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    jttrapkill's Avatar
    jttrapkill Posts: 2, Reputation: 1
    New Member

    Jan 10, 2010, 05:22 PM
    What do I do about my wife showing attention to a specific person?
    This is a tough situation, the wife and I have been married for over ten years and have dealt with jealousy on my part from an affair on her part. But 7 or so years later, she has a new job, wants to be her own person, and want to have privacy from me. I don't understand it. I have noticed and she has admitted that she likes attention from other men. But it has been an issue with one person in particular, we will call him tom. Tom and his girlfriend are friends of ours, that we hang out with occasionally, but I have noticed that she always is standing by him and always focused on him and what he is saying, while we are all hanging out together. They constantly rub up against each other, in front of me, always making some sort of contact while all of us are together. Even tried to kiss him in front of me and his girlfriend, granted she was intoxicated, but that's when real feelings come out, I believe! Maybe I am wrong in all this and I am sure that I am leaving a lot out, but my jealousy is ruining the relationship and I don't know what to do. I try to talk to her about it, but she says the same thing every time, "Oh, my God" She denies anything, but will not admit anything, just avoids it and then says there nothing going on, later in the conversation. It is tough to be at a get together and see her stand next to him and not near me, she treats me like I don't exsist! I need to know what to do, can anyone help with this? Is the in my head, am I to blame for the distance between us because I am a jealous person? Any advice would help and thank you!
    jaime90's Avatar
    jaime90 Posts: 1,157, Reputation: 163
    Ultra Member

    Jan 10, 2010, 07:50 PM

    You are not an overly jealous person. Couples need to protect each other from the temptation to cheat. Now, most women like attention from other guys, and it isn't wrong for her to have guy friends if she is using discretion, and if you are observing her guy friends and letting her know if you see a concern. Things can happen, even in group situations.

    Her having an affair in the past, touching men in front of you, and wanting 'privacy from you' are all HUGE warning signs, and they are generally seen as completely unacceptable in a relationship. There comes a time when you need to decide to address something, or let it slide. You need to sit down and address this with her. Step up, and let her know that you can't let these things slide. Love is trust and commitment. Do you trust her after all she's done? Has she been committed to you?
    UnluckyDucky's Avatar
    UnluckyDucky Posts: 210, Reputation: 110
    Full Member

    Jan 10, 2010, 09:15 PM
    The behavior your wife is exhibiting right in front of you would be a complete dealbreaker for me. To me, her actions reek of a complete lack of respect for you. I can understand if there's a little social flirting involved between friends but what you're saying she's done is way too much!

    In this case, I do not think you're being overly jealous. She could be saying one thing but you have to listen to her actions. I believe you have every right to be concerned about this situation. It looks like you've also attempted to have serious conversations about this with her and she continually denies that there is anything going on. If I had to guess, she's probably telling the truth here however that does not excuse her actions.

    At this point you need to make a decision - do you want to continue this relationship or not?
    Jake2008's Avatar
    Jake2008 Posts: 6,721, Reputation: 3460
    Emotional Health Expert

    Jan 10, 2010, 11:42 PM

    I don't think it has anything to do with you being jealous, or thinking that you are doing something wrong.

    It has more to do with how little respect she shows you, and how shallow her regard is for your thoughts and feelings on her flirting outright. She knows this makes you uncomfortable.

    You feel how you feel! It is not right or wrong, that's just the way it is, and she needs to really attempt to communicate with you here so you are both on the same page.

    I can tell you that if my husband was doing what your wife was doing, there would be no second time. The excuse that 'nothing is going on' is absolutely meaningless. It is innapropriate behaviour.

    You should come first. Your comfort, and her attention to you, should always come ahead of anybody else. In a social situation where she abandons you also shows little respect for you.

    If she won't talk, write her a letter, send her an email, tell her why she has to try to curb her behaviour when she is with you.

    I would be very uncomfortable with this too.
    LJDK's Avatar
    LJDK Posts: 281, Reputation: 25
    Full Member

    Jan 10, 2010, 11:53 PM

    The ugly truth is you are not at fault here dude. Your wife is and I would seriously set some ground rules down and if she cannot keep to it then give her the boot.

