When people jump into these quick fix marriages there is bound to be tensions and conflict. You don't know each other and other than the first attractions, you have not explored deeply enough to understand, and work through, the below the surface issues that you both may personally have. You have not established through slow and steady contact, any inkling of who you're with, and the life that you had, or the type of life you want to build.

Now instead of the having fun getting to know each other, through honest communications you have jumped dead in to mistrust, and deceit.

Unless you get some guidance to discover the truth and motivations behind both your action, then sorry to say what looked so good on paper before will turn into a shame of conflict, and misunderstanding.

Its inevitable, since neither of you have the skills required, namely talking to each other honestly and openly, to resolve your differences between you, so they just keep growing. Hard to build something when you are not working together.

There is something about tracking a female secretly through GPS, and freaking out on any discrepancy, that makes my skin shiver. Honestly, that ain't love, or trying to understand.

That's more like a sting operation in my view. Your actions have led you both to being like the older couple who grow apart instead of closer, and yeah I know she may have some part in this no doubt, but instead of getting answers, and information from the source, you are trying to catch her in something to justify your actions.

None of this is healthy, or productive, and explains nothing.

That's why you better both sit and talk, HONESTLY, and hope she will agree to some sort of mediation through counseling or she just will be out of there.

Spying, and snooping is unacceptable, so is lying, but we don't know her side, only yours.

I think this marriage is over.. You don't know enough to trust each other and you are so unsure of yourself, you're making her life and your own life miserable.

You posted this in April and still haven't followed any of the advice... I think you want someone to tell you step by step what to do. We only give advice... You can take it or not. I don't see any way your situation is going to get any better... unless you admit you need help.

You are right I need help uncover why I get the feelings I get, although I do not know why someone would tell me that the cup is black when I know it is white, so to speak. The papers for immigration is a slow process and I have to compile a lot of information to present, taking time. My wife is frustrated as you say being here in a strange land seemingly alone but wanting to fit in and work but is not allowed by law at the moment. My counseling. I had to cancel my session a couple of times, once because my wife suggested I didn't need it as I could talk to her about what worries me and work it out... which is fine but I couldn't talk to her about everything that worries me for fear she would think the worse of me.. I am a good guy, and gentle caring guy but sometimes the ghost of relationships past come to rattle my chain a little I start looking for signs and over analyzing almost expecting to find the traits. Thanks guys for your patience and trouble. Much appreciated

I've been in your shoes, and like you said, the ghosts of past relationships come back to haunt you and you start looking for signs with your wife now, to prevent yourself from getting hurt again.

I know what its like, but one thing I try to remember when thoughts like these pop into my head is that my wife is my wife. She is not that girl I used to date or that girl who hurt me in a past relationship. No 2 people are exactly alike, so you can't judge her or decide she is going to hurt you if you notice behaviour you noticed in an ex. They are not the same person, so let it go.

All the best

Thank you BlackIvy for that understanding.
Also I also know it isn't right to use the GPS to spy as it were. Originally I used it as a comfort in the same way when in the back of your mind you would normally know your wife or husband was at any given moment in time of the day, 9am oh he/she is work.. 1pm oh he/she would be having lunch by now... 5pm oh he/she would be heading home by now.. there is a certain unconscious comfort in that.. currently my wife has too much time on her hands so as I say I used the GPS as a sort of comfort when I 'see' she is at home or at the mall. The problem comes when I have seen her being somewhere she would not normally be and when asked about her day doesn't mention or tells a story that conflicts with this.. in the same way that if you expect your husband/wife to be home at a certain time and there are late or calls to say 'Oh I had to work late' which is fine until you later find that there where elsewhere at that time...

Keep up with the counseling. Being able to talk to her isn't the same as being able to work through your issues with the guidance of a neutral party. I think you benefit from being able to open up to someone you know won't judge you and you don't have to see all the time. Maybe in time you can get her to go to counseling with you.

Could she enroll in classes (even some type of continuing education class) or get involved in volunteering? Could she volunteer at a local community center to give lessons in Chinese or Chinese culture?

The GPS thing was not a good idea from the start.. It is pretty much high tech spying.

In the old says, this would be the equivalent of having a guy follow your wife around and report back to you, or you following her around all day. In your mind it is for her safety or just so you know where she is and what she is doing, but it just doesn't seem right does it?

How would you feel if your wife didn't trust your word enough about what you were doing? That what you said to her and told her wasn't enough for her, and she needed proof and to know things for herself.

Good luck and no more GPS... I hope it all works out for you, I really do.

Take her up on it. The answer to fear, is courage, and facts. Either talk to her, or get rid of the GPS, and take your chances by the rest of us as if you are so afraid of the ghosts over your shoulder, you will always be looking back for them, and NOT forward. For sure you will find those ghost, or run into a brick wall, and bust your head, because you should have had your attention in front of you. Just me, I would still be on my honeymoon with my hot new wife.

