I posted awhile back about a problem I had with not being able to stay hard during sex. I figured out what it was and now I need some advice on how to get over it.

Before I got into a relationship with my girlfriend we were very close friends. She used to tell me about the sex she had with other guys and how good it was. It bothered me at the time because I always liked her, but I thought I would never have a chance with her. About two years after being just friends we started dating and I couldn't be happier. We didn't have sex the first 4 months of our relationship because I didn't want to just have sex with her, I wanted it to be something special. We have been trying now for 3 months and I feel horrible because I can't satisfy her. The reason I can't stay hard is because when we have sex I compare myself to the other guys in her past. I think how she loved the sex with them and I tell myself that I can't give it to her like they did. I also picture her having sex with them and it makes me go soft. We decided to take a break from sex until I can get these thoughts out of my head. I don't want to think like this I want to have good sex with her but I can't get these thoughts out of my head.

I never had this problem in the past. I have been with 5 girls before my girlfriend and the reason I never had this problem with them is because I didn't care about them. I didn't have feelings for any of them so I didn't care about their past and to be honest I didn't care if I satisfied them either. It sounds bad but I'm just being honest. Now my girlfriend thinks something is wrong with her because I was able to have sex with those girls and not her, but it was because I didn't care about them. Does anybody have any advice on how to get over this?

It's good that you were able to determine the source of your problem that it is psychological instead of physical. Since sex starts in the mind you're going to have to change those thoughts and stop putting so much pressure on yourself. As a suggestion, try taking a passive role next time. Let her tie your hands and blind fold you and do whatever she wants. This way you won't have to concentrate on the mechanics. Just be there and enjoy the ride.
In the past when your girlfriend told you about her experiences, unless she told you she is a size queen and you know you don't measure up, what would any other guy have that you don't? If the thought of her having sex with the guys from past come up, instead of it being a downer, tell yourself that they're the losers because you're the one she's with now. You won. Not them. Make it a fanatasy that they're having to watch you have sex in from of them. They're dying to have sex with her but no one can have her but you. Reprogram your thoughts from loser to victor.
Good luck!

We have tried letting her pleasure me. I stay hard when she's ontop and when she gives me oral sex, but as soon as it comes to me doing anything to her I doubt myself. Size is a big issue when it comes to me comparing myself. I accidentally seen a picture of her ex-boyfriend naked and well, he's bigger than I am. Even though she's never complained about my size I can't help but feel like she enjoyed it more with him because he's bigger. She told me that she enjoys sex with me more than anyone else, but I think she's lying just to make me feel better. I've tried thinking about the fact that I have her now and it worked for a bit but then the bad thoughts just came back. A lot of times I think she can't feel me inside her beause she's used to guys bigger than I am. I think that she compares while we have sex like she'll think about the other guys and how much the sex was. I picture her screaming loud with those guys and most of the time she isn't screaming with me. I feel as if I don't compare to the guys in her past. I'm going to try doing the fanatasy thing though, we'll see what happens. Thank you for your advice.

One thing to consider when you start having these thoughts is the fact that she sees something in you and wants to be with YOU. If you're familiar with this forum, you have doubtless read many where the woman writes about not feeling anything or almost nothing during intercourse. The vaginal nerve endings are in the first 2-3 inches of the vagina and it's not the size that makes the difference but the firmness and angle of the erection stimulating the g-spot area. The real action is actually taking place around the clitoris where size doesn't count but contact. Ditch the size thing but it's not how much you have but what you do with what you do have. Also, your girlfriend may not have vocal orgasms. Watch her face and eyes instead of listening for sounds like in a porn flick.
Just remind yourself that you were able to have sex with 5 other women with no complaints and you have no idea whether any of them were with John Holmes clones.

She isn't lying. The penis is too frequently used like a weapon by men who have been brought up to think that penis size equals power. Her screaming, was it with pleasure or is it because her head is banging against the headboard and she can't wait for him to finish? If she wants him to think she's excited, well screaming hurries a guy up, usually.

The size of a guy's thing is probably important in the boy's locker room, but your bed isn't in there. The parts of a woman that respond sexually do not usually require stretching and pounding. The best sex I've ever had was with a guy with a 4" penis. Because he couldn't pound, he learned to give pleasure instead. Read up on female anatomy. Sure, there are a few women who prefer 'em large. I haven't met any yet, been talking to other women for 40 years about sex.

Tough one. Personally, I have always enjoyed listening to girlfriends tell me about their other lovers, as I figure maybe I'll pick up some new tips, LOL.

