl's Avatar
    Wondergirl Posts: 38,434, Reputation: 5430
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    #7

    Oct 12, 2011, 07:47 PM
    Quote Originally Posted by HotHoneyVintage View Post
    w.g. well in that case I am starting to really wonder wonder that marriage then
    Do 44 years count in your book?
    what the LOVE in the marriage
    Love is a lot more than mushy-wushy stuff. It's practical, everyday getting things done together.
    I am wondering now how you can have a husband you don't talk too much
    I do most of the talking. :)
    majority of relationship revolves around him
    I adapt well. He has to sleep wrapped tightly in blankets, so we have twin beds.
    Is your husband 'possessive' with his personal space?
    Absolutely! I mostly sneak things into the trash or recycling when they are very old and I know he really has no interest in them any longer. If I didn't, we would be on the Hoarders TV show.
    you are supposed to 'share' everything.
    Who said that? They're crazy. Must have been in a Hollywod movie.
    buying the toilet seat as a gift, even though you probably don't find that funny
    I "got" his message. You should have seen what I gave him for Valentine's Day.
    If you look at all the primping and preening that women do to attract men
    I don't know where you are getting all this misinformation.
    That is what men want.
    More misinformation. You must read Cosmopolitan magazine.
    "What is God's Country?" I'm in the NE by the Delaware river.
    The Delaware is in the west.

    God's Country = NW New Jersey, Sussex County.
    HotHoneyVintage's Avatar
    HotHoneyVintage Posts: 231, Reputation: 6
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    #8

    Oct 13, 2011, 01:03 PM
    So you been married 44 years or together that long? Holy crap. That's more years than I been alive, LOL. Well congrats on that one. I thought you were like 40 years old. What do you mean you're not supposed to share everything -- I didn't read it in Cosmo that is what people say and I assume since you're living in the same house with the spouse you have no privacy anymore, not like when you're living alone :( I really value my privacy, probably more than average person so I don't think I can adjust to having someone in my space and personal properties at random times. I'm starting to think I like the idea of a husband, more than what he actually is. So you're saying that you never heard of men being 'visual?' They're immediately drawn to what appeals to their eyes and if you're not really put together most men will ignore you. I should know this as everyday they ignore me; I probably don't dresses sexy enough or w/e Sigh. I noticed a lot of other women (in my age group) that are better put together than me, they don't seem have problems getting asked out either. Well what did you give him for V day? (maybe I should know this, but I don't do good with hints, it was a 'sexual' joke, I think?). Yes, I am in the NW of NJ then, sorry about that. Where are you from? How do your kids get along with your husband because of his A.S. I do not want kids, I am too afraid I don't have good enough skills and experience to raise a person. Ttyl.
    Wondergirl's Avatar
    Wondergirl Posts: 38,434, Reputation: 5430
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    #9

    Oct 13, 2011, 01:28 PM
    Quote Originally Posted by HotHoneyVintage View Post
    So you been married 44 years or together that long?
    We knew each other 13 months before we got married. Yeah, I'm old and my mother is 87, and his is 92.
    What do you mean you're not supposed to share everything -- I didn't read it in Cosmo that is what people say and I assume since you're living in the same house with the spouse you have no privacy anymore, not like when you're living alone
    No, we don't share everything. We don't open each other's mail or poke around in each other's email or cell phones. He has his stuff and I have mine, and ne'er the twain shall meet. We're both very private people. And we live in a very small house with five cats and an adult son. Privacy can be achieved if all parties are willing to do it.
    So you're saying that you never heard of men being 'visual?'
    Many are. Some aren't.
    everyday they ignore me
    Maybe they ignore you, not because of what you look like, but for other reasons. Just sayin'.
    they don't seem have problems getting asked out either.
    Do you want to be asked out? Really, do you? Or is that just something you think should happen at your age?
    Well what did you give him for V day? (maybe I should know this, but I don't do good with hints, it was a 'sexual' joke, I think?).
    I've known for over 45 years not to give him anything that hints of sexy.
    Yes, I am in the NW of NJ then, sorry about that.
    One of my dear friends lives near Newton.
    Where are you from?
    Born in eastern NC, grew up in western NC, moved with my parents and sibs to western NY, then came here to the Chicago area for college, and never left.
    How do your kids get along with your husband because of his A.S.
    The older one has a form of autism called hyperlexia and lives with us. (So, you see, I'm surrounded by autism and cats -- which isn't the worst thing in the world, and is, in fact, quite fun and interesting at times.) The other son lives eight blocks away and works in the office of the company that makes the fries you eat at McDonald's.
    HotHoneyVintage's Avatar
    HotHoneyVintage Posts: 231, Reputation: 6
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    #10

