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rachel_drm · Feb 26, 2010, 04:46 PM

My husband and I have been together, off and on, for 8 years. We've been married for almost 4 years. We have a little girl that is almost 4. I was pregnant with our daughter when we got married. Before we got married we were so happy! We were always so affectionate and loving toward each other. There was never a doubt that we were so "in love".

About a year and a half into our marriage things started falling apart. A few days before our 2 year wedding anniversary my husband left and said that he wanted a divorce. I later found out that he was having an affair. He and his mistress moved in together and for a little over a year he would go back and forth between the two of us. I started seeing someone about a year after he left, we only dated for about two/three months. Then my husband finally came back for good. We've been doing pretty good for almost a year now. Except that he's not emotionally "there" anymore. He used to be so sweet, loving, affectionate, caring, and happy. Now he's more like a zombie. He does have a different job now and works long hours, but I just feel like the man I married is gone. He hardly laughs, there's absolutely no affection. He says that he just doesn't "feel" anymore for anything or anyone. It really brakes my heart. I want my husband back!

Blue Angel · Feb 26, 2010, 05:08 PM

I'm not a professional so please don't be offended by my opinion if you don't agree. It sounds like your husband has some deep rooted personal issues that he needs to sort out. He should probably go to counciling to help with this. Giving your past history together it would probably also benefit you both to go through couples counciling. Communication is huge when it comes to the success of a marriage and you both are lacking things from the other that are not being communicated properly. Again, please don't take offense if you don't agree, I seen plenty of relationships fail because of similar issues. I hope you two are able to work things out.

Jake2008 · Feb 27, 2010, 10:27 AM

I agree, he is carrying a lot of baggage, and counselling would likely help him live his life without hanging onto the emotional damage of his past.

It was early in your marriage that he was over a year between you and his girlfriend. A year is a long time to cope with two commitments.

That he eventually decided to come home to you, does not mean that there aren't a lot of issues, much like the end of any relationship, with his now, ex.

Whatever the reasons were that caused the breakup and the constant confusion as to where he wanted to be, do not suddenly disappear because he finally made a decision.

Without working through this for himself, he may be hanging onto the memories, and strong feelings he had for the other woman. Who knows why he decided you, and with due respect, it may not have been love, but obligation because of the baby, and 'doing the right thing'.

I think the most important part of healing the marriage, and moving forward without hanging onto the past, is to see a counsellor.

You aren't the first one to experience this situation, and you won't be the last. But to think that things will just be as they were, without some professional help, isn't realistic.

I wish you well.

Devorameira · Feb 27, 2010, 11:01 AM

You've gotten some great advice which adds up to the only answer being counseling. Your husband may be clinicallly depressed. He may not have been ready to give up his girlfriend, but at the same time didn't want to see you move on without him. Also, you might encourage him to get a thorough medical exam to ensure that there's nothing physically wrong with him.

You're traveling on a rocky road right now, but with counseling I'm sure things will get better.

Gemini54 · Feb 27, 2010, 11:53 PM

I don't think you can ever go back in situations like this. You relationship has been through so much, and the chances of it returning to the lightness and happiness you had before are slim.

This is not to say that you won't be happy together again - but there has been much water under the bridge, and you've both said and done things that you hadn't before marriage.

It sounds as if your husband is functioning on auto pilot and as if neither of you have addressed the issues that led to the infidelity. Somehow he's shut down his feelings so that he doesn't have to engage with anyone on an emotional level any more.

As the other posters have so wisely said, this situation requires professional help - I suspect he will only get worse if he doesn't go to counselling and I suspect you'll have to go as well.

Hopefully, your daughter will be the glue that holds you together. I wish you all the best.