We all start no-nothings. No-one is born a great lover. We all have to learn somehow, somewhere.

I have gotten better over the years, as most people should. But you will never be able to please everyone, because everyone is different.

This is why masturbation is so important, both for men and women, as it's the only way we can learn about what feels good to US, and the only way we can show others how to please us. If a person doesn't know what it takes to make them feel good, how are you supposed to know? You can try different things you know usually work, but that's not going to cut it every time... that's just life.

Good sex is when both partners enjoy the experience.

Most men will orgasm each time, some guys several times per session. Women are different. Many won't orgasm at all and are OK with that... some will do it once, others several times. Don't pressure them to orgasm if they are not in the mood to. They may just be enjoying the overall experience. But at least always ask.

Don't fret about getting soft during sex. I do, and it doesn't slow me down. If I'm doing oral on my girl, I'm usually soft during that... then when I want to do a little poking again... I might have to rub myself a little or have her give me oral to get hard again and off we go.

So don't put yourself under so much pressure. Relax. Have fun... take your time. If sex takes an hour or two or three... that's fine as long as both are enjoying it.

Remember everyone is different. I dumped one GF because all she wanted is quickies! I HATE quickies. I have to have an hour or more. Most guys I think love quickies so that just shows you how different we all are.

PS: For sex lasting more than 15 minutes or so... bring KY jelly or something so you don't rub each other raw, lol.

Just read your second post. Ah.. the size issue.

Let me tell you something about size. According to Playboy mag. The average male is 5-6 inches long and 1 1/2 inches thick.

I am 6 inches long and 2 1/2 inches thick. For one thing, I have often hit bottom... that is, the head of my penis has bumped into a gals cervix, and you can't get any deeper than that... what's more, bottoming out usually hurts a gal. And thickness? I wish there was such a thing as penis reduction surgery. I haven't had a blowjob without teeth scraping on my penis since 1982! That's right! No good BJ's since 1982! I envy you.

Consider this also... how do lesbians enjoy sex? And no... most don't use dildos... they use their tongues, since the is the primary area to excite a woman, NOT the vagina.

Just some food for thought.

Interesting... they just censored the short version of the proper name for a females private parts that I put here... so let me try to spell out the full word an maybe they will pass that... sheesh.

Consider this also... how do lesbians enjoy sex? And no... most don't use dildos... they use their tongues, since the clitoris is the primary area to excite a woman, NOT the vagina.

You have a sexual past, she has a sexual past, just like she has to not think about your, you have to come to issues with hers. You can not change either.

Ah that did the trick. I'll know better next time.

Well, one last thing. The screaming thing. Do YOU scream when you orgasm? Most people don't. Male or female.

I used to be so quiet that one old GF had to ask me if I'd orgasmed or not, after we were done, LOL.

She taught me to be a little more vocal. It's something that has to be learned if it doesn't come natural. Most women are terrified of being heard... by their parents, kids, strangers outside...

Some sounds of pleasure are a turn on and it has to be learned. But it should never be fake.

Imagine you're eating a wonderful dinner made by your loved one... and you sit through the whole meal and never make a sound, never smile, never say anything... then get up and walk away when you're done.

Sounds awfull doesn't it? They'd be a little miffed wouldn't they?

But throw in a few, yums... a few mmmm... tastes wonderful... a few smiles, a comment on what a great cook they are... even a burp or two... and it makes all the difference. Sex sounds are no different.

My last LTR GF used to laugh when she orgasmed! And I'd laugh with her, it was great!

That's true, obviously she sees something in me and not those other guys. I'm going to search and read more about what you were saying about the vagina. It does help to know that the size doesn't matter. About the fact that was with five other girls, the reason I never thought like this with them was because I honestly didn't care about them. I was using them. I know it's bad but I was young and I thought differently back then. My girlfriend is the first girl I ever loved and I really care about the way she feels, and I don't like to think about the fact that she was with other guys. I appreciate your advice it's really helping.

The few times I have managed to stay hard, she was screaming very loud and was into it. It's only when I go soft she starts to get quiet. She tries to act like she's enjoying it because she doesn't want me to feel bad, but I can tell she doesn't like it. I just keep picturing her with those guys and she's screaming because they're giving her what she wants but with me I can't give it to her. However, she has told me that the sex she had before was often painful and she wished it would end, but I don't know it still gets to me.

I think the fact that I seen the picture of her ex boyfriend makes me think I'm small. I'm 6 inches and he ex was about 8 or more, so after seeing that picture I thought I wasn't big enough for her :( When we were friends she used to tell me how big her ex was and how much she loved the sex with him. She told me now that she was just lying to make her boyfriend look good, but I guess that stuff is stuck in my head.

