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    teddington's Avatar
    teddington Posts: 8, Reputation: 1
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    #1

    Jan 27, 2017, 07:14 AM
    Is boyfriend using me?
    I have been living with a boyfriend at my house for 7 months. He rented a room for 260 a month in a friends house, but hated it there and quickly came to me every night. He also went home for his tea to his mums every night, so was not using me, but as time went on other people passed comment that he might be once he progressed to having tea at mine every night and didn't pay his friend any rent, except he did, as I made him pay his friend half of the rent at his old place so that people didn't pass judgement. It didn't bother me that he was not paying me anything as a new relationship. I like cooking and I don't want anyone involved with my mortgage and also I hadn't officially said give the old place up and bring all your stuff and have a proper arrangement . In practice he has been with me through night and day for 7 months now, so effectively was living with me.

    After 5 months his ex wife, who he was separated from, hung herself leaving the little boy and 18 year old girl. He didn't want to return to the house because of psychological damage to little boy who found her, but the daughter wants to live there, and also after 2 months of being in my house more than just the previous weekend stays, the little boy also wants to go home. So my boyfriend has decided upon this but still hasn't done it. In the time since his wife took her life he has on occasion lashed out and told me to tell him to get lost because he is a queer c... t and he will never change.

    I made Christmas nice, heating on in school hols and water rates have gone up, food bill no contribution made except for last weekend and not contribution to Xmas food etc . He told me he has to move out so he can claim housing benefit to claim help with the funeral as having to pay the bill even though he wasn't with her anymore.

    Is he using me? I can't see me being able to stay in the attic room which was his ex wife's room at the family home and it being comfortable for his kids me staying in their mums room. Also she hung herself on the stairs leading up to that room. His daughter doesn't want to live with me, little boy has been happy enough at mine though. What do you think ?
    talaniman's Avatar
    talaniman Posts: 54,086, Reputation: 10852
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    #2

    Jan 27, 2017, 09:03 AM
    I think you are all going through a tough time and it's been difficult making adjustments. If he is using you, I doubt if it intentional, or on purpose, since he obviously needs as much help as he can get to put his affairs in order following the tragedy he and his kids have experienced.

    He needs more than just a few months to get his act back together though, and that could well involve him going home, and the relationship changing from living together, to living apart. Separate finances since you cannot agree on a FAIR collaboration.

    You sure put a lot into a fellow with kids and no divorce though and that may have been the first mistake in this whole arrangement and it seems to have gotten messier. It is what it is so own your part of complications and circumstances. No he isn't using you since you seem to have gotten what you wanted, and it was great until he became a package deal with responsibilities to others beside of you through no fault of his own.

    Hope he appreciates your efforts making a great holiday for him and the kids, and he reciprocates in kind down the road. I don't know if he could be doing more for you now, that's for you to judge.
    dontknownuthin's Avatar
    dontknownuthin Posts: 2,910, Reputation: 751
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    #3

    Jan 27, 2017, 05:23 PM
    I think he and his kids should move out. Kids need therapy to.cope.with Mom's suicide. Dad needs therapy for divorce and loss of ex and new single dad role. He needs guidance on supporting the kids. And you need to.think about whatn you need and want.in a partner. If you determinr you need and want him, but not thr free-loading lifestyle he follows, you.need.to.renegotiate the terms.of the relationship.becore.you share.a.home again.
    teddington's Avatar
    teddington Posts: 8, Reputation: 1
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    #4