Fear is a part of finding out who you are and who she is. It is also wise to not let that fear overwhelm you.

Love makes all of us do stupid things in our life and later we think"why in the world did I act that way"?

My goodness I use to be so jealous of my husband when we first got married. He was and still is a hunk.

I got over that jealousy when I finally realized of all the women he could have had he chose me.

We've been together many years and not one time has he ever given me reason to doubt his love.
So I worried for no reason other than I was insecure.

Hope I help you someway.

Whether your wife thinks you need counseling or not. I personally think you need to have your own counselor sessions for yourself to improve on yourself to help your marriage.

You need to work on things still, and I thought you were coming along but that old devil of fear crept up into your head again which will just cause a mountain full of problems.

Please start your counseling and stick with it and work out the reason why your always so insecure and paranoid about everything,

Joe

I agree with Joe... find out about yourself first. Good luck:)

Thanks Kitkat your story did help. And Joe I have re-scheduled my session for next Thursday.
I always feel great when I am with her and when things are smooth and uncomplicated. Then I get a days when things appear complicated and to what have no answers to [ie why she avoided saying outright she was in the park].
I work almost in isolation, and only one or two good friends one of which [ironically], is a long standing female friend of 12 years who is married and has a child, my wife knows about her has meet her and her family, who I have burdoned from time to time with my worries/concerns. So I guess I am not able to purge these worries and during the day end to fester.
Thank you for everyone's help it really does help. I would invite everyone around for dinner but it might be a little difficult to explain to my wife, haha Thanks guys.

Develop your coping skills my friend. That's what gets us through the hard times.

I have a feeling you all will be fine. Just stick to the counseling and learn to trust. I had a lot of insecurities when I was young. My Dad was my port in the storm and he always told me.. "What God has in store for your life will be what is best for you". He was right.

Threads merged


Hi guys, me again.
Have been pondering all that has gone before and reflected heavily on all the answers given. Amongst it all the element of trust was challenged. How do you define trust in a relationship. This who have reads my threads will perhaps have a grasp as to what I have been battling with in my head. I know that trust in a relationship is so important. My wife has mentioned a couple of times 'you should trust me more'. OK point taken but how do I handle a situation where... I know I am going to get blasted for this, but I just need to know where I stand in here eyes... I was curious again when my wife called at bad time whilst in a meeting with my boss to let me know she was just about to leave the house to pop over to the local college. It came as a surprise as she had told me earlier in the morning she may just go to the park as it would be peaceful [the park in next to the college]. I could say or ask much as I was stuck in a meeting. About 40mins later I am out of the meeting. Called her, no answer. I then checked her phone GPS and saw she was nowhere near the college. She was in the town somewhere. Then she headed home. She called me to say that maybe she would take to train to meet me after work in about 2.5 hours, great. 30 minutes later she was out again to roughly the same place for about 30mins headed home but instead of going home she turned down the street on the opposite side of the road to our apartments and into a side road leading to her old apartment where her male friend [ex husband's friend or relative] lives. I panicked and called her at that time and she said 'Oh hi darl I have just left home to go to your office'. This wasn't so as she was just heading home at that time. Then she went home, I called again and she said 'oh silly me, it started to rain and I had to go back for my umbrella.'
In the evening I was not in a great mood and blamed it on a confrontation with my boss earlier. I asked about her day 'Just went to the mall and home' I ask if she had met up with her friend, 'No, no he has exams, too busy'.
Although I couldn't say for sure if she had met up with him I knew she was not being honest for some reason, and not knowing for sure as to why makes me very uncomfortable.. I love my wife very much, but I don't understand her actions and I cannot come clean to say I know her story isn't so.. I ask for your help again... that's if you guys haven't had enough of this by now... Thanks

Trust is throwing away the GPS.

Trust is not stalking your wife. Trust is not needing to know every. Single. Thing. She does throughout the day. Plans change. Things happen.

You can either trust her, or this will destroy your marriage eventually.

Trust is not seeing everything she does as a ploy to get away and cheat on you. I really feel sorry for her.

clickaus... you are going to drive yourself crazy with worry if you don't get a handle on this. I know it is difficult not to let your imagination run wild, but she has not really given you a reason to not trust her.

It is hard when you have suspicions, I know, but if you feel she truly loves you and you haven't found any proof of misconduct or deceit in her actions, you have to work at building that trust in your own eyes.

I would guess you would feel this way about any woman you were with; that perhaps you feel you are not enough for her for some reason, that is a self-esteem issue on your part. Have you been left before by someone else? Or have had difficulties in other relationships? Perhaps that is where this stems from.

Talk to her about your concerns, acknowledge that you sometimes worry (you don't have to let on that it is very often) about her becoming interested in someone else... see what she has to say. Then try your best not to harp on it.

It will take time, but you will find that bit by bit you will become more comfortable and less concerned that she is going to go elsewhere.

If you simply can't get passed it, you might need to consider counseling. Worse case scenerio... even divorce just to set yourself free from the constant worry.