It's an easy mistake to make and we all learn over time... hopefully.

Her mistake may have been thinking that because he had a big penis, maybe that's why the sex was good. But that is unlikely.

Your mistake may have been taking her comment out of context. Maybe she did have good sex with him, but not because of the big penis and she was just also commenting on how big it was... but you jumped to the conclusion that a bigger penis is what had pleased her so much.

There are so many variables.

But what you can be sure of, is the vast majority of females, only get real pleasure from either direct or slightly indirect contact with the clitoris, not the vagina. Think of it this way... the clitoris is like the head of your penis, the vagina is like the shaft of your penis... which feels better to you? Personally, I have some feeling on the shaft, but most is at the very top of the shaft, the "rim" and the penis head. It's the same for females.

One problem is, many women are taught, and even doctors used to teach this... that true feeling for women comes from the vagina... and it's not so. Some researchers knew this in the 1940's... such as Kinsey. It took the rest of the world many years to find this truth and some still don't know. So if a woman has been told over and over that she can only have a true orgasm from vaginal contact... she will very likely be chasing a holy grail all her life and never find it... some of these women think bigger penises might finally give them the long sought after vaginal orgasm... but the vast majority are disapointed... hey... some gals can orgasm from having their nipples massaged... some from kissing... so anything is possible... but you can't go wrong at the source... the clitoris.

I must add one more thing.

The vagina is not the match to the penis. It's not.

Instead of thinking how a female matches a male... think of how a male matches a female.

Our male penis is like an overgrown clitoris. It's in the same position as the clitoris... the same spot. A females vagina is lower... much lower... down near the anus. Get an erection then feel under your scrotum... near your anus... in the same spot where a females vagina is located and you'll feel that the shaft of your penis actually enters your body in the same place. With an erection, that same place will be hard also.

Imagine you having an opening there... and something being inserted there... with no stimulation to your penis head... the same thing happens with females, and many don't even know any better. They get contact down there... at the vagina, and the clitoris is ignored. No wonder there so many unsatisfied women around.

Which is why again... masturbation is so important. You got to learn how to please yourself in order for others to please you.

Your tongue is your best tool to please a woman, not your penis.

Vibrators are great too. I have used them with many GF's. And not the insertable kind... they are always placed on or next to the clitoris with a little lube, usually Vaseline, sometimes KY jelly.

While she holds the vibrator... you kiss her, fondle her, tickle her... laugh with her... You can do this before you get yours... between... after you've orgasmed...

YES, you can train yourself to not fall asleep afterwards... LOL... well, for 15 - 30 minutes maybe... then sleep takes all of us men.

We do all of those things, lol. I help her use her vibrator and I give her oral sex, I give her anything she asks for because I love to make her feel good. When it comes to sex I only last a few minutes because I can't stay hard, so after I always make sure she's satisfied, but I want to give her good sex. We tried today, and she went ontop first and I had bad thoughts, thinking about her past. We stopped and I gave her oral sex until I could get my mind back into it. We tried again and I was still getting bad thoughts. I look down at her and I picture how some other guy was looking at her and doing the samething and it makes me soft. Once I get soft it's hard to get back into it, even though I'm still horny. Basically the problem is that I can't stop picturing her with other guys and I don't know how to stop but I really want to.

The ugly truth is that to stop picturing her with other guys, you have to stop. Just stop. Replace the mental picture with something that doesn't trigger the reaction of going soft. Don't go there anymore. Repeating the same screw-up doesn't stop it. Stop it.

Maybe you could tell her how you are feeling then she won't think that you aren't attracted to her. And maybe she will have something to say to you that makes you feel better.
The man I was dating before my husband was 9 inches, my husband is average size. But honestly, I had better sex with my husband than I did with the bigger guy! Also, whenever you are not having sex practice imagining her having sex with you instead of someone else. Then it will be easier to think about you and her in bed.

Talk to a shrink. OR

Find another GF. OR

Do what a LOT of us do... when we're bored... whatever... don't look at her face, look at your meshed genitals and imagine you're with someone else... or close your eyes and imagine you're doing something really naughty... like screwing a sheep or something, LOL. Hey, what ever works.

Try to focus on YOUR pleasure... till you orgasm. She's obviously getting hers, so don't be shy about getting yours too.

If none of this works...

See a shrink, as you're seriously fudged up dude.

I'll try imagining us together when were not having sex, I think that's a good idea. Thank you for your advice.