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    Eaeason16's Avatar
    Eaeason16 Posts: 12, Reputation: 2
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    #1

    Mar 23, 2018, 06:17 PM
    Working out of state
    Ok so our marriage has definitely had its ups and downs already this year and I think this is going to be my breaking point. I don't know if I am being overdramatic, or if it actually makes sense to be upset but am I, and this is what's going on.

    Our marriage has been in a particularly rough patch. I am a stay at home mother of three boys ages 7, 3 and 16 months. My husband works and has a good schedule, not too much not too little. I love my husband dearly, but truth be told I pretty much handle everything with the exception of working. When I say everything, I mean everything. Raising the kiddos (one of which has severe adhd), groceries, cleaning, taking care of the property (grass, weeds, etc), we also have a farm so yes I manage all that too with no help, its exhausting. Ive tried talking with him, and it always ends up the same he gets angry and nothing changes... I suck it up over and over, because it could be worse right?

    Let me add that I also have bad depression, and I am taking Zoloft to help. Well, last week my husbands friend ( military buddy) is feeling very depressed and possibly suicidal so he and his other friend are going out to visit him for a week to try and help him get the help that he needs. PTSD is a monster! So I was completely OK with him going, he will be gone for a week. Well tonight as he is packing he drops the bomb on me that he volunteered to work out of state because there is a company strike and they are short staffed. It could be anywhere from a few weeks to months and it is on the opposite side of the country!! I was livid!!

    I told him that I was not OK with it, and he gets upset with me because he already agreed to go. It's one thing to travel to help a friend in need, but to volunteer to go five states away for an unspecified amount of time and leave you wife and three kids?! No sir! I asked him, are you serious do you honestly think that I would be OK with that? Do you think that is fair to me or your kids?? I am in complete shock, and I feel completely used and this is just it for me. It just makes me wonder is the. Ptsd making him irrational or is he just that unhappy? =(((((
    Fr_Chuck's Avatar
    Fr_Chuck Posts: 81,272, Reputation: 7690
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    #2

    Mar 23, 2018, 06:26 PM
    He should not have made a choice to work out of town, without talking to you. There is a communication and trust issues.

    If you said no, and he will not discuss it, there is more to this,

    I would suggest marriage counseling and that you discuss with him coming back home to work.
    Eaeason16's Avatar
    Eaeason16 Posts: 12, Reputation: 2
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    #3

    Mar 23, 2018, 06:30 PM
    We talked about before, but I specifically told him that I would only be OK with it if it was a neighboring state and a week or less. =( I trust him, I just think its unfair to ask that of us... Three kids is tough enough add spouse being gone and its just too much
    talaniman's Avatar
    talaniman Posts: 53,879, Reputation: 10852
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    #4

    Mar 24, 2018, 03:52 AM
    It's okay to be upset, because you are overwhelmed with the way things are going. Actually you are supposed to be. I certainly would be myself. You have a lot on your plate and just need some support to get through it, and your husband hasn't stepped into that role for you. Sometimes when faced with many huge challenges it may help to break things down into smaller tasks we can handle. Few of us can do that alone without guidance and advice, and I think one thing that stands out with you is you need help, with chores, with family, with health. Set some priorities and figure how you can get the help in those important areas. Family friends? They are a good source of ideas and just support.

    Seems to me though for right now since you have a doctor, a farm hand, or babysitter would be right up your alley. Hubbie left you with this mess for his job, friends, okay fine, then figure out how to handle your JOB without him. Is that a feasible idea right now? See this as an opportunity, a problem to solve, and not just a reason to be upset, why? Much better to set your mind on short term solutions than huge obstacles. Challenging yes, requires changes YOU have to make.

    When we lose site of our GOALS then all we see are the obstacles, and your GOAL is a simple one as I see it, but with difficult choices. Maintain until he gets back! Yes things may be difficult between you two at the moment, and cause for great upset and trauma, but focus on what you can do to help YOU, and your kids. Please describe to me about this farm. Does it make money? How? I cannot imagine a farm that doesn't make money, and an outside job is required, so please clarify this confusing picture you have painted. At this time I don't see this as about your marriage at all, but how you manage YOUR situation you find yourself in.

    More information would certainly help, if you would care to share. You have expressed the issues, but are there no assets you can work with? Do you have any experience managing a farm? Whose farm is it and why does a guy with a job and career end up on a farm in the first place. Help me understand these things better.
    joypulv's Avatar
    joypulv Posts: 21,593, Reputation: 2941
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    #5

    Mar 24, 2018, 09:37 AM
    Tell him you have no choice but to hire a part time farm hand. Paid out of the family savings. I'd say that's a given anyway.
    Eaeason16's Avatar
    Eaeason16 Posts: 12, Reputation: 2
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    #6

