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    BRFCAREOK's Avatar
    BRFCAREOK Posts: 16, Reputation: 6
    New Member

    Sep 17, 2007, 07:53 AM
    When will I get over my wife's affair?
    In Brief: I have been married 7 yrs. My wife and I are late 30's. I thought things were good in the relationship with my wife. My wife had enough of my controlling and "take over" way that I handled the relationship. So, she started going out with some single friends in Feb 2007. First weeknights.. then Fri or Sat nights. We were still having sex... and overall things were "good" (I thought).

    March 24 she meets "hunk" in singles bar. He literally asks if he can have sex with her (after knowing her 1 hour). She says yes. She leaves later with him and then has sex (I am on a camping trip with our 5 year old adopted son at the time). She thinks that is the end... and feels bad (she later tells me). Next wekend though she and friends go to same bar... and he is there. She does not want to talk to him... but does and... guess what... sex again at his place. She even comes home to me at 2am (we then we even have sex!! ).

    2 weeks later... I find text message with her trying to now initialte a meeting. The truth is now out. (I "felt" something wrong so I snooped)

    After lots of talking, tears, therapy... we are on the right road. BUT - I cannot forget and cannot seem to get over the trust issue. She HAS been TRUTHFUL and she LOVES ME. THis is the only time she has done this. I don't think she will do it again. She admits the mistake and is remorseful.

    But - when will I get over this? Can I? Should I? Is it really posisible to build a better relationship? I DO feel we have a better communication platform now and a more "equal" relationship (in most ways). BUT BUT BUT - the betrayal eats away at me. Many people say that time will heal... but HOW? I want her to feel the pain I do... but how can I let it all go and focus on our relationship... should I?

    How do I stay committed to this person for the rest of my life feeling the way I do and knowing what she "did to me".

    Thank you in advance for your advice...
    LearningAsIGo's Avatar
    LearningAsIGo Posts: 2,653, Reputation: 350

    Sep 17, 2007, 08:05 AM
    I'm sorry she betrayed you this way.

    If you are committed, and she is as well, only time will tell. Its good of you both to have had therapy--that is the best source of help. However, you may also want to experiment with your own ways of healing to sort things out. Would writing in a journal help? More family time together? Prayer?

    People say "time will heal" and its true... but that also means no one has the golden answer for you. Only you and your wife will ever know if it's a marriage worth keeping or not. Only you will be able to find the right path to help yourself get over it. Time heals because eventually we all find answers or at least find forgiveness and peace.

    Good luck to you. I admire anyone who will take the steps you have to save your marriage.
    Ash123's Avatar
    Ash123 Posts: 1,793, Reputation: 305
    Ultra Member

    Sep 17, 2007, 09:51 AM

    It happens all the time. If she's worth it, forgiveness is a gift for both of you.

    I think you can get over it if both of your are committed and in love... and get to the root of the issue! It could be the best thing that ever happened to you! Really... sometimes it takes an earthquake to reveal a buildings weak points... rebuild together!

    (if you do not see her trying as hard as you - consider time off.)
    Treeny's Avatar
    Treeny Posts: 229, Reputation: 20
    Full Member

    Sep 17, 2007, 11:14 AM
    You have admitted to being controlling, she has admitted her guilt of an affair.
    She may have wanted to get caught, screaming for some type of attention or wake up call.
    What she did was wrong but people in desperate states make bad choices.
    It probably had nothing to do with sex at all.
    If you are both owning up to your mistakes and communicating there is a chance.
    Forgiving is the easy part, forgetting will take time . A long time.
    BRFCAREOK's Avatar
    BRFCAREOK Posts: 16, Reputation: 6
    New Member

    Sep 17, 2007, 01:06 PM
    Thank you all. We have both realized that marriage is THE hardest tihng we have ever undertaken. I guess that for the first 7 years of marriage I assumed it was just all "hunky dory" and didn't truly "work" at it. That led to the slide. It was easier to always want (and get) "my way" as "my way" made me happy and content... but at the expense of my wife's happiness.

    So, after LOTS of good therapy (Choice Theory and Adlerianism) I have realized that the only person I can "control" is myself and that my wife is her own human being with her own needs. I just wish it had not taken me 7 years to figure out.

    Now, "our new relationship" is developing in a very positive way... and she DEFINITELY feels better about her new "freedoms and choices". It is ironic that the more freedom I give, and the more she feels like a "free individual" - that the less likely she will be to cheat again. Or so the theory goes!

    I guess when people are happy, content and feel free, they have no reason to have their un-met needs met somewhere (and with someone) else.
    Ash123's Avatar
    Ash123 Posts: 1,793, Reputation: 305
    Ultra Member

    Sep 17, 2007, 01:13 PM
    Good. It takes guts to do something great.

    I hope it works out.
    star3114's Avatar
    star3114 Posts: 234, Reputation: 44
    Full Member

    Sep 18, 2007, 05:40 PM
    Good luck to you. Kudos for working on your marriage. Marriage isn't easy... it is lots of grueling work and your situation made it harder. Congrats for stepping up to the plate and making a difference. You are a GREAT person!! Give yourself a pat on the back.
    Fr_Chuck's Avatar
    Fr_Chuck Posts: 81,301, Reputation: 7692

    Sep 18, 2007, 06:59 PM
    You can work though it, but you will never get "over" it, and it will still hurt 20 years from now when something reminds you of it.