    Jan 30, 2017, 06:47 AM
    Hi Thanks for your answer . I would willingly take on little boy and his daughter and this transition for rme hasn't been hard with the little boy being with us as I love having him around and any compromises in our social life etc are nothing , its more about the emotional up shot for him and his kids and his conscience and everyone pulling at him and him lashing out at me , he kissed his best friends wife in more than a peck on the cheek or a peck on the lips at the rugby club , what started as a warm embrace of friendship went a bit far I felt as she made a move on him and he reciprocated admitting after that she had come on a bit strong and during that week when I picked him up on it he said why should it bother you , was it because it was in front of you , I said er because you are living here etc etc . He has a fondness for this other wo man who is vulnerable having lost her husband 3 years ago to cancer and her hubby was my fellas best friend. Even though he knows it upset me , this week he went over to kiss her on the cheek and give her a hug and has told me he will never stop doing it as she is is best friends wife . Mean w hile I was looking after his little boy in the quiet part of the rugby club giving him a hug and a cuddle as daddy was bit tipsy . Im a good influence in the little boys life , band 7 nurse , head screwed on and kind and patient and me and my two golden retrievers have been a stable influence for him . When the little boy let me cuddle him to the extent he did at the weekend and wanted me to dress him as he had taken his top off to run around and then let me hold his hand all the way home with his dad , I felt it's a shame for things to be so mixed up . Dad doesn't want to go back to the house but feels he has to because of daughter etc. Told me Im selfish for not wanting them to go back but I also have discussed him trying to gut the place and making it into a new place in which to live so I have tried to step aside and put myself last . Lot going on at the mo.
    teddington's Avatar
    teddington Posts: 8, Reputation: 1
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    #5

    Jan 30, 2017, 06:57 AM
    I thought much about the kids at the weekend and thought of when I was grieving for my mum , don't know what a child psychologist would say , expose them to the place she hung herself or let them be content in her being and move back and grief properly and get proper closure down the track , must feel strange for them being turfed out of the family home . He has decided that he isn't going to sleep in his exs room ( she had numerous men since they split ) and he is going to let the daughter sleep in there .

    Think at the back of his mind he's worried that it will affect the little one with him finding his mum on the stairs .

    Im at lunch break so must go now , all been a bit mind blowing for everyone , he doesn't need any pressure from me that's for sure .
    talaniman's Avatar
    talaniman Posts: 54,086, Reputation: 10852
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    #6

    Jan 30, 2017, 08:53 AM
    I have found it very useful when confronted with complex very emotional issues to slow down, step back and let the emotional dust settle and think about what you can control, and what you CANNOT. While you cannot control what others say, do, or feel, you have full control over what you say and do about what YOU feel. Take time to process this while following your own gut, and staying within your own boundaries of good behavior.

    It's okay to just go with the flow and see what happens, and I can tell you are the kind of person who will try to do the right thing by others. Just don't neglect to do the right thing by yourself. Let's face it, this situation will likely take a long while to sort itself out, and the best way to get through it is with plenty of patience, self control, and staying cool, calm, and collected, so you won't be distracted by the emotional debri that you all going through.

    Neither you or anyone else can predict the outcomes of any thing but we can hope for the best but plan for the worse. That's just my suggestion to keeping it real and dealing with reality one day at a time.

    Much Luck
    teddington's Avatar
    teddington Posts: 8, Reputation: 1
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    #7

    Jan 30, 2017, 11:20 AM
    Yes hope for the best and plan for the worst , Ill do just that . He seems to be making plans without me to attend social events etc , talks in the singular or with his son , feel him pulling away physically and emotionally , he used to feel sad and lonely as didn't see the kids as much , his house was a sore subject as he was renting a room so mine was a breath of fresh air and a good place for little boy even before mum died at the weekends we had him , he liked country walks with me and the dogs , good home cooking , didn't go out much , but as soon as this happened he said he was going because if he didn't claim housing benefit he wouldn't get the funeral payments to pay for his wife's funeral , which his kids have put on him, also doesn't have enough room to store his stuff and he has a big shed at home , do feel a little used but like you say I should take a step back on my emotions too , seems to have been pushing me away and says he has no grief over his ex wife . The story could go on and on , but I will take your advice and stay in control .

    Start to go out occasionally with my friends and re adjust to taking the dogs out every night without little boy and him with me , just small things to prepare for the worst of being on my own again and walking into an empty house again , he's going back to a family , Im back to being alone , Im dreading it . It might make us stronger and work out going back to saying prepare for the worst and hope for the best who knows . He knew it upset me at the club re this woman as he seems to go over the top with her and goes on about her a lot and feels sorry for her that she is depressed and doesn't like dark nights , has little understanding for how tough I have found present situ but feeling sorry for this other woman and giving her kisses and hugs but me nothing at home just keeps pushing me away . Sometimes in bed Ive needed a cuddle but after lots of attempts to cuddle him I leave him alone now .