    Mar 24, 2018, 12:08 PM
    I just wish he would put more effort into helping me more in all areas. I get that he works, I am not expecting him to break his back here after he gets off work, but to just try to help even a little bit, ( wash his own laundry while I am bathing the kids, instead of expecting me to stay up until midnight doing it for him), offer to mow the lawn or pick up a little, go places with me and the kids, or just spend time with them without having to be begged to. Just simple stuff would make me feel like at least he cares. As far as the farm goes,it is not a large scale farm just a hobby farm. Horses, chickens, goats. I have been on a farm my entire life, my husband could careless and that's fine but its be nice to hear ( hey honey would you like some help?) I just feel so disconnected, I honestly think he has no idea what all I do because I have always done it.. Sometimes I just want to be like nope nope nope.
    joypulv's Avatar
    joypulv Posts: 21,593, Reputation: 2941
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    #7

    Mar 24, 2018, 02:18 PM
    Yes, you wish. But he doesn't, and you take Zoloft. How's that working for you?
    It's your turn, your move. YOU have to decide what to do. There are actually many options, and if the one you choose is spelled out clearly, he can agree, negotiate, leave, or you leave.
    So make a list. It's really an ultimatum, but don't say so. Do say this casual 'oh by the way' I may be cross country for a month is the last straw. He either agrees to most of your list, or you sell the farm and move closer to town and other people to be friends with, and less work.

    (What's this about doing 'his laundry' at midnight? He can have extra clean clothes. Even if it's a uniform.)
    talaniman's Avatar
    talaniman Posts: 53,879, Reputation: 10852
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    #8

    Mar 24, 2018, 05:52 PM
    Is your husband still off his meds, still drinking? Whose farm is it?
    Alty's Avatar
    Alty Posts: 28,318, Reputation: 5972
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    #9

    Mar 24, 2018, 06:15 PM
    I would be livid that he chose to leave without discussing it with you. But, I do have to ask why this upsets you so much. It's not like you'll miss his help, because he doesn't help out at all, doesn't lift a finger. So other than him not physically being there, his absence really won't make a difference in how the day to day things are done, because you're doing all of it anyway.
    Eaeason16's Avatar
    Eaeason16 Posts: 12, Reputation: 2
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    #10

    Mar 24, 2018, 07:42 PM
    Yes, he is still off the meds the drinking has reduced a good bit. The farm is mine, he's more of the inside type very into technology he does not like country living. Lol

    Alty, that's a good point. I guess it just makes me feel like he's asking too much and that upset me. I give and give and I'm just tired of it.
    Eaeason16's Avatar
    Eaeason16 Posts: 12, Reputation: 2
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    #11

    Mar 24, 2018, 07:56 PM
    The zoloft helps me with the low points I guess is the best way to describe it, without it, I literally cry all the time and feel like there is nothing there just empty. I still do not feel like myself but it helps.

    I do not want to leave my husband at all, but he needs his medication. When he is off meds and when he is on are like two different people. I guess that's my ultimatum, take your meds.

    As far as laundry goes, it's a nightmare. He will wait until he is completely out and then get mad. I told him last time if you want clothes done, pile them up and put them in the hall before you get in bed and ill wash them. He didn't do it, so I left them. Then he gets all pissy and I'm having to throw them in the washing machine at like 11pm after I am done with my own chores.
    talaniman's Avatar
    talaniman Posts: 53,879, Reputation: 10852
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    #12

    Mar 24, 2018, 08:27 PM
    It seems things have not changed much since your last post, so what happened to the PLAN we discussed before? I'll just be straight, you married a guy with issues, big ones, and it's wearing you down, and I see no changes until HE decides to change himself. All the hoping, wishing and begging in the world won't change that, SORRY.The problem is you are really dependent on some one who is unreliable and distant, doesn't take his meds, and still drinks.

    You need a better support system, or a lot more independence. Do you have anything good to say about your husband that needs help you cannot give him? He darned sure ain't, can't, nor is willing to help you. Does your doctor know all these details of your situation? To be fair and honest though, I would sure have to see the books of your hobby farm though, to understand the situation better. As Alty aptly said, why would you expect his help when he NEVER has?

    Time for a change in PLANS(?).
    joypulv's Avatar
    joypulv Posts: 21,593, Reputation: 2941
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    #13

    Mar 25, 2018, 03:38 AM
    You give mixed messages. ''I feel completely used and this is just it for me.'' --- But it isn't 'it' for you. You just keep wanting what isn't going to happen 3rd hand. He would have to ask for help.
    ''It just makes me wonder is the. Ptsd making him irrational or is he just that unhappy?'' ---- We can't possibly know. He isn't even here.

    Do you see how frustrating this is for us, because you want us to explain him + tell you how to change him? We can't do either one of those.
    It takes a monumental leap of understanding to realize that when we are half of a couple, we can complain about the other half til the cows come home, but if our other half doesn't want to work on the problems together, it's ourselves we have to change. If you won't change, then all you can do is complain.

    The laundry story is a mini-example of your entire relationship. He expects you to take care of his clothes. You want some effort from him. He won't do it. The ball is now in your court. YOU have to make the next move, and complaining doesn't count. This is all under the big umbrella of taking his meds. You say you 'guess that's your ultimatum.' but you don't mean it, because an ultimatum has to have consequences, and you have none in mind. If this were really 'just it' for you, you'd be telling him that he either takes his meds AND works out some chore division, or you break up.

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