    Rather spend a year alone and sad after the breakup and get it over with instead of your whole life with someone who already and will most likely cheat on you again. Her behaviour is a serious deal breaker.

    I refuse to believe that someone will only cheat once. Once they did it, it just becomes easier to do it again.
    amicon's Avatar
    amicon Posts: 6,066, Reputation: 1911
    Uber Member

    Jan 11, 2010, 12:01 AM
    This is not appropriate behaviour and if she can't have a proper conversation about how it makes you feel,she's not putting much effort into your marriage.
    Without communication you don't have a relationship.
    jttrapkill's Avatar
    jttrapkill Posts: 2, Reputation: 1
    New Member

    Jan 11, 2010, 05:03 AM
    Thank you all for your input on the post, Like I said there is more that I haven't said. But this is the just of it! Here is a snippit from her conversation last night with "Tom" talking about what happened at my party this weekend

    Him-I hope you didn't mind my grabbing your during the party
    Her- have I ever minded..
    Him- Well no, but I have been meaning to ask to make sure
    Her- do you feel bad or something?
    Him- No, just don't want to over step my bounds
    Her- seriously? For me there are no "bounds" and I think you know this
    Him-Well in a way, I guess I just really needed to be sure
    Her-did I make you feel like you did something wrong at all... I don't imagine I would
    Him-No, like I said I guess I just needed to hear/see you say it
    Her- OK
    Her-I'm sure I over step the boundary all the time with you... I guess I should ask you the same
    Him-I never said I didn't like it
    Her-no, but I've never asked either
    Him-Well now that we have that out of the way we know where we stand and all is good right?
    Her-I would say we are then
    Him-Well good

    Being paranoid that they are wanting to be close, I watched them out of the corner of my eye and never gave them a chance to be alone for very long and this is the stuff that happens for the couple of minutes that I wasn't looking! I can't believe what I am hearing, I'd say I have my answer on where it is headed, even if it isn't there yet, they are obviously moving that way! It's almost like they have a couple relationship already unless I am reading it wrong!
    amicon's Avatar
    amicon Posts: 6,066, Reputation: 1911
    Uber Member

    Jan 11, 2010, 05:18 AM
    Well,you need to do something about this and soon. How does this guy's girlfriend react to all this?
    LJDK's Avatar
    LJDK Posts: 281, Reputation: 25
    Full Member

    Jan 11, 2010, 05:19 AM

    If that's the way the conversation went it sure does sound to me like open invitation for more than just chit chat.
    Romefalls19's Avatar
    Romefalls19 Posts: 4,739, Reputation: 1130
    Ultra Member

    Jan 11, 2010, 06:18 AM

    I think you need confront this guy as well. Tell your wife, you are done with how she acts and behaves with him. Tell your friend he needs to back off.
    Rich11111's Avatar
    Rich11111 Posts: 99, Reputation: 25
    Junior Member

    Jan 11, 2010, 03:39 PM

    I haven't been in a relationship as long as yours myself so I don't understand the levels of commitment you have.
    But if this was my Girlfriend I would make my opinions clear once and if she ignored them I would leave her.

    If she is willing to talk and do that with another man, and show you that much disrespect In front of you, then I dread to think what she is capable of when you are not there,I wouldn't be surprised if there was something more between them, especially since she has cheated on you in the past.

    If I were you now I would tell both of them what they are doing is wrong and tell him to back off and stick to his own girlfriend,and if possible stop hanging around with them, and tell her that she should be doing that with you, not someone else. If she continues to ignores you and continues to show you no respect then that is not a marriage. And I personally would call it quits and move on with your life.
    Catsmine's Avatar
    Catsmine Posts: 3,826, Reputation: 739
    Pest Control Expert

    Jan 11, 2010, 04:47 PM

    I really hope you two don't have any children. Jealousy and disrespect are horrible examples of relationships.

    It sounds like you never forgave her for the first infidelity. If, and that may be a huge if, she has tried to regain your trust and cannot, she may feel justified. Regardless, your accounts of her conduct indicate a lack of respect for you on her part.

    I hate saying this, but I don't think you have a marriage anymore. Working out cohabitation or splitting up is up to the two of you.

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