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Sprung09 · Nov 20, 2009, 09:22 PM

My son's father and I broke up in 2005, he was very physically abusive and I did not want my son to be apart of it, so I left him. After about a year or so, my son's father came after me for full custody of son. My son was about 1 1/2 at the time. My ex at this time had one DUI, a life's restraining order against him, two counts of misdemeanor destruction of property and multiple time of losing his license, driving without a license and detox stays. I have no criminal history what so ever. Needless to say my ex ended up getting full custody of my son and was sent 1000 miles away to live away from me with his father with me getting visitation one week per month. It was very hard for me to loose my first born that I raised all by myself and than just had him taken away. Went through counseling, depression, anger, the whole nine yards.

Well last year my son was 4 years old and I learned that while my son was in his custody permanently, my ex has had two more DUI's, two more counts of Domestic Violence, one bar fight incident where he was sent to jail, and had another son with a women he only knew for six months and then he gave up the baby and has a restraining order against him on the baby now as well. I took my ex back to court and the case was finalled in August of 2009 with the decision that my ex still has full custody of my son and I actually lost some visitation time with my son and have to pay a lot more child support. Now I promise that my criminal history is perfect, NOTHING on it what so ever so of course now I am really depressed and sad and angry and all I can think about is what if something ever happens to my son and no one in the court system ever listened to me who could have avoided it?

My main question is should I keep fighting for my son, because this is not right, legally, morally or under any circumstances. But as my son gets older I do not want him to grow up with the court system. It hurts me in every feeling and way possible. I almost feel that if I stop fighting than I will be a horrible mother, but then again it not only puts a hardship on my son to have to see this is whole life, but it puts a hardship on my family as well. It is just so emotionally draining... Should I just leave him alone and be there like the courts say, only during my visitation period?? Or should I fight for him because of the danger and how immorally wrong this is?? What is best for him??

rockie100 · Nov 20, 2009, 10:12 PM

Did you have a lawyer? And did you use the same one each time you went to court? On what grounds did they give him sole custody?

ohsohappy · Nov 20, 2009, 10:19 PM

Oh my god.. . The judge should be kicked in the head.

Fr_Chuck · Nov 20, 2009, 10:39 PM

Can I ask, you obviously did not have an attorney??

Dougan123 · Nov 21, 2009, 12:32 AM

Im sorry you've had to go through that. It must have been hard.

Sprung09 · Nov 21, 2009, 11:10 AM

Yes, I had three lawyers. One of them I actually fired because he just gave up and one of the lawyers was involved in both the first and second case and appeal. I also had two different CFI's and one child family phsychologist. Both CFI's were women and went totally against me. The phsychologist was very thorough and testified on my behalf but the judge through out his testimony because it I guess it went against what the other two CFI's said. The physchologist had negative and positive things to say about both of us, but he said my parenting skills and lifestyle all around was more stable for my son mainly because I have no issues with the law and have never harmed my children or put any of my children in harms way. It was all very confusing. I appealled the first case and lost because the courts found no grounds for an appeal or they found that my grounds for an appeal were not enough. The past two court cases I have spent easily over 75,000 dollars just trying to get good lawyers and the best CFI's and help with counseling and phsychologists. But everyone seems to tell me that they can't help, but they still take my money every time. I even had testimony from my son's father's ex wife which matched what the police reports said but since she was I guess a "hostile" witness a lot of her testimony did not count??

The only gounds the courts found to take my son was because I could not nurture a healthy relationship between my son and his father. And that was said because of all of the stories, police reports and bad things that he did to me, I told the courts. Nothing I ever said was false about him but it is true that I never said anything positive about him. But he repeatedly failed UA's during court and the judge through them out with no reason why, my ex made me and my husband take hair follicle tests and we passed, no problem with that but it made no difference. I still have evidence of everything until this day.

One really weird twist to this whole story is that when I went through my first custody case, my husband was going through his divorce and child custody at the very same time with his ex wife, we both had the same judge and both of our children lived in our household with us at the same time. The same judge, no more that 30 days apart, granted my husband with full custody of his daughter, but found our household not good enough for my son and gave him to his father??

