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    stumpedagain1's Avatar
    stumpedagain1 Posts: 4, Reputation: 1
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    #1

    Jun 2, 2009, 12:38 PM
    Wife's "friend"/ ex-bf
    OK...

    A little background to set up the question. My wife has a friend that she still talks to on a regular basis, this friend also was her ex boyfriend. She was in an open relationship with him and a girl for a little over a year. I made it clear from the beginning that would not work for me, there would be no open relationship between me and her.

    That being said we have been in a committed relationship for almost two yrs.

    Now the other day I decided to due a little due diligence and find out what kind of communication was going on between my wife and her friend.

    I looked up her chat history on skype with him and found out that they are a lot more friendly than I am comfortable with. Examples... She tells him that she loves him (not too uncomfortable with that, tolerable) but she says how she wishes that she could go on tour with him but cant. How she had a vivid sexual dream about him and in another post said she has more respect for Him than me.

    There were also jokes about me being jealous.

    She says he's a friend, I love her and I don't know what I should do having a really hard time with this. Any suggestions, questions, input... What should I do?
    Gregisteredtrademark's Avatar
    Gregisteredtrademark Posts: 226, Reputation: 35
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    #2

    Jun 2, 2009, 12:45 PM

    It's time for an honest discussion. I would shy away from an ultimatium because that may push her away. Focus on your relationship and how you feel about her and about how this makes you feel. Try and not get mad, but focus on staying calm so you create an open dialog without all the drama. Good luck.
    stumpedagain1's Avatar
    stumpedagain1 Posts: 4, Reputation: 1
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    #3

    Jun 2, 2009, 12:57 PM
    Quote Originally Posted by Gregisteredtrademark View Post
    It's time for an honest discussion. I would shy away from an ultimatium because that may push her away. Focus on your relationship and how you feel about her and about how this makes you feel. Try and not get mad, but focus on staying calm so you create an open dialog without all the drama. Good luck.
    OOps :) might be a little late for the mad thing. I guess I should have asked a little eairlier lol
    Its so hard not to be mad. I don't want to give her an ultimatum but don't want to feel like 2nd in this relationship, that s how I feel now... I told her. I am trying not to make it be final but feels like a decision time. How am I supposed to try to change her viewpoint.. im can't and won't. It feels so wrong to me and she will never understand that.

    THe other parts of the relationship are great.
    88sunflower's Avatar
    88sunflower Posts: 1,207, Reputation: 462
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    #4

    Jun 2, 2009, 12:59 PM
    Well she must feel something for this "friend" or she wouldn't be saying those things to him. But however your conversation flows with her be ready for it to be known you snooped. That may be right or wrong but you found out by snooping and that will put additional heat in the conversation. If she isn't willing to stop this type of talking or behaving then mabye its time to part ways.
    stumpedagain1's Avatar
    stumpedagain1 Posts: 4, Reputation: 1
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    #5

    Jun 2, 2009, 01:05 PM
    Quote Originally Posted by 88sunflower View Post
    Well she must feel something for this "friend" or she wouldnt be saying those things to him. But however your conversation flows with her be ready for it to be known you snooped. That may be right or wrong but you found out by snooping and that will put additional heat in the conversation. If she isnt willing to stop this type of talking or behaving then mabye its time to part ways.
    I am over the snooped thing. That is MINOR compared to the (core issues) big picture. I was never a fan at someone getting caught at something there not supposed to be doing and then try to divert attention by focusing on the process of how the info was acquired... OJ SIMPSON.>>:)

    Ya it might be about that time... sad days.
    Gregisteredtrademark's Avatar
    Gregisteredtrademark Posts: 226, Reputation: 35
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    #6

    Jun 2, 2009, 01:22 PM

    There really are only two options here based on the latest inforamtion. She will either understand where you are coming from and agree to break it off with the other guy because she loves you or you may need to take it to the next level. Marriage counciling can work wonders in a case like this, you need to try and work it out. I hope you don't feel that it is worth throwing everything away without trying to talk through it.
    stumpedagain1's Avatar
    stumpedagain1 Posts: 4, Reputation: 1
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    #7

    Jun 2, 2009, 01:46 PM
    Nope, going to try to talk it out. I am just scared that she will not want to change and I will not be able to bare it. If I don't budge and she doesn't budge its not going to work, I'm scared that is what is going to happen... I'll keep you posted.
    talaniman's Avatar
    talaniman Posts: 54,244, Reputation: 10853
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    #8

    Jun 2, 2009, 11:49 PM

    You must have felt something was wrong, and that's why you snooped. Lay the cards on the table, with ALL the evidence, and work it out. If you can't you didn't have a relationship in the first place.
    Gemini54's Avatar
    Gemini54 Posts: 2,871, Reputation: 1116
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    #9

    Jun 3, 2009, 12:38 AM
    She tells him that she loves him (not too uncomfortable with that, tolerable) but she says how she wishes that she could go on tour with him but can't. How she had a vivid sexual dream about him and in another post said she has more respect for Him than me.
    Hmmm. This is ringing alarm bells for me and clearly it is for you too, otherwise you wouldn't be posting on this site. Someone in a committed relationship does not behave like this, because essentially it's a betrayal of trust.

    I'm assuming you will have spoken with her by now, and if she is refusing to change then I would say that the relationship is not based on solid ground. The seeds of discontent are there already, on her part, and you may need to make a hard decision.

    I think the snooping thing is irrelevant - what's important is that fundamentally you don't trust her and she's certainly not behaving in a way that demonstrates any loyalty or repect for you.
    88sunflower's Avatar
    88sunflower Posts: 1,207, Reputation: 462
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    #10

    Jun 3, 2009, 05:53 AM
    Quote Originally Posted by stumpedagain1 View Post
    I am over the snooped thing. That is MINOR compared to the (core issues) big picture. I was never a fan at someone getting caught at something there not supposed to be doing and then try to divert attention by focusing on the process of how the info was acquired....OJ SIMPSON.>>:)

    Ya it might be about that time...sad days.
    I understand exactly what your saying, trust me I have been there. But it will happen and be ready for it and be strong.

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