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unlovedbyhim · Nov 9, 2010, 06:41 PM

I had a job, worked it for 5 yrs. He told me I could quit my job to care for my Mom and his. Said that we should be able to survive on what he makes. Then he decided to pay an extra house note each month, putting us in a rut. Now every time he gets paid, he is screaming mad at me. He will not speak to me, (sometimes does not sleep in the same bed), and drinks a lot. Comes to bed drunk, wanting to fight with me. I try really hard to ignore him, which only makes him more mad at me. Now I feel like I am too old for a job. I will not flip hamburgers for a living (not a living). I have to put in two jobs applications in and got a return by email, that there was no opening for me. My husband use to be my best friend, but it gone forever!

Stringer · Nov 9, 2010, 07:14 PM

May I ask, do you have any children?

Has anything happened to your husband other than what you stated? Possibly he is going through an emotional stress period.

I do not like to see that he is drinking and is that angry. Have you tried to sit down and talk calmly about exactly what is bothering him. It may not only be the money situation.

Stringer

answerme_tender · Nov 10, 2010, 09:43 AM

Maybe you need to get off your high horse and notice that your husband is under a great deal of financial stress. I don't agree with his drinking, and trying to pick fights with you.

For whatever reason the circumstances have changed with you being able to stay home. Wouldn't all of us woman like to be able to stay home, but bottom line is we CAN'T. Maybe if you go out and at least get a part-time job might ease some of the burden from your husband and help your relationship with him.
When you need a job to help support your family, I don't care if you do have to go and flip a hamburger or clean a toilet. Its not what you do for a living, its how you present yourself that matters!!

Devorameira · Nov 10, 2010, 11:48 AM

Are you still caring for your Mom and his?

He sounds pretty stressed out, but that's no excuse for drinking and taking it out on you.

Keep trying, a job will come along. It may not be exactly what you want, but it'll be a start.

unlovedbyhim · Nov 10, 2010, 06:59 PM

I have 2 married children.I took my Mom to the orthopedic doctor this morning for her pain. Then spent all evening in the emergency room with his Mom. She fell this morning and broke a rib.

unlovedbyhim · Nov 10, 2010, 07:05 PM

I am not a spring chickie and i will not! Clean toilets or flip burgers!!

unlovedbyhim · Nov 10, 2010, 07:06 PM

YES. She fell today and had to bring her to the emergency room. Stayed there all evening. She broke her ribs.

Just Dahlia · Nov 10, 2010, 07:20 PM

Originally Posted by answerme_tender

Maybe you need to get off your high horse and notice that your husband is under a great deal of financial stress. I dont agree with his drinking, and trying to pick fights with you.

For whatever reason the circumstances have changed with you being able to stay home. Wouldnt all of us woman like to be able to stay home, but bottom line is we CAN'T. Maybe if you go out and atleast get a part-time job might ease some of the burden from your husband and help your relationship with him.
When you need a job to help support your family, I dont care if you do have to go and flip a hamburger or clean a toilet. Its not what you do for a living, its how you present yourself that matters!!!

I don't think that was very helpful at all. Do you have other issues?:confused:

Just Dahlia · Nov 10, 2010, 07:24 PM

Try talking to him before he starts drinking and see what is going on. It sounds to me like you have your hands full with the Mothers and that (in my opinion) is extremely stressful.

Maybe there are some money issues he is not telling you about and is deciding to blame it all on you rather than himself. It happens a lot. Do you know what all the finances are?

answerme_tender · Nov 11, 2010, 07:18 AM

I would do whatever I needed from flipping burger to clearning toilets, to wiping some hospital patients backside to help make ends meat for my family. If your not willing to do whatever you need to. I have worked 2 jobs, plus cleaned houses on weekends to help when my husband and I were financial difficulty, I did what I had to do, that's what being all grown up is about, not sitting around waiting for some perfect job to come along. You take what you can get and still pursue that perfect job on the side!! I also know how difficult it is to take care of sick parent, having to take to doctors,cook.clean, even bath them. I do NOT think it is right that your husband mis-treats you, I do think that he maybe under too much pressure, and he maybe taking it out on you.

answerme_tender · Nov 11, 2010, 07:21 AM

Just Dahlia--

Please explain what you mean by having other issues. I was just giving my opinion, I did not know that just because my opinion my not be the same as others meant that I had issues.

J_9 · Nov 11, 2010, 07:25 AM

Originally Posted by answerme_tender

Maybe you need to get off your high horse and notice that your husband is under a great deal of financial stress.

I don't agree with this either. If you had read the OP, the husband took it upon himself to pay an EXTRA house payment per month as well as agreeing that the OP quit working to take care of her mother and HIS mother.

Had he not taken it upon himself to pay the EXTRA house payment, I bet the OP and her husband would be in a better financial situation.

answerme_tender · Nov 11, 2010, 07:34 AM

I agree that he shouldn't of put them into this burden. I also will re-state he should in NO way be taking it out verbally or physically on his wife because of his mistake.
I know its difficult to take care of sick parents, I did that raised 2 children, 1 who is special needs, worked 2 jobs, and still cleaned houses on weekends to help make up for a BAD choice that MY husband made years ago. So yes I do understand that it might be embarrassing to have to flip burgers , or go and clean someone else's toilet, and even wipe another persons who isn't family backside, but you do what has to be done so not to lose everything. You can still be looking for a better job in the mean time. But, because I feel that if she really wants to assist the family with this financial problem, that she may have to do those apparently low jobs until she can find a job that she likes doesn't mean I have issues. If she really thinks about it, she is already doing those jobs inside the house. I respect any who has to take care of family members while still being homemaker, but I don't agree with acting like its way below them to have to flip a burger or clean a toilet.

unlovedbyhim · Nov 11, 2010, 12:52 PM

Well I'm glad you have 2 jobs. Cleaning someone else's butt is NOT me.

unlovedbyhim · Nov 11, 2010, 12:56 PM

I am not that young;cannot lift heavy boxes; cannot drive at night (can't see); I don't mind working part time at all. Trying for the holidays.

unlovedbyhim · Nov 11, 2010, 12:58 PM

Yes, if it wasn't for the extra house payment, this would be good. Why did he decide to do that after I left my job does not make sense. He stress is his mess.

Cat1864 · Nov 11, 2010, 01:14 PM

How long has this been going on? Is he still making the extra house note a month? If so, why? Are you positive it is going toward the mortgage or could he be doing something else with the money? Have his earnings changed since you made the bargain?

Are the mothers needing constant care or do they primarily do well on their own? Do either of them live with you?

Is it really finances he is worried about or is he using them as a cover for his real concerns? Is he worried about losing his mother or something else? Is he willing to go to counseling with you? IF you were employed or bringing money into the home would it really change his current behavior?

Instead of looking for an outside job, do you have any skills that would allow you to work from home? Hobbies and crafts can be turned into profitable businesses.

I hope your mother-in-law has a speedy recovery and your mother finds some relief from her pain.

answerme_tender · Nov 11, 2010, 01:25 PM

I wish you the best, hope everything works out

unlovedbyhim · Nov 14, 2010, 05:55 PM

I am sure the extra house note goes to the house. It comes out of our checking. My mother in law has fallen twice since she went to the ER last week. My husband jobs requires him to travel. As far as counseling, I tried that, he would not go.