    Oct 15, 2011, 06:59 PM
    You say privacy can be achieved if you all try which is likely true but I don't know how you stand it, I don't like a lot of people in my space or even a few on a regular basis! I personally can't stand cats either LOL I am dog person but hey at least you are adopting them and helping them. They need homes because people just open up the doors and put them out :( that's not right either. I know why they ignore me, it's because I am not a knockout probably like other girls they see. I don't care what anyone says: most guys are visual and get attracted by what they see, then that lead them to ask the girl for her number or hit on her. I'm not sure if I want to be asked out sometimes I think yes and sometime I think no, that's a good question though. A lot of times as bad as it sound, I would like the guy to be there when I want him to be and leave when I want him to leave, LMAO. But I know marriage doesn't work like that. It's true I do believe it's something should've happened long before now due to my age. I mean that is common sense right? Something is amiss about an adult (especially a woman)never having had any romantic experiences or sex encounters by at least 25, even. This is of course excusing religion and all those types of reasons.

    Where I get all my information from about women and men and dating is from the peoples that been in my life, real people that date not from the Cosmo. I am just saying most of the girls I seen (in my age group) have done a lot of primping with their clothes, hair make up etc to get a boyfriend and the guys seem to like that and it seem to be a normal thing in this age group. I am way behind because I am not very good with fashion :/
    Wondergirl's Avatar
    Wondergirl Posts: 38,434, Reputation: 5430
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    #11

    Oct 15, 2011, 07:15 PM
    Quote Originally Posted by HotHoneyVintage View Post
    You say privacy can be achieved if you all try which is likely true but I don't know how you stand it,
    We stand it, as you say, because we give each other space.
    I am dog person
    Well, okay then. I'll let you have a dog. Did you know that people with Asperger's are usually great with animals? (or maybe I said that in this thread already)
    I know why they ignore me, it's because I am not a knockout probably like other girls they see. I don't care what anyone says: most guys are visual and get attracted by what they see, then that lead them to ask the girl for her number or hit on her.
    I know lots of people of both sexes and with Asperger's who are happily married. I am beginning to suspect you are your own worst enemy with a made-up mind about men. Of course, if you live in Sussex County, it's rural and not the greatest place in the world to meet all types of men. And you have to like Republicans...
    I'm not sure if I want to be asked out sometimes I think yes and sometime I think no, that's a good question though.
    What kind of job do you have, or do you go to school? Do you live at home with parents? Do you have any plans to relocate to another part of the country or even the world? Your answers to those questions are very important. You don't have to give them here, but certainly ask yourself and think seriously about the answers.
    I do believe it's something should've happened long before now due to my age. I mean that is common sense right? Something is amiss about an adult (especially a woman)never having had any romantic experiences or sex encounters by at least 25, even.
    Who said? Listen to your own head and heart, not what someone else says you "should" do or what people around you are doing. Shakespeare said it best, "Be true to yourself." That's good advice for anybody.

    As for your avatar, The Persistence of Memory, its artist Dali was eccentric in all sorts of ways, had a pet ocelot, plus had an obsession with art -- and cheese. I wonder if he had Asperger's.
    HotHoneyVintage's Avatar
    HotHoneyVintage Posts: 231, Reputation: 6
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    #12

    Oct 16, 2011, 04:17 PM
    W.G. as you can see from my other question I am in a big mess as far as living situation, so I won't go into that here, but yea right now I do live alone. Maybe I will be homeless soon, who knows :(

    Anyway I don't think I'm my own worst enemy as far as men concerned. I go off what I have learned; how you learn about the ways of men then, since I am wrong as you say? HA, ha ha! You are going to "let" me have a dog :P Oh how kind of you. Cats is too suspicious and they don't really like to play like dogs do. I lives in Warren County not Sussex. I don't have no plans to move all over the place, just trying to stay local. It's not 'rural' here but it's not the big city either, it's like a small town or w/e. I work part time I don't make much money in a doctor's office. Basically that money is a nominal amount I get because I was taking care of my parent that passed away recently... You work in the library right? Do you like it? How did you get that job? I would love to do that! I went to college and have a worthless BA in communication. I should've went for library science. Do you like living in Chi town? Honestly after NYC, Chicago is my favorite city (never been there though) because of the architecture you all have there. The homes and big buildings are so beautiful. I would be too scared live there, would be afraid of getting murder or raped :/

    It kind of make me mad that all these other asperger people have families and married and everything. What the heck. I must be really pathetic then.

    We should move this convos to email right? It's getting really long thread :)




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