What should I do now. I now something is wrong with the system, obviously, and it is corrupt, my ex and his family are very very wealthy. But should I stop and let my son go with his father or should I pursue fighting for something I know is not right? Am I bad mother if I just give up and let him be??

rockie100 · Nov 21, 2009, 12:39 PM

Believe It or not, I went through something like this... There was temporary orders though. I finally ran myself out of money but refused to give up. I eventually retained custody by using state legal services. This was free. And the best counsel team ever. Yes a team!

Sprung09 · Nov 21, 2009, 02:25 PM

Originally Posted by rockie100

Believe It or not, I went through something like this... There was temporary orders though. I finally ran myself out of money but refused to give up. I eventually retained custody by using state legal services. This was free. And the best counsel team ever. Yes a team!

Thank, I appreciate that! I have thought of using state services, but I thought it would make me look like I couldn't afford to take care of my son if I can't afford a lawyer so that is why I hired one. I will definitely keep this in mind and at least it gives me some hope to not give up. Thank you!

ohsohappy · Nov 21, 2009, 05:41 PM

Originally Posted by Sprung09

Thank, I appreciate that! I have thought of using state services, but I thought it would make me look like I couldn't afford to take care of my son if I can't afford a lawyer so that is why I hired one. I will definitely keep this in mind and at least it gives me some hope to not give up. Thank you!

I really hope that you get your son back. Whatever state you are in, is full of a bunch of Jacka$$es. I can't believe the court would even CONSIDER giving a child to a parent on drugs that's been in and out of jail for assault and such, rather than giving the child to a nurturing mother. What in hell are they thinking? I want to go and kick the crap out of these absurd people.

I'm pissed at them for you.
You have my blessings. Just keep praying, and we'll be rooting for you.
Good luck! All hope is not lost, so DON'T give up. Your baby needs you!

Sprung09 · Nov 21, 2009, 09:27 PM

Originally Posted by ohsohappy

I really hope that you get your son back. Whatever state you are in, is full of a bunch of Jacka$$es. I can't believe the court would even CONSIDER giving a child to a parent on drugs that's been in and out of jail for assault and such, rather than giving the child to a nurturing mother. What in hell are they thinking?! I want to go and kick the crap out of these absurd people.

I'm pissed at them for you.
You have my blessings. Just keep praying, and we'll be rooting for you.
Good luck! All hope is not lost, so DON'T give up. Your baby needs you!

Thank you, I appreciate everything and I will not stop. I guess it will just take more trying and more faith.

ohsohappy · Nov 21, 2009, 10:00 PM

Originally Posted by Sprung09

Thank you, I appreciate everything and I will not stop. I guess it will just take more trying and more faith.

Absolutely! Just know that all of us are here for support and encouragement. :)

zippit · Nov 22, 2009, 03:32 AM

Why couldn't there be a decision by jury?
I sat on a custody case once,my only time to sit on a jury,nightmare!

Sprung09 · Nov 22, 2009, 08:46 AM

Originally Posted by zippit

why couldnt there be a decision by jury?
I sat on a custody case once,my only time to sit on a jury,nightmare!!

I did not know you were allowed to have a jury for a child custody case. I think that would have been the best way to go though. I will have to look into that. Thank you, I appreciate the comment because I never thought of that.

bigblack · Nov 23, 2009, 11:47 AM

I feel so sorry for you (as a mom)... why did they give custody to your husband? Tell us why they would take them away from you. You say he was abusive towards you? How, emotionally, physically?

"I have no criminal history what so ever. Needless to say my ex ended up getting full custody of my son and was sent 1000 miles away to live away from me with his father with me getting visitation one week per month."