    So there is no quick fix, many years of marriage counseling, a lot of talking, and a lot of mistrust for years to come
    nkychic's Avatar
    nkychic Posts: 180, Reputation: 70
    Junior Member

    Sep 18, 2007, 09:05 PM
    Good for you! It's so wonderful to see two people, who have been through so much, find a way to work towards that same goal. You both are amazing to me. Keep working at this. This could possibly have been the best thing for you both. A wake up call to the each of you saying "we need help". Well now you've gotten it, you've used that help to get you to where you are today. I wish you both the best of luck! God bless!
    BRFCAREOK's Avatar
    BRFCAREOK Posts: 16, Reputation: 6
    New Member

    Mar 5, 2008, 07:17 AM

    I wanted to provide an update for all those that read these boards, or that find them seeking help.

    It has been a year since her affair. So want to address TWO items in this message:

    OUR RELATIONSHIP: it has never been better. There is a new maturity about how we interact and work together. When we have "clashes" we repair the damage faster and easier than before (all marriages have disagreements - it is the speed and depth of repair that help). We are no longer in regular couples couselling - but go individually about once a month to stay on track (most issues for all couples stem from "us" as individuals). The tools we learnt help everyday. My wife has more freedom now without me hanging things over her (regular girls nights out and several mini-vacations alone to long time friends and relatives). She even went on a weeks trip to another country with a good friend. She is a different person - in a positive way. She is more loving, caring and supportuive than ever. In fact, it is better than the first year we met (which I though was wonderful all those years ago). The bottom line is - the relationship is better than ever because she feels EQUAL and FREE.

    ME: I still struggle with the betrayal. I think of it every day... and sometimes I still obsess about it. I am better at suppressing the feelings but they are still there. Occasionally I have a pity party ("why me" etc) and I feel depressed. I guess I can seek solice in the fact that these feelings are less each month and they last for a shorter time. At the one year mark I have definitely decided the marriage is going to work especially if I can get past the upsetting feelings over the coming years (until, I hope, I simply view it as a learning experience from the past). I guess it helps that my wife was sincere in the repair process and has been very vocal in expressing her true needs as a person so that we had a chance.

    For those reading this... it HAS NOT BEEN EASY. The last year has been like the weather... some calm days and then hurricanes all within days of each other (often with no warning). I almost gave up several times. So did she. But, we read a LOT of books and found a truly remarkable therapist who saw through our excuses and our tainted views of each other and the world. We were also willing to take an open and honest look at OURSELVES. At first we were poniting blame outwards (both of us). But, when we looked at ourselves the real repair process began... and still continues.

    So, hang in there. Step ONE is to decide if some (ANY) love existis between you. If there really is, step TWO will be like starting to work out and diet all at the same time. It will be painful, you will want to give up (often), and some days you will not seem to be getting anywhere. But sometime in the future IF YOU STICK IT OUT you (or someone you know) will notice the change and say something out of the blue. And THAT, my friends, is when you will decide to keep pushing forward.

    God bless you all... and your marriages. I thank you for your time in my hours (days and months) of need, desperation, and despair. You were all part of the healing process... and it continues!!
    BRFCAREOK's Avatar
    BRFCAREOK Posts: 16, Reputation: 6
    New Member

    Mar 5, 2008, 07:53 PM
    Ash123's Avatar
    Ash123 Posts: 1,793, Reputation: 305
    Ultra Member

    Mar 6, 2008, 07:38 PM
    I hate to be cynical but I am not sure this is going to ever be easy... I mean she cheated TWICE and lied more than that.

    Anyway, if you can make it until you are 60, your testosterone and her estrogen will have calmed down enough to let you just... be - as one. For now, hang in there man and never feel guilty for feeling down.
    jeffatl's Avatar
    jeffatl Posts: 489, Reputation: 83
    Full Member

    Mar 6, 2008, 07:52 PM
    Honestly, she cheated twice... and I don't think there is much keeping her from doing it again. Also, she knew this guy for one hour and has sex with him! She then later has sex with him again, only to come home and have sex with you! If you are not using protection with this woman, I would get myself tested sir.

    There is soooo much wrong with this I don't really know how to collect myself. Why is she hanging out at singles bars in the first place? This woman is a manipulator, insecure, and who knows what else.

    I am just now seeing how old of a post this is, but wow... I hope you either A: got yourself out of this situation with your son OK, or B: installed a tracking device in your wife because I don't see how you could ever trust her again.
    proudmommy1's Avatar
    proudmommy1 Posts: 6, Reputation: 2
    New Member

    Mar 8, 2008, 12:11 AM
    Never. That's the truth. You will always be thinking about it when she goes out. You can forgive her and try again but if she's done this more than once, how many times are you going to go through this. Can you honestly tell yourself that you are happy? Ask yourself this. Do I want to be hurt? Can I trust her? If you continue to allow this person to treat you like this she will. Boundaries need to be made. You need to make your yes mean yes and no mean no. Stick with your boundaries.
    talaniman's Avatar
    talaniman Posts: 54,327, Reputation: 10855

    Mar 9, 2008, 08:26 AM
    You will never get completely over it, but you do have control of what you do about it, such as thinking before speaking and not being overwhelmed by your own feelings. That requires a lot of work on your part and not making her the object of anger and resentments. She made a mistake, but don't compound it with bad behavior.
    miketyson1's Avatar
    miketyson1 Posts: 1, Reputation: 1
    New Member

    Sep 22, 2011, 06:09 AM
    You are foolish and she will do it again

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