    Im at work so must go home now but thank you for your advice again and I will adhere to it , by not being in a position to react on Saturday by someone else's behaviour , and keeping my own counsel and staying away from the rugby club.

    Thanks again
    talaniman's Avatar
    talaniman Posts: 54,086, Reputation: 10852
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    #8

    Jan 31, 2017, 03:59 AM
    Maybe I missed it, but how long did you date this guy before he moved in?
    teddington's Avatar
    teddington Posts: 8, Reputation: 1
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    #9

    Mar 6, 2017, 05:58 AM
    Is my boyfriend using me ?
    IS boyfriend using me see previous question ? Sorry to ask again . Many people have said that they think my live in boyfriend is going to up sticks once he gets settled in own house and not bother with me . I keep feeling this insecurity despite your answers before that he probably isn't and if he is it isn't intentional.

    The story was that since his ex wife hung herself he has been moving out but hasn't gone yet , with financial and emotional strain taking its toll 2 weeks ago as I have been paying for all food , water rates and gas electric with no contribution from him for him and little boy apart from he buys his sons food , not his . I had to mention my gas bills which came to 400 pounds in 6 weeks for gas electric and water without food .

    I work full time and since the wife went have come home rom work weekends and nights and given my undivided attention to little boy . I nurse , listen counsel research patient s with lung cancer and have 4 o 5 projects on the go. My days are full and I get the emotional backlash of my partners grief and emotional backlash but still he hasn't moved out despite getting he keys to his own house back . He continues to go down there to clean it up and sort it out to take his little boy home but is doing things to me under my roof which hurt me . He said he cant take the boy back yet and he has begun to remove himself from my bed and sleep wit h him again at mine.

    My head is shot to pieces , can you advise ?
    ma0641's Avatar
    ma0641 Posts: 15,681, Reputation: 1012
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    #10

    Mar 6, 2017, 07:01 AM
    What makes this question different than your first post? Reread all the previous posts and answer some of the questions. You worry about him leaving you and then also wonder why he hasn't gone back to the old house. Is he using you? I think so, you pay for everything, why should he worry?
    Cat1864's Avatar
    Cat1864 Posts: 8,007, Reputation: 3687
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    #11

    Mar 6, 2017, 08:53 AM
    You don't need to start a new thread. Please keep updates, follow-up questions, etc. in this thread.

    It is to the point where it doesn't matter if he is or isn't using you. It is how you feel about the situation. End your confusion. Make your own plans with a timeline. Tell him how you feel. Ask him for his plans and his timeline. Present yours. Work together to find a compromise. If you can't or he starts trying to wiggle out of putting anything in writing, then evict him.

    It is time to take care of yourself. You are not responsible for his family and issues. You aren't married to him. Do what is best for you.
    talaniman's Avatar
    talaniman Posts: 54,086, Reputation: 10852
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    #12

    Mar 6, 2017, 10:19 AM
    Yeah, your head is shot to pieces and needs a new perspective. You are so busy giving and worrying that you neglect YOURSELF. I think you have too much invested in him, and his family for it to be a healthy love. You cannot even enjoy the act of GIVING because of that worry of getting it back. You better cut that out and either remove yourself to gain that new perspective on what's healthy or not here (It's certainly not you or your motives), or learn to give unconditionally without worry of the outcome.

    Sorry I don't think you are at that happy place with yourself to give unconditionally and am convinced you don't love yourself enough to be able to GIVE that kind of love to anyone else. It doesn't matter what you are giving to them, nor that they may need it, even for now and not tomorrow, what is important is you stop for a minute (Or a month!) and realize you cannot maintain this level of doubt and fear.

    Remove yourself and build a life that you ENJOY without THEM. That takes time and WORK but it's strictly for you, and by you. The way I see it is you cling to each other and his/the kids needs are much greater than yours, and it can only work by them sucking you dry by their needs, and you getting NOTHING back (At least not enough). Not their fault they need you, but you are not honest enough with yourself, or your own situation.

    Step away and get the new perspective you need to get your own head together without their influence. You need it bad... more than they need YOU!

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