How is this 'needless to say'?? How did this happen? I'm all right with the BS... but won't believe it. How could that happen... there's more of a story to this, what's going on with you Sprung. I don't personally believe everything I read, so give us an update here... why would a judge take away custody of a perfectly good mom and give it to a dad who's broken several laws??

rockie100 · Nov 23, 2009, 03:03 PM

Sorry bigblack, I feel the need to say that, Sprung did say, the court found negatives on both sides. If you haven't been through a custody dispute, don't think you know what your talking about. There are many factors that could have led to this outcome... One being, bad counsel. Two, lies. Three, custody evaluaters that don't like your race, religion, and or, views on parenting. In many instances these so called professionals have no credentials whatsoever. I had one removed from my case due to this.
In any case, does your 'answer' seem helpful to you?

Sprung09 · Nov 23, 2009, 05:36 PM

Originally Posted by rockie100

Sorry bigblack, I feel the need to say that, Sprung did say, the court found negatives on both sides. If you havent been through a custody dispute, dont think you know what your talking about. There are many factors that could have led to this outcome...One being, bad counsel. Two, lies. Three, custody evaluaters that dont like your race, religion, and or, views on parenting. In many instances these so called professionals have no credentials whatsoever. I had one removed from my case due to this.
In any case, does your 'answer' seem helpful to you?

Bigblack, I promise I am not lying about anything. The negatives the CFI's found on my part were that I had my son when I was 17. That is it! I still finished high school with my graduating class with honors. I even had counselors and teachers testify that I had to take my son to school because I had no child care and his father refused to take him while I was at school. I actually went back to school three weeks after I had my son because I had him during the summer three weeks before school started. No one knows how hard it really is to go into a high school with a baby and sit through classes with your peers who are not nice nowadays and still be able to accomplish. When I say that I have proof of everything I am not lying. I have even gone the extent of spending extra money to get transcripts of all of the court hearings because I know that it is just to unbelievable to believe. Like I explained before, the courts say they gave custody to my son's father because I could not nurture a relationship between my son and his father.

I know the situation does not sound real, but again I promise it is. I am so angry, depressed, scared and astonished about everything that has happened that everyday I go over and over in my head what did I do wrong, when really deep inside myself I know I need to be asking what did the courts do wrong. This is the main reason I am sharing my story and need advice. I need to know what strangers think about the situation so maybe I can get a better grasp of what I need to do. Sometimes someone that does not know you is more willing to tell you the truth about the situation whether you want to hear it or not and I think no matter what the advice is I am ready to hear what anyone has to say about this. Thank you again Rockie, You really must have gone through something similar if you know that this is realistic and can happen to anyone. I appreciate all the help, advice and comments from anyone.

ohsohappy · Nov 23, 2009, 05:38 PM

Once again, we're here for you!

zippit · Nov 23, 2009, 05:45 PM

My opinion is the old catch phrase
"money talks" usually when there is a decision that is biased money is behind it,and this was a biased decision.
The best thing for you (again opinion)is to do your best with the visits etc to be a mom,it is good you documented and kept EVERYTHING because one day when he is old enough your son is going to see those papers and he is going to know what his mom went through
And hopefully he will appreciate it.

Sprung09 · Nov 23, 2009, 06:16 PM

Originally Posted by zippit

my opinion is the old catch phrase
"money talks" usually when there is a decision that is biased money is behind it,and this was a biased decision.
The best thing for you (again opinion)is to do your best with the visits ect to be a mom,it is good you documented and kept EVERYTHING because one day when he is old enough your son is going to see those papers and he is going to know what his mom went through
and hopefully he will appreciate it.

I really hope you are right. I do not want to show him everything when he gets older because I want him to have his own opinion of his father but if it comes down to it I will have everything for him. And I definitely believe money talks, I tried not to believe that for so long, but it is true. Thank you~

ScottGem · Nov 23, 2009, 06:18 PM

Originally Posted by zippit

why couldnt there be a decision by jury?
I sat on a custody case once,my only time to sit on a jury,nightmare!!

Where was this? And are you sure it was a custody case? I have never heard of a jury in Family Court. I suspect this was a civil trial that may have had a custody element.

Child issues are too important and too sensitive to leave up to a jury.